tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37657254001294475992024-03-13T20:24:56.987-07:00Rant of the ExilesFred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.comBlogger286125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-50381169449729406352023-01-17T12:24:00.005-08:002023-01-17T12:26:10.491-08:00When Awkwardness isn't the Other Person's Fault<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5VY0VYcFF2cz_tBCPbQh5fdSPxs04JqhXVFVVVGeGTJ731wXh5xMARNKJHAeROM8DVu6bfh_aapJOmy8ssvlb4tJlAE0qt_NQNTtY-ezokoAkU-8VQ8I_u895E6THd4W-QsWU2GwVkao5TRpDfJOUttXfLAHJLFNxmEj_7raZ4ugK88Gj9CeyLYH0Fw/s6000/j-w-Ju-ITc1Cc0w-unsplash.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5VY0VYcFF2cz_tBCPbQh5fdSPxs04JqhXVFVVVGeGTJ731wXh5xMARNKJHAeROM8DVu6bfh_aapJOmy8ssvlb4tJlAE0qt_NQNTtY-ezokoAkU-8VQ8I_u895E6THd4W-QsWU2GwVkao5TRpDfJOUttXfLAHJLFNxmEj_7raZ4ugK88Gj9CeyLYH0Fw/s320/j-w-Ju-ITc1Cc0w-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">"The first thought I have about him is that he's awkward."</span><div><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was talking to a single, female friend who made the above statement when I mentioned a single guy in our social circle. It led to an extended discussion about what exactly makes a guy awkward.</span></div><div><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">Awkwardness seems to be the kiss of death when it comes to male attractiveness. Worse than the dreaded "he seems like a nice guy". But awkwardness is notoriously hard to pin down. Often, we can perceive someone as awkward when they don't respond as enthusiastically as we hope. Or they lapse into a silence that goes on longer than we sense appropriate. Or they may give terse responses. Or not make eye contact. Or make overly intense eye contact. Or fire questions off like an interrogation. Or we may simply experience a vague sense of discomfort when we're around them.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">One thing my friend and I determined about awkward people is that there's a temptation to do more of the conversational "heavy lifting". There's pressure to fill in the pauses. There's more work required to come up with interesting topics. She resented taking on the greater load to carry the conversation.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you find someone awkward, the problem may not be them but you.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are two ways to evaluate this. The first means refraining from emotional caretaking and broadening one's social expectations. The second involves confronting one's discomfort in social settings.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Emotional caretaking: </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If someone is socially awkward, it may be less about the person's awkwardness and more about your desire to care for another person's emotions. Whenever I coach people to facilitate a small group discussion, I encourage them to be comfortable with silence after asking a question. Inexperienced or impatient facilitators often experience 2-3 seconds of silence as an eternity and jump in to re-phrase the question or offer their own thoughts. They perceive silence as their failure and others' pain and rush in to rescue the conversation. For slower verbal processors, silence is actually a gift. It offers an opportunity to gather one's thoughts. But for emotional caretakers, it's easy to interpret silence as an indication of another's pain or their own failure.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a vivid image in my mind of a close acquaintance who lost his wife to a years-long battle with cancer. He talked about how people at his church had trouble being around him. I'm confident it was "awkward" to be around him. He said he didn't change but other people did. After all, he had years to process his wife's illness. Others, however, hadn't done that work. Therefore, his wife's death meant a cloud followed him around wherever he went. You can think of awkward people, like this widower, as having (perceived) storm clouds above them. When this widower was talking to someone, they stood underneath his cloud. They felt the darkness and drops of rain. This widower didn’t mind the rain - in fact, he didn’t see any storm clouds. but others certainly did. And they felt compelled to carry the weight of her death. They wanted to extend an umbrella towards him to keep him from getting soaked. But he wasn't soaked, they were. No one wants to stand indefinitely holding out an umbrella for two people. It's an emotional weight most people aren't interested in bearing for long. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Discomfort with your own emotions:</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Sometimes you may experience someone as awkward because the other person has stumbled upon a topic that's uncomfortable for you to discuss. It can be an innocent question like "How is your church going?" Or less innocent like "How many people are in your church?" You may resent the person for not recognizing the insensitivity of their question. You may wonder about his/her intentions for asking - are they insinuating something about your worth as a person? What has actually happened is they've exposed an area of insecurity, pain, or sadness. And the more you've worked to keep that area covered, the greater the discomfort you might experience.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">In moments of emotional discomfort, there are valuable opportunities. I see them as invitations to introspection. It may not be something you can access at the moment but one way to respond to an uncomfortable question is to say "That's a tough question to answer" or "I have to think about that and get back to you". Sometimes the best thing might be to observe your own discomfort, take a moment to reflect, and not say anything. Yes, now you risk being the one who is awkward. And that’s ok.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you’re the awkward one: </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you've been labeled socially awkward, recognize there's an opportunity to allow awkwardness to lead to something significant and better. Awkwardness isn't the end. What's your bigger purpose for allowing another person to experience discomfort?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can also prepare the other person for your awkwardness. For example, something I've done is say: "Hey I know it's rude to pick up a bowl and slurp from it directly but I want to give you a heads up that I love ramen broth so much that after I finish these noodles, I'm going to cast off this tiny plastic spoon, plant my lips on the edge of the bowl, and tilt this bad boy into my mouth." In this case, ramen broth deliciousness is the greater good, a worthy value if there ever was one.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the one feeling discomfort about one’s own emotions, your path of introspection involves deciding if you want to continue to be around someone who brings up uncomfortable topics or make peace with the discomfort and embrace the awkward. The reality is we’re all somewhat awkward - we all occasionally do things that trigger discomfort in others. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the emotional caretaker, your gift is caring for others and compassion for those who may experience social discomfort. That compassion is better directed towards expressing curiosity about the other person's actual thoughts and feelings. You can start by asking “I wonder if you feel . . .” Perhaps you can assess how hard you've been working to hold out an umbrella for someone who's dry. Or getting mad that others aren't doing the same for you when they can't feel the rain.</span></p></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-55149280125645019422022-11-09T11:45:00.009-08:002022-11-10T09:29:34.688-08:00The Hardest Question<span style="font-family: arial;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqiZQ1Zs0D_FDpB1tshA2FKzYHFD2VUp4TF8KrJy8e2Fvubz-q2pN2RGoSe_Da5gIMEShfS5PRz193lPKTMm6abhl8mE3VV8PPOpflkRzww1mxNc0VCjmyClHa22LBfircTOfgpDJ93Igoj2YkMZRhLpTmvOxHckXTg65HmZWsCx4otXrfOqT8pSpt9w/s3831/simone-secci-49uySSA678U-unsplash.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3831" data-original-width="2873" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqiZQ1Zs0D_FDpB1tshA2FKzYHFD2VUp4TF8KrJy8e2Fvubz-q2pN2RGoSe_Da5gIMEShfS5PRz193lPKTMm6abhl8mE3VV8PPOpflkRzww1mxNc0VCjmyClHa22LBfircTOfgpDJ93Igoj2YkMZRhLpTmvOxHckXTg65HmZWsCx4otXrfOqT8pSpt9w/s320/simone-secci-49uySSA678U-unsplash.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>The hardest question for a pastor and especially a church planter, to answer is: How is your church going? It is a common question. It is akin to: How are you doing? It is also a loaded question. There are so many ways to answer and so many layers depending on the interest level of the listener, the social context you’re in, and if you had an oversized burrito for lunch. If it's a dinner party with a litigation attorney you just met, a brief one-sentence response can suffice. If it's in front of a fire pit with a good friend over whiskey, a more in-depth explanation is appropriate.</span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />The most challenging context to answer this question is around other pastors and church planters. Most pastors are polite to recognize the implications of the question. We tend to recognize the insecurities that drift around this line of inquiry. Since there aren't that many vocational ministers running around, comparison is inevitable. The biggest fear is the dreaded: "How many people attend your church?" It's the metric that towers above all other metrics; like asking a woman how much she weighs. It’s a number you can't really hide and due to social media, it seems others are always thrusting their numbers at you.<br /><br />This is the mindset I came in to the Acts 29 North America conference in October. My church belongs to the Acts 29 church planting network and this was the first COVID-era large in-person gathering with over a thousand attendees. Lots of pastors and church planters. All asking each other the same question.<br /><br />So in preparation, I came up with three sets of responses. It's important in these settings to strike a balance between boastful and overly self-aggrandizing. It's kind of like a whiskey sour. You have the sweetness of the whiskey offset by the tartness of the citric acid. Together, it's a compelling combination. My first response is the urinal neighbor pitch (shorter than the elevator pitch), which is usually just a few words. Something like "Good but hard". A response that is just above a grunt or nod and sufficiently vague to steer away further questioning. The second response, which is usually one minute long, describes the positive in ambiguous terms but is more specific about failure, as people tend to relate to failure much better than to success. It's also generally good to act humbly. Something like "Yeah, we're still figuring out who we are and we struggle to reach non-Christians". It’s a pretty safe response that many pastors and church planters can empathize with. This is a good meal-time answer where you have more time but still want to assess the attention span and interest of the listener. The third response is reserved for close friends and members of my pastors' cohort - a group of about ten men. Our twice-a-year cohort retreats set aside a large chunk of time devoted to each person answering that question. I spent the least time crafting this response as our retreat gives an hour for each pastor to sketch an answer to the question on a large notepad. This is where I experience the most freedom to be candid and the law of reciprocity makes a huge difference here. When you know everyone else is getting naked, it helps you take off your shirt. <br /><br />During the conference, I answered the question many times and generally felt good about my responses and how others' responded to my answer. On the last day of the conference, I talked with a church planter in Los Angeles. His church planting journey was quite bumpy, spanning almost a decade, with fits, starts, and plenty of challenges. I sensed a lull in our conversation and before he could ask me the dreaded question, I beat him to the bunch - "So how is your church going now?"<br /><br />He paused and said, "Man, that's a tough question to answer" and then began to describe some of the challenges in his current ministry setting as well as some good things that had been happening recently.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />I was stunned.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />How did he not have a prepared answer to this question?<br /><br />Did he forget where he was and not realize he would likely be asked this dozens of times?<br /><br />Was there an oversized burrito in his recent past?<br /><br />I really could not get how he did not have a canned response to this question. He was a ministry veteran and asking about how his church was doing was tough to answer. I couldn't get that question out of my head so when he paused, I said, "Hey, I appreciate that you said it was a tough question to answer. I often want to say that but don't have the courage".<br /><br />He looked at me, smiled, and said, "Man, I've been at this too long to care what people think of me".<br /><br />And that's when it hit me. I’m a middle-aged man with my dream job and satisfying relationships and yet like my pimply teenage self, I still care deeply about what people think of me. The line between my job and my worth as a person is very blurry. The question of how church is going is as innocent as I want to make it. <br /><br />This pastor didn't see his worth on the line so he could answer however he wanted. It didn't matter what people thought of me. I've heard a thousand times that Jesus loves me. I pray it over myself frequently but it's moments like these that I realize it hasn't sunk as deeply into my heart as I hoped. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">And yet it's also moments like this one where I meet someone else and I realize I'm not a prisoner to others' opinions, I don't have to be afraid of being judged, and I can answer freely and candidly. It's a moment where the reality of Christ's love realize can sink deeply enough so that question doesn't threaten me and I can just say, "Hey, that's a tough one".</span></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-12412796247442973552022-10-08T14:13:00.005-07:002022-10-08T14:13:26.315-07:00The Gift of Narcissism<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDf8YFurY3T9eIb_9iWE1sQmAgB1gkPBi4Ry2LP1wJOvw718jONZpeAmp3EzAR-yRdU-WWijvI2vCsf1-ceH0W4rNroiSJymDBYtlMpmHjHnJEf3GOjueEo_UEfd6LE8-TbqjdWRENdM-72SINWyHHt4bT6tVjmqOOFggWmHUSq04Q_En8CZniBvl9_Q/s4540/qasim-malick-LBmaAdVEUVQ-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4540" data-original-width="3243" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDf8YFurY3T9eIb_9iWE1sQmAgB1gkPBi4Ry2LP1wJOvw718jONZpeAmp3EzAR-yRdU-WWijvI2vCsf1-ceH0W4rNroiSJymDBYtlMpmHjHnJEf3GOjueEo_UEfd6LE8-TbqjdWRENdM-72SINWyHHt4bT6tVjmqOOFggWmHUSq04Q_En8CZniBvl9_Q/s320/qasim-malick-LBmaAdVEUVQ-unsplash.jpg" width="229" /></a></div><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please don't take this poem the wrong way</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But narcissism is a gift when you're a leader</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A scoop of self-consuming tendencies </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Can take your organization to the next level</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No more worrying about what other people think</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No need to listen to and receive feedback</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No more second-guessing yourself</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every decision you make is right and good</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You'll sleep well at night knowing </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's always someone else's fault and never yours</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No more anxiety about the future or the past</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because you own tomorrow as well as yesterday and today</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;">Rules and regulations are for other people</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Never forget that you’re the exception</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you break a rule that might be meant for you</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can always pretend you didn’t know</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Willful ignorance and good intentions</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Can justify any of your actions</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You’re the hammer; everyone else is a nail</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Build that wall and pound away</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What’s good for you is good for everyone else</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s the core belief of a self-focused person</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Never deviate from that narrative</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It makes the world so much simpler</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Apostle Paul was kinda full of himself</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And he wrote most of the New Testament</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Argued God not man spoke directly to him</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But his story in Acts begs to differ</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Paul bragged he never imposed on anyone</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yet no one doubts his rhetoric was imposing</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Good thing God gave him a thorn</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Otherwise he would have been completely insufferable</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let face it - ego moves the needle</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Extreme people do extreme things</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don't hate the player, hate the game</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And everyone knows nice guys finish last</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So if you’re sick and tired of losing</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stop the self-pity and imposter syndrome</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You have always belonged</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are God’s gift to the world</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A little dose of narcissism can go a long way</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just be careful how much you use</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because it’s an addictive chemical</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And remember it’s lonely at the top</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The world needs to stop hating on narcissists</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They need you on their team if they want to win</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stop feeling guilty when you run someone over</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let someone else count the bodies behind the bus</span></p><p><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></p>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-73444603941222654352022-08-21T16:10:00.001-07:002022-08-21T16:26:45.477-07:00When Everything is too Great and Marvelous<p><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b></b></span></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVlRuA5_Rl-WyZme6uMMxCiNCb26dU0RFA8f7rJ1vTotcjEIces-LWFWMzhEvCI-zVLcm5AZHwJkPRzofZCCBeTy1ijez8p8niE_XJnrX8suovRKMDPy6gCZAF5Fs4iGIr081ufx04aMUCW5j7Bzem7WE8Jt6Un3lXTQ-BC-0-6qzPHATDhAaXEY7Ogw/s5362/xavier-mouton-photographie-MRWHSKimBJk-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3575" data-original-width="5362" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVlRuA5_Rl-WyZme6uMMxCiNCb26dU0RFA8f7rJ1vTotcjEIces-LWFWMzhEvCI-zVLcm5AZHwJkPRzofZCCBeTy1ijez8p8niE_XJnrX8suovRKMDPy6gCZAF5Fs4iGIr081ufx04aMUCW5j7Bzem7WE8Jt6Un3lXTQ-BC-0-6qzPHATDhAaXEY7Ogw/w400-h267/xavier-mouton-photographie-MRWHSKimBJk-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></b></span></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Psalm 131</b></span></p><p></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-ebff80d4-7fff-5766-b9f1-562bc6d9163e"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my eyes are not raised too high; </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> But I have calmed and quieted my soul,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">like a weaned child with its mother;</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">like a weaned child is my soul within me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> recently preached a sermon from Psalms 131. It was a scary message to preach because my personality and temperament are diametrically opposed to calm, quiet, and not occupying myself with great and marvelous thoughts. I love noise, chaos, and thinking deep and philosophical thoughts. I seldom think a thought is too great and marvelous for me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In light of these barriers, I spent most of the sermon highlighting all the obstacles we face in calming and quieting ourselves with God.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I talked about not getting a good night's rest. I talked about tossing and turning endlessly to find the perfect sleeping position. I confessed how, in the wee hours of the morning, I find myself tormented by my own thoughts - comparing myself with others, dreading the tasks I'm supposed to get done, and replaying mistakes and failures of the past days. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I discussed the endless news cycle. I read headlines about Ukraine, the recession, Roe vs. Wade, and a pastor robbed of $1M in jewelry while on stage (!). I talked about most measures of health and safety improving globally but not mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and stress. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I discussed our culture of outrage and how online media uses clickbait tactics to elicit emotional reactions. Technology has enabled our vision to extend to the horizon and beyond. We can see and hear far beyond the reach of our hands and our heart's capacity to feel. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I alluded to focusing our thoughts and emotional energy on our sphere of influence. It's good to limit one's sphere of concern to the same radius as one's sphere of influence. Unfortunately, my sphere of influence is much smaller than I like to imagine. I can't get my dog to pee in the right place. Heck, my aim isn't that great either. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After the sermon, a couple of people asked me how to determine when one is occupied with "things too great and marvelous". I talked about the sphere of influence and sphere of concern. I realized this answer simply raises more questions about how to determine the size of one’s spheres. Over the past weeks, I've spent a good amount of time wondering about that question - how do I know when I'm occupying myself with things too great and marvelous for me?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Finally, the irony broke through. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I'm obsessing about which thoughts are too great and marvelous and which aren't, maybe that's the problem. Perhaps even just the act of discerning what's too great and marvelous is, in the moment, too great and marvelous for me. Perhaps the only thing I need to occupy myself is the image in the psalm. Perhaps the safest assumption is when I'm not calm and not quiet, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I can think about is too great and marvelous for me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Notice this psalm doesn't give specific thoughts to ponder. God is a genius in that regard. He understands our neuroticism. Instead of a thought, God gives us a picture. It's an image of contentment - a child experiencing intimacy and affection alongside his mother. It's a picture of calm and quiet. God doesn't tell us "Think about being calm and quiet and it will happen", He gives us a picture and asks us to gaze upon it and not worry about anything else.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A friend commented on how my sermon struck him as ironic. I hurried people back from the greeting time, spoke quickly, presented lots of information, and gave people multiple principles to apply. He didn't experience the message as meditative. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He was right. For a moment, I felt shame and regret creeping over me. Normally, this would trigger a fixation on how I would preach the sermon differently. I felt anxiety and panic preparing to give chase. Instead, I decided those thoughts might be too great and marvelous for me and held the picture of a contented child in my head. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I calmed down. </span></p><br /></span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-36189669880044542372022-05-01T17:06:00.003-07:002022-05-01T17:06:59.937-07:00Confronting the Snake: How Jordan Peterson Preaches the Gospel<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihaJ0S3-1bujr-43FmJGVRKM5oTqwSlbi9cTsDdjlJZC996ICm5UpNLIHge-cqq502qufSPLSCcXdkiqYamX8vQJpu2O1oxSXRNG4O05vptGW6L9yA_zh2GLxA7nXERoHpnlZ2BvmmxY2NG1IUjys1lcMgpEF4Pb_j6IRvPdrzUPr-HlKtWc6sKkFdQw/s5683/jade-lee-Fnx-3LmyuxU-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5683" data-original-width="3626" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihaJ0S3-1bujr-43FmJGVRKM5oTqwSlbi9cTsDdjlJZC996ICm5UpNLIHge-cqq502qufSPLSCcXdkiqYamX8vQJpu2O1oxSXRNG4O05vptGW6L9yA_zh2GLxA7nXERoHpnlZ2BvmmxY2NG1IUjys1lcMgpEF4Pb_j6IRvPdrzUPr-HlKtWc6sKkFdQw/s320/jade-lee-Fnx-3LmyuxU-unsplash.jpg" width="204" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">[2000 words, 14 minute read]</span><p></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-de8fcb53-7fff-eedc-7713-c80f11979244"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I recently attended a Jordan B. Peterson speaking event at the San Jose Civic. The event was part of a book tour promoting his latest work, </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Order-More-Rules-Life/dp/B08P3R4CKJ/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life.</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The auditorium was almost completely full, the audience about 85% male, and I spotted only a smattering of Asian Americans. About halfway through his lecture, I realize this an elaborate 75-minute gospel presentation. Gospel as in not only just Peterson’s soapbox but the good news of Jesus Christ. It was gorgeous and awe-inspiring.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Although I'm a pastor, I tire of most gospel presentations including my own. They're like sub-par romantic comedies: formulaic, emotionally manipulative, boring, and trying to be funny but falling woefully short. Worst of all, there's no subtlety; they hit you over the head with a trite message over and over. There's pressure in evangelical culture to present the gospel like a bad romantic comedy. It has to follow the formula. There’s an obligation to use the correct terms, abide by certain principles, and most importantly, cover all the bases - sin, fall, redemption, etc. In gospel proclamation, I value exhaustiveness and accuracy over creativity. It is exhausting.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But on Monday night, Peterson spoke of Christ in a compelling and beautiful way. It was arguably more gospel-saturated than a sermon by Tim Keller, one of evangelicalism's poster children. And yet Peterson's talk wasn't formulaic, boring, or emotionally manipulative. Rather. it risked offending many Christians. It defied evangelical convention. It was creatively inappropriate.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Acceptable Gospel Proclamation</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How inappropriate? </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First, let's define the boundaries of acceptable gospel proclamation. Many evangelicals would argue that proper gospel proclamation must include terms like sin, death, hell, propitiation/sacrifice, faith, eternal life, and most importantly, praying to receive Jesus in one's heart as LORD and savior. The discussion of sin, evil, and their consequences is extremely important otherwise the crucifixion of Christ has no meaning. The gospel proclaimer must identify as a Christian. Finally, a good gospel proclamation should have a point of decision. That's the purpose of the altar call - the "Come to Jesus moment". In Monday's lecture, Peterson did none of those things.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Peterson never identifies as a follower of Christ. He uses very little Christian jargon. He unabashedly appeals to the right-wing. He does not explicitly mention sin or evil. He opens the lecture with an extended diatribe about Marxism (spoiler alert: he doesn't like Marxism). He doesn’t use the term "faith", "eternal life", and certainly never mentions praying to receive Jesus as LORD and savior. He does not lead an altar call nor does he ask anyone to raise their hands to become a Christian. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Although it was unacceptable in evangelical terms, Peterson's lecture was unequivocally a gospel presentation. In Acts 17, curious Athenians invite the Apostle Paul to speak at the Areopagus in Athens. His gospel presentation does not include any of the above terms though he mentions repentance, judgment, righteousness, and explicitly mentions the resurrection of Christ. If one were to use Paul's speech as a template, gospel proclamation involves touch points with the audience's culture (Paul affirms the Athenian's religiosity), points to the transcendent Creator, explains the nature of evil and judgment, and describes the character and work of Jesus Christ. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Marxism as Ideology</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let's apply the template of Paul's Mars Hill speech to Peterson's lecture. His book tour lecture addressed his latest book’s 6th rule, "Abandon Ideology”. For Peterson, ideology equals Marxism. Peterson attacks Marxism as assuming a zero sum system - a world of limited economic resources where one person's increased consumption decreases the available supply for others. He also attacks the Marxist zero sum power belief that the world only contains two types of people: victims and victimizers. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Within this foray against Marxism, Peterson describes the inadequate explanatory power of psychopathy as the fundamental driver of human behavior. For example, we don't truly believe the founders and heads of enormous multinational corporations are psychopaths. If Jeff Bezos was a psychopath then it would translate in how Amazon is run but we buy from Amazon because it's a good deal. Amazon contributes value to our society and that runs counter to a psychopath's goal. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In driving this point home, Peterson makes touch points with political conservatives, who undoubtedly compose the majority of his audience. By attacking a shared enemy, the Neo-Marxists of today's woke culture, Peterson was building his credibility as a speaker. I view this extended introduction alongside Paul's introduction at the Areopagus, effectively saying to their respective hearers: "I love what we have in common here. Let me unpack what is going on with our shared interest." </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ideology as Hijacked Religious Narratives</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is where Peterson begins to unpack his ideas. He explains the differences between ideology and science. After the all-out assault on Marxism as ideology, Peterson contends that ideologies are </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">hijacked profound religious narratives</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Ideologies are parasitic. They sit on something good and suck the good out of them, at the expense of the host organism. And this of course, begs the question: what is a profound religious narrative? This is a crucial pivot point to begin explaining how the gospel is the most profound religious narrative.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Value of Religious Narrative</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Peterson then contrasts religion (not ideology) with science: Religious truth is different from science and teaches you how to act. Peterson discusses the power of an ethical system in defining what a winner is. His example: If you're teaching your son to play basketball and he's the best player on his team, what's your son's incentive to pass? Peterson defines being a winner as becoming the kind of teammate that others want to play with as opposed to winning any particular game. A robust religious narrative must define what a win is. Peterson is laying the groundwork for what defines a valuable religious narrative.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Next Peterson describes the power of stories. They are transmitters of ethical behavior. And the Bible is about what to worship. He discusses Cain and Abel and the act of making sacrifices. The act of burning incense or simply gazing upward is an act of connecting with the transcendent. The sky is above and beyond us. It means to connect with something greater than ourselves. Sacrifice concerns what you should value, celebrate, imitate, and mimic. He speaks of Chinese immigrants coming to Canada as a sacrifice for their children's education. Peterson then asks rhetorically “What, therefore, is of greatest value and worthy of sacrifice? </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Certainly not Marxism. Rather, he speaks of Israel’s tyranny under Egypt. He explains that God is the principle of calling a people out of slavery, out of unjust oppression. Therefore, Israel's plagues and wilderness trials are best understood as necessary sacrifices for freedom.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Confronting the Snake (aka the surpassing value of Christ)</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then seemingly out of the blue, Peterson drops this: </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Christ is the word of God that spans time and space and he is the word that brings chaos out of order</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. And around there begins his story of the snakes.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Israelites complained about life in the wilderness. They grumbled against God. God sent snakes to bite the Israelites and those bitten died from the poison. It is horrible and tragic. And yet the solution God gives to Moses is not to get rid of the snakes. Nor even to get rid of the poison. God has Moses make a fake snake. Peterson explains the fake snake represents the thing you fear the most. You have to look upon the one whom you are most afraid of; the snake who bites you. You must confront your worst fear.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The cross is the embodiment of our worst fears. The cross is an instrument of torture, humiliation, and death. The cross is the worst thing imaginable and death is the worst of all snakes. We cannot bear the unbearable weight of mortality but through the cross.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And the gospels teach us (he doesn’t cite the reference but it’s John 3:14-15) that the Son of Man will be lifted up like the fake snake. It means we need to confront our worst fear - torture, humiliation, and death. After all, death is the worst possible snake. And therefore, to be reborn is what happens after we confront our worst fears. You need to stare death in the face in order to live. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And Peterson closes by declaring how the crucified Christ makes too much sense. God is the one who causes you to look upon one whom you are afraid of; he is the snake who bites you. And the figure of Christ himself is now regarded as divine; that’s what we are called upon to do - to regard him as divine. Christ is the opposite of an ideology; the conception that should be elevated to the highest place. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And his final words: Everything not Christ is an ideology that should be abandoned.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Creativity over Exhaustiveness and Accuracy in Gospel Proclamation</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s important to assess Peterson’s ideas by the appropriate criteria. I’ve heard him make statements in lectures and podcasts that contradict historical, orthodox Christianity. However, Peterson is not a pastor, teacher, or Christian leader. He cannot be a false teacher if he doesn’t purport to be a spiritual guide. Again, he does not even profess to be a follower of Jesus. On that account, I let his words and actions speak for themselves and as I’ve accounted, they testify about Jesus in a profound and remarkable way. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thus, I see Peterson as a deep undercover missionary or Balaam’s donkey. He’s a missionary because if you’re reading this post, you’re likely an evangelical and he’s not talking to you. Peterson targets disaffected men that the evangelical church has failed to engage. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The other alternative is Peterson is a type of Balaam’s donkey. He is an unintentional prophet declaring truths he’s not fully aware of. And we don’t evaluate a prophet’s message based on exhaustiveness or accuracy. No one expects Balaam (a pagan prophet) or his donkey to spout correct theology. Rather, the prophet’s method is creative expression. And the missionary prizes creativity over exhaustiveness and accuracy in order to reach his mission field. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After further reflection, there were two things I realized after listening to Peterson that evening. One, the gospel is beautiful. Peterson wasn't making the gospel more attractive than it already is. He was revealing its marvelous worth by putting it next to other belief systems (consider the alternative!) and having us join with him to behold the beauty of Jesus in his death and resurrection. He took us into a clearing at night to gaze up at the stars and have us fix our attention on the brightest one. He said you don't need to pay attention to other stars - they don't shine as brightly or they're not actually stars. Focus on the one that lights up the rest of the sky. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Two, anyone can preach the gospel because there are many ways to preach it. It's not about a formula. If you’re a missionary (and every disciple is, in some form) then it's about knowing your audience, creating touch points because of shared values, and then transitioning to the beauty of what Jesus accomplished. Peterson's defiance of evangelical convention testifies to the freedom we have in gospel proclamation. Jesus employed all kinds of images that would penetrate to the hearts of his agrarian-focused audience. He was rarely exhaustive in his explanations of the kingdom. After all, parables are dense and focused metaphors and yet they are richly creative. There are myriad ways to preach the gospel, unique to each disciple of Jesus and the people a disciple is called to reach. It is comforting and freeing that God designed my imagination to talk about Christ in new ways.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Finally, the evening did contain a reference to sin though it didn't come from Peterson. It came from his wife, Tammy, who introduced Jordan to the stage. She shared a personal example of abandoning ideology. She talked about an interaction with her husband that left her hungry and resentful and prayed the serenity prayer. However, instead of blaming her husband, Tammy invited the Spirit to address the problem within her rather than the problem outside of her. It was quite moving and a great testimony to begin a gospel presentation. </span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-52153580210466463272022-02-08T10:35:00.000-08:002022-02-08T10:35:25.246-08:00How I teach my kids about money<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhN2igCK8T_eeouZj9gMOo6gavIL7Tm9k6E8Qq1J7TTj9n5WynsorqB3Wo934P2XFB8lo9NQFz64aAYTt0DhVdPRO5qchgIhprxgET_MN1pE3Nye1H8bREIyK7__CJJlOiHDgIxxv8jKICy66u1BqDjtFV00Tutuf-368IAN_-LgBZ1MztmulVVdLKhmw=s4032" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhN2igCK8T_eeouZj9gMOo6gavIL7Tm9k6E8Qq1J7TTj9n5WynsorqB3Wo934P2XFB8lo9NQFz64aAYTt0DhVdPRO5qchgIhprxgET_MN1pE3Nye1H8bREIyK7__CJJlOiHDgIxxv8jKICy66u1BqDjtFV00Tutuf-368IAN_-LgBZ1MztmulVVdLKhmw=w223-h298" width="223" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Money has a mystical quality. In ages past (aka 10 years ago), people carried around paper currency. New, crisp bills had a sacred aura. The stamped sheets of green had a fresh aroma like a new car. And then there were metallic circles called coins. I remember my parents used to collect pennies in rolls. I haven't seen a roll of pennies in years and I'm certain it functions better as a paperweight. </span><br /><span id="docs-internal-guid-cd1536d2-7fff-75db-b257-920bb1783fbc"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Technology has worked to make money invisible and touchless. It's no longer a physical transaction. We pay our credit cards online and shift them out of our attention through auto-pay. We set up recurring donations to our local church or charity. Taxes, healthcare premiums, and 401(k) contributions are automatically deducted from our paychecks and the remainder is directly deposited to our bank accounts. Even as money has become less visible, it's also become more visible in strange and magical ways. Every now and then, I scroll through my Venmo public transaction feed and guess the amounts my friends are paying each other. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We watch the digits in our bank, brokerage, and crypto accounts go up and down, along with our delight and anxiety. With real-time finance apps, we implicitly invest in an emotional index fund. Our emotional life is tethered to the moment-by-moment fluctuations of our portfolio’s market value. I can literally sit and stare as my money grows or shrinks. Because money exerts this powerful unseen influence, it's difficult to teach children its impact without making it visceral. In order to teach children about money, we need the digits to be made flesh. We need to demystify money by making it visible and touchable.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Get that paper:</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> A friend shared his idea of how he made money visible for his children. He converted a month's paycheck into cash and then labeled an envelope with an expense category such as cell phone, utilities, mortgage, food, etc. After dinner one evening, he presented the cash and then had his children guess how much cash should go into each envelope, representing a month's worth of that particular expense. They would count the money out and then he would add/remove bills to illustrate the actual spending for each expense category. I loved the idea and did this with my children a couple of years ago. Even on a pastor's salary, a month's paycheck is way more cash than I like to carry (which is$0) and I converted a week's worth into various denominations of bills. Then I divided the most recent total annual expenses for each category by 52. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I first presented the cash, my younger children were amazed at how much money it was. Rarely does anyone see that much cash. It was enlightening to see what my children estimated for each category. For instance, they overestimated how much we spend on our cell phone service. Given their massive importance in our digital life, a phone bill costs practically nothing. They underestimated how much we give to our church and to charities. I distinctly recall one of our kids asking why we give so much money away. I think he believed he should be entitled to some of that cash and I totally get his thinking. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Family Love fund: </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The other way we teach our kids about money is we set up a family love fund. Churches have love funds in order to bless someone in financial need. Judy and I wanted to model generosity for our children and we set up a family love fund where a monthly amount is transferred from our checking account to our love fund account. Periodically, we discuss needs of friends we're aware of and how we might give this money away. My kids don't have much preference of how it's used but I think they appreciate how we involve them in the discussion. I don't know a good way to make this visual but I'm open to ideas. I know there are families that keep a "love jar" (my term not theirs) and place cash inside until it accumulates enough to give away. What's important here is to have a basis for discussion of generosity since so much financial happens invisibly.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Breaking the Spell:</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I enjoy teaching my kids about money but sometimes I wonder what exactly is the lesson or value I’m communicating. For example, I also love talking with them about the </span><a href="https://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2017/12/relationship-habits-compound.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">power of compounding</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I bought stocks for each of them in Robinhood to help illustrate the impact of time in the market. And yet my personality and upbringing influences how I view money in ways I can't hide. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The reality is there are many ways we as parents teach our children about money without intending to. Whenever I ask how much something costs, I'm teaching my kids about my view of scarcity and abundance, how I view generosity, and what I view as valuable. For example, when our family goes out to eat, even for fast food, it can get quite expensive. With four active children between ages 13-20 years old, our family eats A LOT. I remember taking my family out to a trendy ramen (sorry, redundant) place. It was a rare treat. As I scanned the entree prices, I couldn't help but remark on how expensive each bowl was. I recall telling my hungriest son that he couldn't order the largest portion with additional sides. The atmosphere of our meal shifted somewhat from that point forward. The food was decent but I remember leaving the restaurant thinking about my kids and asking myself, </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What if their enduring memory of eating out as a family is Dad complaining about how much each dish costs?”</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Money has a power that goes beyond whatever conscious intentionality or conspicuous virtue signaling that I want to display. It affects what neighborhood we choose to live in (high-scoring schools), the kind of car we drive (Tesla or not?), and how we interact with panhandlers at freeway exit ramps (eye contact, cash or both/neither?). It affects our wardrobe choices and how we portray ourselves on social media. There are money patterns embedded in my </span><a href="https://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2015/05/my-money-story.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">subconscious</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that I want to uproot and redo. Money casts an invisible spell that is vital to break. Many Christians argue that money is a neutral resource. Rather, it’s all about how it’s used. And yet scripture indicates there are supernatural forces at play when humans interact with money. That’s hardly innocent and doesn’t sound neutral. Regardless of whether money is neutral, its invisible temptations are palpable in our culture and throughout history. Most of us work extremely hard to keep our financial standing and money habits secret. There are tensions here that are important to disclose and discuss. I've begun talking to my children and my church community about that struggle. It's not easy to share about but I now experience moments of freedom from money's gravitational pull. I encourage you to take the leap and do the same.</span></p></span><p></p>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-40850718005953561272022-01-19T21:26:00.001-08:002022-01-29T12:05:18.490-08:00Why I invest in stocks<p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj8pRcxgvY_-xB8Zjk7zdUmZVEpWP0mQvmBYEwYm3rTeAIuDe3MVDZ4WpD_KcrkUCAjwcAQbITHjIcntqPb39QMX11m-2tmYm4pQBmt_jV9-2pC4emKiAtBTuWRkzdHl0jLiwdr75TcGBbS6YEb21Nz_N5PHuTMk1w8B1WU4xhZDBUp934gtGaB-Nz_7Q=s3882" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3106" data-original-width="3882" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj8pRcxgvY_-xB8Zjk7zdUmZVEpWP0mQvmBYEwYm3rTeAIuDe3MVDZ4WpD_KcrkUCAjwcAQbITHjIcntqPb39QMX11m-2tmYm4pQBmt_jV9-2pC4emKiAtBTuWRkzdHl0jLiwdr75TcGBbS6YEb21Nz_N5PHuTMk1w8B1WU4xhZDBUp934gtGaB-Nz_7Q=s320" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;">Our <a href="http://quicksilver.church">church</a> started a sermon series about money. Money has all kinds of contradictions for Christians.</span><div><span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span id="docs-internal-guid-07a89f57-7fff-2f0d-559c-3212077ba864"><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">For instance, I believe:</span><span style="font-family: arial;"><ol style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-inline-start: 48px;"><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a citizen of an invisible nation and worship an unseen king</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nothing I've received truly belongs to me</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is an afterlife and my choices matter into eternity</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Money presents supernatural temptations</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Generosity is the way the power of money is subverted</span></p></li></ol><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the other hand, I contend with these earthly realities:</span></p><ol style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-inline-start: 48px;"><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I grew up in the Silicon Valley as the child of Chinese immigrants who worked their "dream jobs" at IBM and Apple through the 1970s and 1980s.</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My parents emphasized saving money (the</span><a href="https://open.spotify.com/episode/0LIFSQah8bFYptZpnfxNtV?si=KVZvTZuqSjC3ioRX-430ZQ" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: black; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Asian conscience"</span></a><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">), and like many of their Silicon Valley peers, accumulated significant wealth from their stock and real estate investments</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to provide for my wife and my future needs as well as provide for my children and contribute to my kids' costs of higher education</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I worked in tech and am well-educated, competitive, and enjoy knowledge pursuits</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The majority of my peers are also well-educated and work in tech, and I lead a congregation that is primarily well-educated and works in tech</span></p></li></ol><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How do I reconcile these competing realities?</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, I don't. Not completely at least.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some Christians contend these realities are reconcilable. I have trouble buying it. One reason money exerts such powerful influence is that it’s often accompanied by secrecy. There's such a strong temptation to hide how one spends his/her money because of the values that our money practices reveal. Every Christian wrestles with the gap between one's stated ideals and actual behavior. Money is typically the area where that gap is widest.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Therefore, the purpose of this post is to share how I attempt to merge values and practice when it comes to money. </span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some of this post will be rationalizing my current behavior. There are just some contradictions with money that I believe are impossible to overcome. I believe it's why Jesus said, "</span><span style="color: #001320; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." </span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And yet, I hope in sharing this I can narrow the gap between stated values and actual behavior and encourage others to do the same. So I'm less concerned about my practice becoming a model but rather that my thoughtfulness and transparency would inspire you to both think and behave differently.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please note that this post is not about the practice of generosity. That's a separate topic, and yet incredibly relevant as saving and investing are simply means towards an end.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So here is a breakdown of how I use my money:</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I invest in stocks because I believe it's good to own publicly-traded companies, profit from their ownership, and thereby participate in the economic life of my local community and region. As I've alluded to earlier, I think stock investing is good because of my background and my employment history. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I started working at IBM right after college, at my dad's recommendation, I maxed out my 401k contributions and participated in their stock purchase program where employees received a 15% discount. I held onto the stock until Judy and I sold it to apply to a down payment on a home purchase in 2004. Like many in this area who are able to buy homes, we received down payment assistance from both sets of parents. Like my parents, Judy's parents also invested in stocks. So you could say stock investing is something I've inherited from both sets of parents and parents are models for how children practice money.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Soon after the purchase of our home, I realized there were many tech companies not named IBM whose market share, influence, and stock price were growing at astounding rates. I felt elated that I could have an ownership stake in these culture-shaping companies that set out to change the world. It was no less exhilarating to look around and see many of my peers and friends employed at these companies. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of my practices today is to research (and possibly invest in) the tech companies that my friends are employed at. After all, growing companies hire. Over the past 40+ years, I've been privileged to witness the landscape and influence of Silicon Valley expand to shape the world in indelible ways. I didn't realize that my January 2019 lunch inside the super secretive Apple Park was more globally coveted than a tour of the Sistine Chapel.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a pastor in San Jose, I no longer work in tech but I can still participate in and benefit from the economic boom of this area. I already benefit because my salary is derived from the compensation of tech employees who attend or have attended the churches I've been on staff with. Stock investing in tech companies is a way to further tie myself to the fortunes of this area. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That being said, I have some principles by which I approach stock investing. I invest in stocks with our taxable, retirement (Traditional IRA and Roth IRA), and children's educational plans (529). Where possible, I own stock in individual companies. I know index funds are a great way to generate wealth but I'm competitive and seek to beat the market's (S&P500) returns. I don't care if it's arrogant or unrealistic. I pursue a long-term buy and hold approach. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As alluded to earlier, I prefer local/regional companies where I have some basic understanding of the product/industry and appreciate their approach, values, or competitive advantage. I also like to purchase companies that seek to promote good. For example, five years ago my largest position was in WW (formerly "Weight Watchers") because I believe in their approach of building healthy eating habits through relationships and accountability. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My familiarity with Silicon Valley can also be a detriment. I stopped investing in Apple because of the ubiquity of their products. I couldn't stomach investing in Tesla because of how sick I am of seeing their cars. In our starter home neighborhood, three of the six houses surrounding our own have Teslas in the garage. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I also invest in stocks because I'm not tremendously bothered by volatility. The market and housing crash of 2008-2009 was sobering but made me realize that tying myself to the fortunes of an area cuts both ways. Investing in local companies bonds me to my area and community in ways that I believe are beneficial.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Why I don't invest in real estate: </b>There are many ways to invest one's money in order to generate a return. I don't invest in real estate because it's not as familiar to my background and I haven't chosen to invest my time in learning the arena. You can make a good argument that it's more "spiritual" to invest in real estate versus stocks because as a real estate investor, you have a much greater opportunity to express your values. You can live out Christian values in the way you look for property, build relationships with prospective sellers, approach property management, etc. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For this reason, real estate investing is something I want to explore in the future. It provides the potential to run a Christ-centered business that blesses others and benefits a neighborhood. This only applies if you're the controlling owner/manager of a property as crowdfunding real estate behaves more like a stock investment.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Why I don't invest in cryptocurrency:</b> I have some play money in cryptocurrencies mainly because of my brother's influence and generosity. I watched some YouTube videos about crypto (I'm an expert now!) and still don't really understand how crypto works nor am I really sure what I'm investing in exactly. I'm suspicious and wary of the get-rich-quick temptations and addictive nature of crypto. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nevertheless, I believe blockchain technology has compelling features that will have an outsized influence in the future and yet I have no idea what that looks like any time soon. Therefore, I'm trying to get kids to learn about it since it will influence their livelihood much more than it will influence my own.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I invest in stocks because I've been lucky, fortunate, and blessed to live in a time and place of astounding economic growth. I don’t invest in other areas because I am not as familiar with them. I hope my candid thoughts on how I invest my money helps you to analyze your own money habits to help you use your money wisely. </span></p></span></span></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-21823739728676977102021-08-12T21:14:00.000-07:002021-08-12T21:14:03.980-07:00Review of Fault Lines: Towards a More Expansive View of Evil<div style="text-align: left;"><span id="docs-internal-guid-672fcf37-7fff-f35a-429b-af71dac07fb2"><span style="font-size: medium;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><p></p><p><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jJv6x5ZDaN4/YRXvvZ-1wLI/AAAAAAAATqg/kkH3VUQ4lGg_BqjDg6u7RYGxShFUBUNKgCLcBGAsYHQ/s848/Photo%2Bon%2B8-12-21%2Bat%2B9.04%2BPM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="848" data-original-width="580" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jJv6x5ZDaN4/YRXvvZ-1wLI/AAAAAAAATqg/kkH3VUQ4lGg_BqjDg6u7RYGxShFUBUNKgCLcBGAsYHQ/w219-h320/Photo%2Bon%2B8-12-21%2Bat%2B9.04%2BPM.jpg" width="219" /></a></p><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Critical Race Theory (CRT) has been around for a long time. I pursued an education minor at UC Berkeley during the mid-1990s and Paulo Freie’s </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Pedagogy of the Oppressed</span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"> (1968) was required reading in my ED190 class. Power dynamics is the bedrock of critical theory - the broader belief system for various types of oppression including racial, gender, socioeconomic, cognitive, disability, and sexual orientation. I vividly recall a class session where my instructor, a female graduate student, dressed in black leather, barked commands, and marched around the classroom, slapping a black riding crop on students’ desks. Her cosplay was exhibit A on the oppressiveness of traditional education. I remember classmates rolling their eyes at one another and taking it all in with amusement. </span></p><p></p></div></span></span><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The non-role play class sessions were stimulating in other ways. We had good discussions and our instructor worked hard to treat us as peers and engage us in dialogue. This emphasis on dialogue as both a means and ends to learning shaped my views on education and spiritual formation. In fact, dialogue informs the values of the church I lead today. At the same time, I also recall how conspiracy theory-driven these ideas seemed to me. Anything and everything could be considered a sign of oppression. I remember thinking there was no way these crazy theoretical ideas would ever become mainstream. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Twenty-five years later and the ideas previously confined to the halls of Tolman now proliferate in board rooms, classrooms, churches, movie theaters and homes. At the time of this writing, Voddie Baucham's </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fault-Lines-Movement-Evangelicalisms-Catastrophe/dp/1684511801/ref=zg_bs_books_97?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9GJHPEQFMGN31VNS219W" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fault Lines</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> ranked </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/best-sellers-books-Amazon/zgbs/books/ref=zg_bs_pg_2?_encoding=UTF8&pg=2" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">#97</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> (</span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fault-Lines-Movement-Evangelicalisms-Catastrophe/dp/1684511801/ref=zg_bs_books_97?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9GJHPEQFMGN31VNS219W" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">#1</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> in Christian Personal Growth) on Amazon's Best Seller list. That is incredibly popular for a non-fiction, non-self help book written by a conservative evangelical pastor. I reviewed Robin DiAngelo's </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">White Fragility</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a couple of years ago and felt it would be helpful to do the same with a book on the other side of the political/ideological spectrum. I also wanted to read a thoughtful, Christian critique of critical race theory (CRT or “wokeness”) which includes antiracism, the Black Lives Matter movement, and white fragility. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fault Lines</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> fits that bill. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This book addresses a complex topic and many of my thoughts are contradictory. Let me attempt to address the different audience groups who might read this post. First, Baucham is addressing Christians. He makes appeals to Christian values. He uses biblical language. Most importantly, he assumes his audience shares his belief in and understanding of sola scriptura (scripture alone).</span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you’re a progressive-leaning Christian, I’d encourage you to to read this from a relational perspective and a receptive attitude; to have an open mind and give the author the benefit of the doubt. Baucham is our brother. He is a family member whom Christ’s blood paid for. You have doubtless heard many of the arguments Baucham makes and I would admonish you to think through them deeply. Wokeness scares anti-CRT evangelicals because CRT is at the center of the cultural zeitgeist. It is incredibly popular and pervasive, especially in academia, urban centers, and large corporations. Insurance companies and makers of socks and underwear have jumped on the BLM bandwagon. Throughout church history, Christians have debated about how to interact with culture. This is important and good. It’s normative Christian behavior to view what’s culturally en vogue through a lens of suspicion. It’s also vital that Christians think critically and recognize our propensity to be inconsistent and unaware.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For example, I see posters plastered in front of homes and on storefronts where the first line reads “Black Lives Matter” and the second: “Science is Real”, which addresses conservatives’ dismissal of climate change. Unfortunately, I have witnessed strong anti-science and anti-evidence tendencies from CRT proponents when it comes to race. </span><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/07/why-university-california-dropping-sat/619522/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am not alone</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Please don’t skip past the section that examines the reported details of the race-motivated incidents of the past two years. Please don’t dismiss evidence because the witness was white or “broken” or simply: “because systemic racism”. Don’t commit the same error you accuse your opponents of. Since it’s easier to say what not to do than what to do: Please ground your CRT understanding in biblical language, according to scripture (and not just Old Testament), with a sound biblical hermeneutic. Please exercise humility and acknowledge the excesses of the CRT movement before making your counterarguments. </span><a href="https://frenchpress.thedispatch.com/p/structural-racism-isnt-wokeness-its" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is a good example. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you’re a conservative-leaning Christian, I’d encourage you to to read this from a critical perspective. Baucham makes a biblical case but it’s far from air-tight as I hope to demonstrate. I see excesses and errors in his book. My post will identify some but ultimately that’s your job not mine. Don’t just swallow this book’s arguments and regurgitate them all over a coworker during a mandatory diversity training. Don’t accost your pastor with these arguments. Baucham is a preacher. I believe he employs hyperbole strategically to make a point. Recognize that and don’t take yourself too seriously. Instead, do listen to others. Acknowledge the excesses and lack of humility in the other. Many of my conservative-leaning friends in the bay area stay silent due to the cultural climate here. Most importantly, try to see what is valuable and good in the Critical Race Theory. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Unfortunately, as with so much messaging in this culture, this book is unlikely to change anyone's mind about the social justice movement. Those who uphold CRT will be reinforced in their beliefs and those who are suspicious and afraid of CRT will feel further justified in their stance. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">White Fragility</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I was confident starting </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fault Lines</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that I wouldn't agree with a lot of what Baucham said. What surprised me is how much I did agree with and support. I was pleasantly surprised by how conciliatory his tone was, especially at the end. Throughout the book he works hard to be charitable, consistent, fair-minded, intellectually honest, and grounded in scripture. His prose is easy to read. I would be honored to be friends with him and I’m sure we would engage in many spirited debates. I will start by discussing what moved me, what I disagreed with, and what my takeaways are. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-weight: 700; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Where Baucham is right</span></span></p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;">Baucham makes numerous noteworthy points. The first two chapters chronicle his ethnic and spiritual journey. Having almost no memories of his father, he honors his mother's sacrifice, protection, advocacy, and discipline for and of her son. In the second chapter, he explores the tensions of being a black Christian - how to navigate ethnicity and faith. Baucham exhibits tremendous courage in standing on the unpopular side of an issue, not just against non-Christians but Christians as well. He discusses his rise in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) until he was branded a "radical" for advocating a boycott of Disney and public schools due to their overt LGBTQIA+ agenda and his open identification as a Calvinist. Baucham is not afraid to be a lightning rod of controversy. I would object to any accusations about his being an Uncle Tom, falling victim to internalized racism, or attempting to become white. This simply is not his track record.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the third chapter, Baucham discusses the individual cases of George Floyd, Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, Michael Brown, and Breonna Taylor. His analysis of each incident is detailed and precise and he does a good job in highlighting how pertinent details of each case were obscured because they "did not fit the narrative".</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;">His chapter on the 2018 Dallas Statement on Social Justice and the Gospel and account of how a social justice resolution was modified and passed at the 2019 SBC annual meeting was fascinating. Baucham gives a behind-the-scenes glimpse of his perspectives of those events and though I'm only hearing his side of the story, he shares observations about efforts from prominent Evangelicals to quell discussion, drastically modify a resolution, and then coerce its passing. It is a poignant irony that proponents of CRT can fight against coercion and abuse of power with tactics that are abusive and coercive. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Baucham presents a CRT principle he terms “ethnic gnosticism”. Gnosticism is an ancient heresy that bases salvation and redemption on esoteric knowledge (gnosis). In Baucham’s framework, ethnic gnosticism is hidden knowledge only accessible by Black, indigenous, and other people of color. Black and indigenous people have increased access to truth because their oppression is greater (hence, BIPOC). By the same token, white people cannot access truth and if a person of color makes anti-CRT comments, then he or she has been broken. DiAngelo’s </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">White Fragility</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is a case in point whereupon a white person is caught in a Kafka trap (79) where denying guilt is proof of guilt. </span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Problems with Baucham’s argument</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;">Baucham sometimes stumbles in reading attentively and portraying CRT accurately. He quotes Latasha Morrison, a Christian leader and the founder of the Be the Bridge curriculum. Her definition of racism includes systemic injustice and closes with "in addition to the racist beliefs and actions of individuals" (82) and then a sentence later, Baucham responds to her definition with "We are no longer dealing with the hearts of men". That is precisely not what her quoted definition states. And then later he continues this falsehood by saying the social justice movement denies the role of the heart, which Morrison's aforementioned quote also explicitly does not support. </span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Baucham continues: "At the heart of the 'woke' movement lies the idea that the sin of racism is no longer to be understood as an individual sin." (84) Again, this is also simply not true for other "woke" pastors. He references Pastor Daniel Hill's</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> White Awake</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> as another exhibit of CRT co-opting Christendom. I've read </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">White Awake</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, spoken with Hill about his book, and nowhere does Hill deny the role of individual sin; in fact, if anything his book helps expose the unintentional way in which the sin of partiality pervades American evangelical culture. What "woke" Christians are working to expand the definition of racism beyond intent to encompass impact. Beyond what is conscious and intentional to that which is unconscious and unintentional, a definition that is biblical (sacrifices for unintentional sin). Overall, it's not a tragic miss but it is upsetting and distracting that someone who derides "false witness-bearing" can provide a textbook example of constructing a straw man.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Reconciling Baucham’s perspective </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Overall, this book helped me understand why many Christians object to the social justice movement and its dangers. These dangers are real and yet as Baucham himself notes in the case of atheists like Lindsay and Pluckrose, you do not need a faith perspective to recognize the excess, hypocrisy, and coercion. Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianioff have discussed at length in their insightful </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Coddling-American-Mind-Intentions-Generation/dp/0735224897" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">book</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><a href="https://harpers.org/a-letter-on-justice-and-open-debate/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Harper's Weekly</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> issued its own statement. A recent Atlantic </span><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2021/07/george-packer-four-americas/619012/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">article</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> describes the social justice movement ("Just America") as relying on "intolerant dogma and coercive tactics" and the central irony of "justice is power". </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm aware of these excesses and yet as we learn to read scripture through Eastern eyes, I've learned the Bible is much more than moral sayings directed to individuals. The Bible showcases the implications of unintentional sin by people groups (Leviticus 4:13-21) and the minor prophets consistently rebuke Israel and her leaders for failing to rule with justice and show compassion on the marginalized and the foreigner.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the New Testament, Paul speaks of justice in addressing abusive masters: "For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done" (Colossians 3:25). Here justice is not an earthly endeavor but rather submission to God’s ultimate responsibility.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The gift of CRT to Christians is it offers a selective and overlooked lens by which to evaluate man’s fallen nature. It is a partial understanding of the doctrine of sin. It is selective because it limits its focus on oppressors and views institutions primarily (and sometimes solely) through the lens of power. In the past, this lens was overlooked because the nature of power excludes the powerless. The bible contains a profound understanding of power dynamics. The Christian faith understands sin to be pervasive - sin affects all people, irrespective of color and sex, and sin infects all people at a heart level. Because CRT offers an incomplete diagnosis, it offers only a partial solution - coercive tactics to subvert and equalize power. On the other hand, the Christian faith’s all-encompassing view of evil requires a total transformation of the heart and subsequently, institutions. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take-aways from Fault Lines</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What's my takeaway? As an Asian American pastor, it is my responsibility to preach the gospel in the language of the people I minister to. Much of the language in the social justice movement can be translated into and interpreted out of biblical terms and principles. Partiality is certainly the larger umbrella of -ism under which racism, sexism, favoritism, and able-ism and others are covered. Paul's speech at the Areopagus in Acts 17 is one example of how the gospel can affirm aspects of culture while rebuking what is antithetical. In Baucham's narrow and individualistic hermeneutic, there is no room for social justice language. His Christian worldview is binary - it has no room for gradations of color. As an Asian American that came to faith through the ethnic church and spent 27 years there, I'm better equipped to read the Bible through a collectivist lens and an acceptance of uncertainty, tension, and ambiguity.</span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a young Christian, I loved to hear specific ways in which I could live out the Christian life. Many Christian leaders are celebrated because of their ability to give detailed instructions on behavior. However, I quickly realized practical imperatives needed to be contextualized and frankly, taken less seriously. One example during college was Joshua Harris’</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I Kissed Dating Goodbye</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Purity culture was fruitful for me in marrying early because also I didn’t take it too seriously and realized some of the specifics were impractical and trivial. It also felt weird to venerate someone who was the same age as me. As Westerners, I think we often have an all or nothing mindset.We often take on the fool’s choice - either complete acceptance or utter rejection. It’s hard for us to step into the “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure”. Baucham offers his readers the gift of a healthy dose of skepticism for ideas. But just as CRT offers a partial diagnosis through skepticism of power, we can maintain a healthy skepticism of prevailing ideas while simultaneously affirming ways in which culture points to Jesus. That’s one way to embrace uncertainty, tension, and ambiguity.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In </span><a href="http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon2/pedagogy/pedagogychapter3.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">chapter 3</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pedagogy of the Oppressed</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, Freire discusses dialogue as a means to transform the world. He highlights humility, a profound love for mankind, and critical thinking as prerequisites for dialogue. Earlier in chapter 1, he explains how oppressors are motivated by material consumption. These principles are compatible with historic Christianity. However, there are current strains of CRT that are coercive, dogmatic, and cruel. One resounding CRT answer seems to be: Bring down oppressors to a lower level and value the oppressed through resource accumulation. And yet the Christian response is never to lower another person or coerce material redistribution. Christianity does not operate by demoting the powerful but by elevating the powerless. This is what we can agree on as Christians, no matter where we stand politically.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p></span><span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In conclusion, if you’re a progressive-leaning Christian, I recommend reading Fault Lines to understand how your conservative family members and friends think about this topic. There may be better anti-CRT books out there but I appreciate Bauchan’s commitment to orthodoxy. I would encourage thoughtful engagement with his hermeneutics and theology, which has weaknesses (as others have </span><a href="https://mereorthodoxy.com/book-review-faultlines-by-voddie-baucham/?fbclid=IwAR1cxHM8Fl6yyDHtIxP7GudwxHOtgVskJyfkm9V8BXTJ0lUOqSMcKIINKgc" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">noted</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">). I would consider Baucham’s strongest objections and work towards addressing those excesses. Lastly, I would not take him too seriously. Like many preachers, he engages in hyperbole in order to get people to stop and think. So don’t get baited but do stop and think.</span></p></span></span></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-18688240689693955102021-05-01T08:32:00.002-07:002021-05-01T10:12:24.537-07:00Asian Americans and Silence<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2kldS9QfmnE/YI1yw0kraKI/AAAAAAAAPes/1v8QM09kdDE41Fx8GulBRh9Bqj4ujH27gCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/jason-leung-fw6-_QokOyQ-unsplash.jpg" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; padding: 1em 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2kldS9QfmnE/YI1yw0kraKI/AAAAAAAAPes/1v8QM09kdDE41Fx8GulBRh9Bqj4ujH27gCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h426/jason-leung-fw6-_QokOyQ-unsplash.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@ninjason?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jason Leung</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/silence-is-compliance?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><span style="font-family: times;">If what one has to say is not better than silence, then one should keep silent. - Confucius<br /><br />When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. - Proverbs 10:19<br /><br />In this past year’s movement to promote racial and cultural awareness, it is a painful irony that we, as Asian Americans, are derided for one of the unique virtues we possess. <br /><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: times;">This post is a response to slogans like "silence is complicity", for allies to appreciate the underrated value of silence particularly in Asian culture, and an encouragement for Asian Americans to experience freedom from shame and guilt when we are silent.<br /><br />I want to argue that silence is a valid option in a culture that places great value on the frequency, volume, and pitch of emotional self-expression. In a world of shouting and noise, silence is crucial.<br /><br />I am deeply grateful for my Asian American brothers and sisters who have spoken up during this unique season where anti-Asian hate has garnered so much media attention. I'm especially grateful for the durative consistency by which these prophets have rebuked white evangelical culture over years and decades. They have given voice to anger, suffering, pain, and injustice.<br /><br />I am an educated, middle-aged, second-generation Chinese American, heterosexual male evangelical who grew up in an affluent suburb of Silicon Valley. I can't speak for all or most Asian Americans but I don't believe I am alone in what I perceive.<br /><br />I'm also aware of the irony of publishing a post on silence. You can say this post is an attempt to honor my parents and the legacy of my ancestors for the thousands of times they've bitten their tongue in favor of self-restraint and emotional control.<br /><br />The best metaphor to explain the intent of "silence is complicity" is one's reaction when a friend is bullied. One implicit understanding of friendship is to stand alongside a friend and speak out when he faces an external threat. During high school, I've often wondered what my friends would do if I was singled out for attack. Would they stand with me and fight or would they be silent and run?<br /><br />I find this metaphor helpful yet limited. Here are three limitations: abstraction, ignorance, and cost. First, the metaphor is deployed beyond the realm of interpersonal relationships towards racial groups. A racial group is abstract in ways that friendships are not. I'm friends with a black person, not black people. I barely know how to defend my friend Tim Hsu much less Asian Americans as a group. Second, ignorance means I'm not sure what my role is in any given bullying-type situation. Where physical danger and verbal abuse are usually easy to identify, I'm typically at a loss for what constitutes a threat in racial terms. It seems to require heightened awareness and vocabulary of terms such as micro-aggressions, gaslighting, and intersectionality. I didn't need books about physical harassment but I seem to need them to understand racial discrimination. Third, an ally stands publicly and privately alongside a friend at great cost to his own well-being. This is not an easy ask. I don't have many friends I would do this for and it's in my selfish nature to hesitate. Thus, one consideration for Asian Americans is our need to determine the cost of speaking up. And because we tend to value harmony, it often means paying a higher price than other ethnic groups.<br /><br />What does this mean for allies? Silence does not indicate apathy. Silence means non-reactiveness. Last year, I watched a panel of African American and Asian American church leaders talk about Black-Asian solidarity. One prominent black pastor who ministered in the bay area wondered why Asian American brothers and sisters in his congregation didn't speak up. He perceived them as uncaring. An Asian American pastor explained how she learned the value of silence from her parents. She asked him to recognize silence can mean many things.<br /><br />Silence is introspection and calm. Silence indicates emotional self-restraint. In a culture of hot takes, silence means a considered response rather than reactiveness. Silence is the distance between thought and speech. We prefer not to open our mouth in order to insert our foot.<br /><br />Silence on social media is not the same as silence in personal relationships. Silence on social media may indicate our distaste for performative empathy and virtue signaling.<br /><br />Silence can mean suspension of judgment. We may be thinking what you’re thinking but we’re not ready to vocalize it. Yet. We also may not know what to think. <br /><br />Silence is not permanent. Silence has a season; just as speaking does. We recognize it's time for many Asian Americans to break our silence. However, it's not our role to coerce others to speak in the same way that many have been coerced into silence.<br /><br />Silence can mean fear. Silence can be a prison where terror chains us and we're trapped in uncertainty and fear of loss. Silence can be an instinctive response to guilt and shame. These may not be socially acceptable emotions but they do indicate the complexities of silence.<br /><br />Lastly, silence can also signal inner turmoil. It can arise from a mixture of fear, confusion, anger, gratitude, compassion, hurt, guilt, and shame. These emotions are not easy to parse. Some may find value in voicing the contradictions inside of us. Others may process their inner chaos quietly; wanting to work out our internal contradictions on our own; away from the noise of the town square.<br /><br />Silence is a gift for others and ourselves that can be chosen wisely. We can receive the gift of our silence with gladness because it means harmony and restraint. In a noise-filled world, silence does not condemn us to guilt or shame.<br /><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">For allies: There will be seasons when we will break our silence. We hope you would exercise patience and compassion to wait for us and invite us to speak. And when we speak, turn our volume up a couple notches just as we turn yours down when you do.<br /><br />For my Asian American peers: I often wish my parents would be more vocal in their support of my family and me. I wish they would call more and initiate more contact. Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for their restraint in not giving unsolicited advice. My parents express their loyalty by making themselves available, financial generosity, acts of service, and lastly, by standing with me, often but not always, in silence. I'm learning to appreciate their steadfast and quiet presence as support and encouragement. We will experience bullying in this world and my hope is we do not diminish the value of quiet solidarity in suffering.</span>
</div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-16663661541987259202021-03-23T14:10:00.002-07:002021-03-23T14:12:12.773-07:00Unsolvable Problems in Marriage III: Changing the Climate<p><span style="font-family: times;"> </span><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zD07MUtgP-Q/YFoL3wqCqmI/AAAAAAAAPAE/4_GMMmpMX3w-8ttH5mdF88362gt81hCswCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/priscilla-du-preez-K8XYGbw4Ahg-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: times;"><img alt="cilladupreez?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Priscilla Du Preez</a> on <a href="/s/photos/chat?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a>" border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zD07MUtgP-Q/YFoL3wqCqmI/AAAAAAAAPAE/4_GMMmpMX3w-8ttH5mdF88362gt81hCswCLcBGAsYHQ/w320-h213/priscilla-du-preez-K8XYGbw4Ahg-unsplash.jpg" title="Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@priscilladupreez?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Priscilla Du Preez</a> on <a href="/s/photos/chat?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a>" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: times;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: start;">Photo by </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/@priscilladupreez?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="text-align: start;">Priscilla Du Preez</a><span style="text-align: start;"> on </span><a style="text-align: start;">Unsplash</a></span><span style="text-align: start;"></span></span></td></tr></tbody></table></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times;">This is the third part in a series on unsolvable problems in marriage. Here are links to <a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2020/12/unsolvable-problems-in-marriage-i.html">Part I</a> and <a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2021/02/unsolvable-problems-in-marriage-ii.html">Part II</a>. Part III addresses how to articulate one's needs when it comes to marital gridlock. John Gottman's <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B00N6PEQV0/">Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</a> defines marital gridlock as perpetual conflicts over personality and value differences.</span></div><p></p><div><span style="font-family: times;">We're bombarded by messages in our culture that communication solves relationship problems. But I suspect many of us, particularly men, ask ourselves: "What is the purpose of conversation? We talk a lot, it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes I wish we could just enjoy being with each other rather than airing our problems."</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">Questions shape how we see and experience the world. If one sees the primary goal of communication as solving problems, then talking can trigger fear, sadness, and anger when we don’t detect progress, our needs aren’t being met, and every conversation is a hamster wheel of frustration - spinning around the same topic and going nowhere fast.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">If however, we ask “How can I get to know my spouse and his/her needs better? How can I grow in articulating my needs to my spouse so he/she gets to know me?” If we enter into a conversation with curiosity rather than judgment, then we are more likely to find what we’re looking for rather than the binary of "Is this solving our problems or not?"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">The nature of unsolvable problems make it difficult if not impossible for couples to bare and support one another's needs. Because unsolvable problems are often impervious to direct intervention, the answer is to change the climate. Every interpersonal interaction has an emotional climate. If a police officer pulls you over on the highway and subsequently approaches you in your vehicle, the atmosphere will be charged with tension. Your response when you roll down your window will either ratchet up the tension or de-escalate it. Non-verbal cues like whether you're smiling and making eye contact alter the emotional climate. Similarly, a healthy marriage is expressed through an open and accepting environment. If we think about communication as climate change, the role of communication expands. It's not just about solving problems but cultivating beautiful landscapes to live out of. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><span data-markholder="true"></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">I want to introduce a communication framework that can create positive climate change. This is one of many ways to adjust the emotional atmosphere of an interaction. It's effective because it forces the speaker to parse his/her emotions and take ownership of them. One of the most important ways to calm the emotional atmosphere is to own one's contribution to an unstable climate. It requires humility, self-awareness, and brutal honesty about one's emotions and needs.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">This communication framework, based on Marshall Rosenberg's <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=sr_1_1?crid=35YJE4WYSL873&dchild=1&keywords=nonviolent+communication&qid=1616522289&s=digital-text&sprefix=non%2Cdigital-text%2C239&sr=1-1">Nonviolent Communication</a>, goes as follows:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">1) Describe a situation or event with precise and objective language </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">2) Express the accompanying emotion(s) </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">3) Articulate the underlying needs or values</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">4) Conclude with a clear request</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">It's easy to perceive fulfillment of the request as the most important part but it's not. We want the tangible outcome of someone doing what we tell them. However, the most important step is discussing emotions and needs because, again, the goal isn't to solve problems but to see a person's heart. A person's heart consists of her feelings and needs. Intimacy is mutual sharing of one another's emotions and needs.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">Let's walk through the framework with an example. A man may decide to make a grilled cheese sandwich and without solicitation, his wife comes over, turns on the stove, and takes out slices of bread. He thinks to himself "Does she think I can't make a grilled cheese?" He experiences indignation and says "I feel like you're suffocating me with your need to be helpful."</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">First, to say to someone "I feel like you're <fill in the blank>" We often use "I feel" as a way to qualify our perceptions. We use "I feel" to sound more objective and honest when it's anything but. The appropriate word after "I feel" is an actual emotion like angry, sad, lonely, guilty, ashamed, glad, afraid, and hurt.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">In addition, we often make statements like "You made me angry." On the contrary, no one can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your emotions. People's actions can trigger our emotions but we own the process of translating events into emotional content. If you read a Facebook post you disagree with, you don't HAVE to be triggered. You can simply keep scrolling. Or not log onto Facebook.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">Returning to the grilled cheese example, this man has unspoken needs that manifest themselves as a judgement on his wife's character. It's important for him to pause and exercise self-awareness and honesty about his needs. In the beginning, it it's impossible to do in the moment. The atmosphere is too emotionally charged to think clearly. He will need some time and space to calm down and reflect. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">As discussed in the previous post, we often judge and criticize our needs because we feel guilt and shame about them. Upon reflection, the man may realize his anger comes from childhood encounters when his father belittled him for not being able to do things on his own.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">Later at a calmer moment, he might disclose: "You remember yesterday when I wanted to make the grilled cheese on my own? I felt embarrassed and angry when you came to help. It took me back to the time I was 10 years old and helped my dad fix the bathroom faucet. I dropped the wrench on his foot, he called me useless, and never asked me to help him again. I need autonomy and to be viewed as competent. That's what was behind my ask."</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">This framework can be separated into pieces depending on the situation. For example, a need doesn't have to be verbalized in the heat of the moment. Rather than say "I need to make this grilled cheese without your help NOW", he might instead say "Honey, I love how helpful you are but can I have you help me another time?" </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">Needs are abstract. Requests are not. A clear request is concrete and specific. This distinction is important. He doesn't need to make a grilled cheese sandwich on his own. He would like to. The need is particularized in the want. And we can have our needs addressed by all manner of requests. We can discuss the particulars of the request but the needs aren’t negotiable, at least not in the same way. If his wife insists on helping him make the grilled cheese, the husband can have his needs met in other ways.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">For example, he might say, “Hon, I welcome your help with anything food prep-related but when it comes to fixing stuff around the house, that’s my territory.” I just threw out a bag of gender stereotypes but you get the idea. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">When climate change is the goal, aspects like humor, timing, and tone also play an important role. Certainly, the language I've presented is helpful but tone is a vital part of the emotional climate. Change your tone, change the atmosphere. In addition, repeated conversational turbulence often relates to environment choices. Poor timing is a climate choice. You can change the interpersonal environment by waiting for a better, calmer time when you both have energy and focus. Making light of a situation through jokes and sarcasm can also be helpful. Learning not to take ourselves too seriously de-escalates tension and changes the climate.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">You might object there's never a good time to share your emotions and needs because broaching certain topics generates an emotional storm in the other person, no matter what you do. In that case, you can have a conversation about the environment itself. One of the greatest lessons I gained from therapy was learning to talk about how Judy and I talk with each other. This means owning how I contribute to an emotionally-charged atmosphere and making sure that's acknowledged before moving onto my wife's contributions. I own my stuff first - no ifs, ands, or buts.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;">None of the things mentioned here guarantee climate change. This is about increasing the likelihood of transformation and not giving up hope. You are less than half of the marriage weather system. The system also contains external factors such as children, economic stress, etc. You can only control how you respond. If you're a husband who's reluctant to initiate climate change with your wife, you need to examine the reasons for your conflict-avoidant tendencies. There are emotions, needs, and likely adverse childhood experiences that undergird your fear of conflict. You're also not alone; the majority of men tend to avoid conflict. If you're a wife who's always initiating the conflict conversation, then you need to examine how you contribute to a turbulent emotional climate - especially to the extent that your husband avoids you or shuts down. There are emotions, needs, and likely adverse childhood experiences that lurk behind your storm of reactiveness. In the end, calm and sunny skies can result when we are willing to confront and sort through our inner turmoil.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-76056132070084251012021-02-18T12:29:00.007-08:002021-02-18T12:29:50.195-08:00Unsolvable Problems in Marriage II: Baring Needs<p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wP-qaL5yBBc/YC7Nf_y_ALI/AAAAAAAAO3Y/Ieu-wQ_MwHM1RKv6DOgbqOMH4VEd7jZRQCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/rainier-ridao-JI1m-rAVJWI-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wP-qaL5yBBc/YC7Nf_y_ALI/AAAAAAAAO3Y/Ieu-wQ_MwHM1RKv6DOgbqOMH4VEd7jZRQCLcBGAsYHQ/w320-h213/rainier-ridao-JI1m-rAVJWI-unsplash.jpg" title="<span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@rainierridao?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText">Rainier Ridao</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/hiding?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span>" width="320" /></a></div>The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. - Oscar Wilde<p></p><p><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. - Genesis 2:25</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-0f525993-7fff-1bf0-e424-8416a1638e2c"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">This is the second part of addressing unsolvable marriage conflicts. The first part is </span><a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2020/12/unsolvable-problems-in-marriage-i.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">here</span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">. In this post, I'll examine the importance of unearthing hidden needs when encountering marital gridlock. This approach is based on John Gottman's research and books, in particular, </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B00N6PEQV0/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work</span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Recently, Judy and I disagreed about what rules to govern kids’ time and access electronic devices. We have had this parenting argument often, spanning close to two decades. It goes like this: I’m too permissive and she’s too strict. Judy sees me as the appeaser - unwilling to sacrifice momentary discomfort in order to build our kids’ self-control and attention span. I see her as the rigid and cold disciplinarian - unwilling to allow our kids the freedom to learn boundaries on their own. This is a gridlocked issue for us. Our arguments often devolve into character attacks and can result in undermining the other’s attempts to enforce his/her own agenda.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Gottman recommends freeing marital gridlock by gently and gradually laying bare each person's hidden needs*. He defines gridlock as perpetual conflicts around fundamental aspects of personality and lifestyle. Baring needs is the couple's process of identifying, articulating, and supporting each other's needs.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Here's an example from Gottman’s Seven Principles: Kyle wants his wife, Nicole, to be more rational whereas she views emotion as the substance of life and sees him as hard to read and distant. Digging deeper into needs, Kyle grew up in a debating household in which a family member would be disqualified for losing emotional control. Nicole grew up in a household that valued responsiveness to everything and emotional expression is her love language. Uncovering hidden yearnings sounds like this: Kyle needs calm and rational interaction as a sign of respect whereas Nicole needs emotional expression to experience intimacy. Neither of these desires may ever be fully satisfied by the other person and yet there’s freedom, intimacy, and acceptance in the mutual unveiling.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The bottom line is we suck at owning our needs. We learn these survival tactics at an early age. These survival tactics are formed through one’s specific response to one’s family of origin and are often based on denial and deception. Throughout childhood and adolescence, I garnered attention through acting as the class clown/heckler, academic achievement, and sports. When I couldn't draw sufficient attention through those activities, I would become enraged. Anger disguised feelings of loneliness, shame, guilt, and fear. To avoid the pain of these emotions, I would turn to more compulsive behavior such as rage fantasies and porn. On one hand, I would pretend I didn’t need attention but when people didn’t respond the way I desired, I would resort to blame and anger. I couldn’t be honest about my need as the fear of rejection and shame was too strong. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">And thus every couple enters marriage as survival experts and master actors. We play our role pretending our spouse is meeting our needs but inside we suffer or find covert ways of filling the vacuum. For example, most husbands need occasional time away from their wives in order to feel close to them. I know a husband who makes elaborate excuses about having to leave home because he cannot bear the shame and guilt of being honest about his needs. This denial of need has manifested itself in resentment towards his wife. On the other end of the spectrum, I know a mother who is emotionally dependent on her children. When they feel OK, she feels OK. But when they fall apart, she falls apart. She has difficulty enforcing any boundaries because she’s afraid of how her kids will respond. She cannot distinguish between herself and her needs. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">These examples represent two distinct and unhealthy ways to lay bare one's needs: to immerse or ignore. Being immersed in one’s needs means becoming so consumed by them that we become a fireball of co-dependence. Infants are draining because we all enter into this world as bawling chasms of need. As we age, needy people figure out how to latch onto whomever will accept us and we find sophisticated ways to cry out and demand.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Like the husband above, Judy and I represent the second approach: ignoring and suppressing our needs. Judy and I hold our noses at those who reek of desperation. It’s because of people like us that the desperate learn to keep their desperation hidden. Judy and I were initially attracted to each other because of our non-neediness. When we dated long-distance, we prided ourselves on only talking 3-4 times a week by phone and having active social lives apart from each other. We didn't want to appear desperate. As dutiful and ambitious oldest children, we both learned non-neediness early on. Unfortunately, as illustrated earlier in my own life, our projection of non-neediness eventually manifests itself in anger, resentment, disappointment, and exhaustion. </span></div></span><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In regards to our parenting discipline gridlock, I’m angry because she sees me as a pushover who appeases our children. Anger often disguises other emotions. I’m angry because of the shame and guilt associated with being viewed as a pushover. Shame and guilt can distract us from identifying our needs. When I can hear Judy as offering me a gift of intimacy and encouragement, I can work towards identifying what’s underneath. This is what I’ve discovered: As a latch-key kid, I grew up with the freedom and autonomy to do whatever I wanted as long as I was home for dinner. Using the language of need, I would say I need freedom and I want that for our children. On the other hand, Judy's mom stayed home to raise her and her sisters and ran a tight ship. My wife needs structure and wants that for our children. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Underneath a gridlocked conflict, there is a need. This need goes beyond our requests regarding frequency of sex, time spent with in-laws, and change in spending habits. Our needs are more deeply rooted than this. We need things like autonomy, stability, justice. honor, healing, agency, forgiveness, order, accomplishment, and competition. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Laying bare one's needs means having the courage to express a need without demanding its fulfillment. It means opening ourselves up to rejection. Saying "I need" feels strange because it puts us in a position of inferiority. However, baring needs requires far more than better communication. It encompasses the entire relationship dynamic. Creating the supportive environment to reveal one’s needs requires compassion, commitment, loyalty, trust, forgiveness, and self-control. In the third and last part, I'll discuss why communication is important and how we can articulate our needs. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Gottman doesn't use the language of needs. Rather, he talks about dreams - in particular, the hidden dreams that fuel a conflict. The problem with the term "dream" is its potentially superficial focus. I can dream about going on a cruise, becoming a multimillionaire, or opening my own restaurant. The problem with dreams is they sound fanciful. I believe Gottman recognizes the limitations of his language. This helps explain why many of his examples don't sound like dreams because they aren't; they are needs.</span></p><br /></span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-24811167627750687712020-12-30T14:49:00.003-08:002020-12-30T15:05:08.782-08:00On the Death of Small Talk<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d2ptQdTfNGI/X-0E5PDOruI/AAAAAAAAOxs/U4PBWYuzk5cPyT2fmkX94GNtJME6b_ixwCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/sergi-brylev-zDUttoSFq6E-unsplash.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1155" data-original-width="2048" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d2ptQdTfNGI/X-0E5PDOruI/AAAAAAAAOxs/U4PBWYuzk5cPyT2fmkX94GNtJME6b_ixwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/sergi-brylev-zDUttoSFq6E-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I have much to be grateful for in the past year (job, family, and health), and yet I frequently counsel people not to minimize their disappointment by comparing themselves with others so I'm going to follow my own advice. I want to share a specific disappointment regarding planting Quicksilver Church this past year. <p></p><p>It is the death of small talk.</p><p>Small talk is what happens when you're standing in line at the grocery store or when you walk into a Starbucks and don't have to shout multiple times for your order to be understood through a mask. With COVID, small talk has been mostly choked out. I miss the time and space to discuss trivial topics such as clothing, sports, and weather. I miss observing elements of a shared environment - to gaze out on a majestic landscape, to take in the aroma of barbeque, and to pause together while a plane passes overhead (which seems to happen less and less frequently. </p><p>In my twenties, I would poo-poo small talk and take pride in my ability to ask deep and probing questions upon meeting someone. And then in my thirties, people in their twenties would do the same with me and I would think, "Whoa, I need some time to warm up. I don't know if you're safe yet.” Now in my forties, I place a higher value on small talk. </p><p>When I served at Garden City, it was a joke among the staff not to ask me to do anything on Sundays because the only thing I could stay focused on was talking to people. And since I wasn't usually teaching, I made it a point to greet as many newcomers as possible and connect with people on the periphery. Invariably this meant making small talk. Having these conversations about insignificant topics always led to significant details about a person's life or a subsequent meaningful conversation. In the days after, I might follow up with an email, phone call, or text. In other instances, a person might do the same with me. </p><p>Small talk within the Quicksilver community hasn't happened often in the past nine months. We had three in-person Sunday gatherings in November and they were both stressful and wondrous. One benefit of in-person gatherings is to be reminded of someone's face; to encounter someone you might not otherwise go out of your way to be around. After all, no one wants to jump on a Zoom call and make small talk. And small talk itself doesn't carry enough relational horsepower to overcome the weight of initiating a virtual call. And yet these seemingly insignificant conversations pave the way for weightier topics. They create time and space for life features to gradually emerge rather than forcing them to surface. </p><p>The result of this year's death of small talk is a disconnection from the people I'm called to shepherd. I know people are going through all kinds of pain and I feel powerless to intervene. I allow myself to feel disappointment and anger. I lower my expectations but I do not lose hope. </p><p>I am confident that small talk will be resurrected in the coming year. It may not look exactly the same as before. I want to mourn well the death of small talk so I can be better prepared for what God has in store for us. I know He is infinitely creative and knows and provides for our needs. I have hope in Christ that the church universal and Quicksilver as a local manifestation of His kingdom will find old and new ways to connect and live out the command to love one another.</p>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-10418642998479235452020-12-12T10:19:00.006-08:002021-02-06T22:19:19.516-08:00Unsolvable Problems in Marriage I: Lowering Expectations<p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-st4y5dvarmU/X9ULJzZc2RI/AAAAAAAAOvI/e9j6K1VEPxUPFUlY8qHjiEDJ8khEwGsrQCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Judy%2Band%2BFred.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1539" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-st4y5dvarmU/X9ULJzZc2RI/AAAAAAAAOvI/e9j6K1VEPxUPFUlY8qHjiEDJ8khEwGsrQCLcBGAsYHQ/w320-h240/Judy%2Band%2BFred.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">Different expectations of conflict</span></td></tr></tbody></table><p></p>From a recent Facebook post: Working on a post about unsolvable problems in marriage: For those who have been married five or more years, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much expectation did you have entering into marriage that communication could resolve any conflict between you and your spouse? How would you rate that expectation now?<br /><br />People often enter into marriage thinking that most if not all their conflicts can be resolved. <br /><br />Women come into marriage thinking "I can make my husband a better man".<br /><br />Men come into marriage thinking, "My wife will learn to see things my way".<br /><br />This idealistic view of marriage does not survive contact with the enemy. Even for couples for whom the first years of marriage are conflict-free, raising children is its own brand of unsolvable problem. And then there's sickness and mental health issues, job changes, unemployment, moving, and shifts in friendships. Conflict in marriage is inevitable.<div><br />A number of cultural factors shape our thinking around expectations of marital conflict. One factor is our culture's fixation with romance - "the Disney effect" - where love conquers all. A related myth is that communication - i.e. "talking things out"- will solve any and all problems.<br /><br />Evangelical culture often reinforces this. Marriage has social good and promoting an idealistic view of marriage benefits the church as an institution. But the result is newlyweds experience conflict, try to "talk it out", fail, and experience great disappointment. Not surprisingly, they may see marriage propaganda as an elaborate bait and switch.<br /><br />Enter John Gottman and his principle of unsolvable problems. I've long been influenced by his teachings on marriage, parenting, and emotional intelligence. I read his seminal text, <a href="https://www.blogger.com/#">The Marriage Clinic</a>, as a seminary student over fifteen years ago. Since then, I've applied his parenting principles from <a href="https://www.blogger.com/#">Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child</a> and now use <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B00N6PEQV0/">The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</a> as a premarital counseling text.<br /><br />Gottman defines unsolvable problems as perpetual conflicts around fundamental aspects of personality and lifestyle. They're connected to entrenched patterns of thinking and behavior. Discussions on these topics often devolve into character attacks. Gottman calls them unsolvable because these fundamental differences are never completely bridged.<br /><br />Examples include: differences in attachment, introversion vs. extraversion, attitudes towards risk, cleanliness, sex drive and need for physical intimacy/affection, communication style, and the list goes on.<br /><br />This is in contrast to solvable problems: those that can be dealt with practically. They're not entrenched in deep, long-standing conflict. For example, having a shared online calendar has pretty much eradicated all of the scheduling conflicts that Judy and I used to have. The exception is when I forget to update it, which is actually an example of an unsolvable problem - my forgetfulness. <br /><br />The fascinating thing is both happy and unhappy marriages can have an equal share of problems. Unhappy couples have both solvable and unsolvable problems and it's likely all of them feel unsolvable. That's what Gottman terms gridlock. On the other hand, happy couples have a high percentage of unsolvable problems because they've already addressed most if not all of the solvable ones. The problems that remain are unsolvable and they've learned to navigate around those differences. And in many happy marriages, the couples no longer see the persistent gap between them as a problem anymore though they're well aware of the differences and their history.<br /><br />I did an informal Facebook survey among friends to see how people would respond to the question at the top of this post. I figured most couples' answer to unrealistic hopes about marriage is to lower their expectations. I received thirty-six responses. Since participation was voluntary, I would guess about 70-80% of respondents have happy marriages. People in unhappy marriages are less likely to advertise their unhappiness. I picked five years of marriage because that seems to be enough time to exit the honeymoon/dopamine phase of romance and build some bad conflict patterns.<br /><br />And as I expected, many who had high expectations going into marriage had subsequently lowered their expectations after five or more years of marriage.<br /><br />That certainly rings true for me. Throughout my twenty-two years of marriage, I have lowered my expectations greatly about the role communication plays in resolving conflict. I no longer see conflict resolution as key to a successful marriage; at least not in the sense that I can change to please Judy or that Judy must change to please me. I don't believe the fact or quantity of communication itself resolves anything and even great communication doesn't alter the fabric of who we are.<br /><br />What did surprise me in my unscientific survey was how a significant number of respondents said they entered marriage at a "10" and they are also "10" today. Or had entered marriage with lower expectations and today rate their expectations a “10”. And it wasn't that their marriage has been smooth sailing and/or they've carried their same marital expectations without missing a beat. Most respondents explained the reasoning behind their high score today is very different from the understanding they had entering into marriage, even if the rating did not change. What this indicates to me is that simply lowering one's expectations is hardly the best way to address unsolvable problems.<br /><br />The couples with high present expectations indicated optimism is very much alive in their marriage today. Regarding marriage with hope seems to be vital for happy couples. And hope can appear in different forms. In regards to expectations, optimism is not the source of the problem nor is pessimism (or as pessimists like to say “realism”) the answer. <br /><br />The answer involves revisiting expectations, letting unrealistic ones die an unceremonious death, and discovering a better path forward. Though there will always be a looming mountain of unsolvable problems, I think it's possible to gradually chip away at unsolvable problems and make them solvable. Other couples may not carry that specific belief but rather delight in the enduring hope of what they’ve built together.<br /><br />I also believe lower present expectations do not indicate marital pessimism nor imply an unhappy marriage. That's because these respondents were trying to answer the question as precisely as possible in that they recognized the limits of communication and the inevitability of unsolvable problems. I was an 8 entering into marriage and I'm a 3 today and yet I have tremendous hope for our marriage.<br /><br />Therefore, lowering one's expectations is the starting point for navigating unsolvable marriage problems but it is not the end. Hope in one's marriage is an important quality and yet sober realism is crucial as well. How do you have both? And how does that help navigate unsolvable problems? In the next part, I will explore the role of dreams in addressing unsolvable problems and then in the third part, conclude with how and when communication is helpful.<br /></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-38503875233569252912020-09-29T11:12:00.002-07:002020-09-29T11:12:49.743-07:005 ways church over Zoom can be more meaningful than in-person<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sBbn-j7W4TE/X3N4FilkIRI/AAAAAAAAOlQ/hAetrLNfwlQiB1_C0CniCxXB8VV5PdFmQCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/srini-somanchi-V-ohwuGECwI-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1443" data-original-width="2048" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sBbn-j7W4TE/X3N4FilkIRI/AAAAAAAAOlQ/hAetrLNfwlQiB1_C0CniCxXB8VV5PdFmQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/srini-somanchi-V-ohwuGECwI-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">“We will lose something once we begin meeting in-person"</span><p></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-98ff6d82-7fff-9bd0-8b21-71bea144fcf1"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s what a friend at Quicksilver Church commented recently. Our church plant was birthed during a pandemic and has yet to hold an in-person worship service. We’ve met as a core team over Zoom every Sunday morning since the beginning of June. We do not pre-record or livestream. Our first worship service was held over Zoom earlier this month. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is not to argue that virtual church gatherings are superior. Part of me hates writing this post because I value being in-person so much. And yet COVID-19 has accelerated changes in how we engage (or disengage) in church gatherings. A virtual church gathering enables equity of access and greater opportunities for engagement. It can make a big room smaller in the following ways:</span></p><ol style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0;"><li dir="ltr" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The pastor and worship band are the same size as everyone else:</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> When you meet in-person, the pastor and worship team appear on a stage, elevated above everyone else. In a large church, you will view them on a big screen. They will be larger than life. Not so on Zoom. In a virtual meeting, it can be difficult to determine who is in charge and everyone gets the same screen real estate. As the number of our Zoom participants has increased, my share of the total screen area has decreased. I’m tempted to ask participants to turn on speaker mode during the sermon so I can appear bigger. It can also be distracting to watch everyone else’s faces while someone is speaking but there’s something equalizing about everyone being the same size.</span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No seating charts:</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> When you gather in-person, no one likes to sit alone. And one of the hardest things is finding a place next to someone you know. And if you’re new, you recognize the regulars have their favorite seats and you don’t want to cause trouble so you try to figure out where those are. Sometimes that’s near the front. Or off to the side. Or in the back row. Then there’s the guy manspreading so he takes up three chairs. There’s the woman whose handbags and other fashion accessories take up three chairs. And then are the groups or couples clumped together that can heighten one’s sense of isolation if you’re sitting alone. And then there are the people who sit at the ends of the rows and you have to inconvenience someone by asking them to move over or make room so you can get through. Let’s face it - we sit selfishly. Most of us sit thinking about ourselves and not others. But in an online meeting, this negative impact is mitigated because no one gets to have their favorite seat. And that’s a good thing when it comes to welcoming newcomers - where everyone is a little bit uncomfortable and discombobulated.</span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Circles versus rows:</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> In Larry Crabb’s introduction to his book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Safest-Place-Earth-Larry-Crabb/dp/0849914566/">The Safest Place on Earth</a>, he describes a scene in which he and his wife stroll down Miami Beach and marvel at the rows of retirees lounging in beach chairs all facing the same direction, sitting next to each other but not interacting. That’s what church is often like: rows of people, all facing the same direction, close yet distant to the person adjacent to you. However, in a virtual meeting, you sit in a circle (OK, grid) with everyone facing one another. We ask participants to turn on their cameras so we can see each others' faces. Everyone has the same view. There is no front or back row. It is exposing. It is scary. It raises the barrier of entry for newcomers. We also have an open sharing time during service. It always begins with awkward silence and yet sometimes hard questions and painful stories are divulged. In-person services have made it easier to be anonymous and yet people are hungrier more than ever to be seen.</span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Multiple ways to engage: </span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In addition to real-time audio and video, you can also chat. This will never replace the “amen”, “preach” and laughter of an in-person meeting, and yet the chat box makes it easier for introverted and less expressive personalities to interact. I remember during one person’s presentation at a weekday meeting, you could feel the excitement in the room because of the swell of excited messages in the public chat. It’s strange to use the term “room” when none of us occupied the same physical space and yet community can come in many forms.</span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyone can speak and be heard:</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> In a large physical meeting space, it’s often difficult to hear a person’s natural speaking voice. Without amplification, we ask quieter voices to shout. With amplification, we run a microphone to the person who wants to speak. It is clumsy. Worse yet, most people do not know how to speak into a microphone. They either try to eat it or hold it at arm's length as if it's going to explode. In a virtual meeting, anyone can speak with adequate volume at any time. Zoom bombing is a threat because of the egalitarian nature of a virtual meeting. That’s a feature not a bug. Our sharing times have been impressively meaningful given the number of people who don’t know each other. This could be a feature of the pandemic and the lack of in-person interaction. However, there’s something about the online format that makes it easier for people to speak up and share. </span></p></li></ol><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-top: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t know how feasible it is once we start meeting in-person to avoid sitting in rows. We’ll be constrained to the space we rent. I also know as a church grows in number, seating is a challenge. But two elements we hope to carry forward to our in-person gathering is figuring out how to sit in circles vs. rows and how to give people multiple ways to engage. One aspect of the pandemic is the radical reshuffling of how churches disseminate content and how congregants ingest it. Due to this dispersal effect, many pastors and church staff feel disempowered and disconnected from their people. And yet perhaps one encouraging trend for the pandemic-era church is the empowerment of all Christians to see one another and give each other food. </span></p><br /></span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-81004174446158905382020-09-12T22:04:00.004-07:002020-09-12T22:09:17.598-07:00When God Speaks<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uHNb4nx40Pc/X12opTJk9DI/AAAAAAAAOis/JWvbwJniChgdHRYqhE7AqM_aXl6E1PIfgCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/jasper-boer-1fUu0dratoM-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1339" data-original-width="2048" height="408" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uHNb4nx40Pc/X12opTJk9DI/AAAAAAAAOis/JWvbwJniChgdHRYqhE7AqM_aXl6E1PIfgCLcBGAsYHQ/w625-h408/jasper-boer-1fUu0dratoM-unsplash.jpg" width="625" /></a></div><br />When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Light</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Life begins</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Day and Night are named</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The name contains the end</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Evening then morning</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Sky separated and gathered waters Seas</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Hills and valleys; deserts and plains</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Trees, bushes, berries, and bananas</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Sun, moon, and stars</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Whales, eagles, and minnows</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Elephants, rats, and donkeys</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">He projects His likeness </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God speaks</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">He uses words</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God is silent</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">No evening or morning</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God stops</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> Holiness and blessing</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When God rests</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The seventh day celebrates</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear His voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the morning, when the sun bursts forth</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear his voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">At twilight, when the moon and stars emerge</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear his voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">On the wind whispering through the leaves </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear his voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the squeak of the dolphin and hoo of the owl</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear his voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">From the mouth of your brother and mother </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear his voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In words, audibly</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May you hear his voice</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In your heart</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And if you wonder if He has spoken</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Open your eyes and look around</span></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-33220430866805641002020-08-30T17:47:00.001-07:002020-08-30T17:47:50.927-07:0011 Reasons to Join a Church Plant during a Pandemic<!--?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?-->
<div><span style="font-family: arial;"><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4swqov-_DnM/X0xG8aBcZgI/AAAAAAAAOf8/pdM_FL49DfgMPnVULIGF7ort94ZsBQNLACLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Quicksilver%2BJune%2B2020%2BPicnic%2BCompressed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1185" data-original-width="2048" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4swqov-_DnM/X0xG8aBcZgI/AAAAAAAAOf8/pdM_FL49DfgMPnVULIGF7ort94ZsBQNLACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Quicksilver%2BJune%2B2020%2BPicnic%2BCompressed.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />I was very excited when I wrote <a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2020/02/top-10-reasons-not-to-join-church-plant.html">10 Reasons NOT to join a Church Plant</a> back in February. My goal was to counter the idealism associated with start-up culture. However, when shelter-in-place began, it took some time to surrender my expectations for Quicksilver Church. I dreamed about church life as sitting in a circle, sipping coffee, and having spirited dialogue about race, culture, and politics. Six months later, I’ve had some time to grieve, whine, get worked up in anxiety, experience decision fatigue, and cower in fear over the events going on in the bay area, country, and the world. In the initial phases of this season, I couldn’t think of many good reasons to join a church plant. But now I’m ready and though the negative emotions continue to linger, I am excited to share this. This list is not unique to church plants but it is specific to any church body’s willingness to die and live as a new creation.</div></span></div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you have both a holy discontent and persistent hope in the church as plan A for God's redemption of the world:</b> The healthiest people joining a church plant have experienced the brokenness of church life and yet staunchly believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to empower God’s people through the church. These people have a recognition of how flawed this human institution is and yet continues to believe God works in and through the local body of believers. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you see a pandemic as an invitation to reimagine what church looks like: </b>House church leaders have argued for years that the church is not a building, Sunday morning is not the only time to gather, and the priesthood belongs to all believers not just paid staff. The affluent Western church is crashing into this reality and the results are not pretty. Online services leave much to be desired. This is the time to decentralize the church. This is the season to activate and equip the priesthood of all believers like never before. We need creative ways to gather and proclaim the gospel. We need innovation in how we incarnate Jesus. Church plants are often fertile soil for kingdom creativity.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you believe crises are opportunities for God to do His greatest work:</b> The lightening complex fires in Northern California have been devastating. And yet I marvel at how bay area churches have stood in the gap, providing emergency supplies, sheltering evacuees, raising funds, and supporting firefighters. This response does not surprise me because that’s what God’s people do in times of crisis. The first-century church exploded because of persecution. Today, government persecution drives the growth of the underground church in China. Biblically and historically, prosperity withers the church whereas adversity grows it.
</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you recognize a new church’s capacity to address issues of mental and emotional health: </b>While ministering to men recovering from substance abuse in my previous Chinese church, I attended some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I was floored by the vulnerability of the sharing. It was raw, honest, and with little regard to people’s opinions of each other. There are few things more powerful for your mental health than to know you are not alone. As I sat in those meetings, I resolved as a pastor to foster the kind of atmosphere that would encourage this kind of sharing and to model it with others. That resolution continues through this day and vulnerability and courage is one of our <a href="https://www.quicksilver.church/vision-mission-values">church plant values</a>.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you’re willing to follow the Spirit and work as a team to address church problems:</b> If I had a dollar for every church complaint I’ve heard, I would be a wealthy man. Anyone in Christian leadership is well-acquainted with the problems churches have. As church leaders, we have oppressed and hurt people through abuse of power. We have fallen short of people’s expectations. We have made mistakes and been guilty of pride, complacency, and fear. We need fellow team members who have realistic expectations of us and give us grace. In a priesthood of all believers, we are each called to exhibit long-suffering towards one another. We can work together as a team, following the Spirit, to address church problems. We do so with hope and sober expectations.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you have a desire to bring the gospel to new groups of people:</b> If Helen of Troy had the face that launched 1000 ships, Tim Keller’s <a href="https://redeemercitytocity.com/articles-stories/why-plant-churches">Why Plant Churches</a> is the article that launched 1000 churches. Published in 2002, Keller writes: "In summary, vigorous church planting is one of the best ways to renew the body of Christ in a city, as well as the best single way to grow the whole body of Christ in a city.” This is the basic premise of church planting: reach unreached groups of people with the gospel.
</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you want to raise up leaders of color:</b> I’ve been encouraged to witness many Korean American leaders rise to prominent evangelical leadership roles in the past year. Pastoral ministry has a high status within the Korean American church. That’s less true among other Asian ethnic churches. In the Bay Area Chinese church, our best and brightest become doctors, engineers, and lawyers. Vocational ministry does not crack the top 20 of coveted professions. We need more pipelines to raise up leaders of color for multi-ethnic churches. Leadership pipelines have always existed for ethnic leaders in ethnic-specific contexts. However, we are at a tipping point where mainstream evangelical culture needs leadership from different ethnic perspectives. Multi-ethnic church plants led by leaders of color have the potential to become these wider pipelines. Shout-out to two brothers in San Jose leading multi-ethnic plants only a couple years old - Daniel Atondo at <a href="https://eden.church/">Eden Church</a> and Ali Roohi at <a href="https://www.centerset.church/">Centerset Church</a> as well as my East Bay friends: Philip Muela at <a href="https://www.inspirechurches.com/">Inspire Churches</a>, Leedah Wong at <a href="https://www.restore22.church/">Restore 22</a>, and Brian Hui at <a href="http://lscceastbay.org/">Living Stones East Bay</a> (re-plant).
</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If your gifts are not being fully utilized where you are:</b> If you’ve worked with your church leaders to fully utilize your gifts and yet have a growing sense there’s a greater context to use them, then perhaps a church plant is for you. This is not an easy distinction to make and vital to involve your church leaders in the conversation. Lastly, this cannot be the sole reason to join a church plant.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you embrace the daily surrender of plans as an exercise in growing intimacy with Jesus:</b> Life is messy. Church life is no different. And COVID-19 has shredded plans on the daily. Spend time laying a detailed plan for in-person gathering and two days later, the county/state/country issues new directives. I wonder if this resembles how the first-century church operated. None of the early believers knew what was coming next. Fortunately, church plants don’t pivot because there’s nothing for us to pivot from. We are birthed out of uncertainty. Ambiguity is our friend. Perhaps this is what God intended for His people - to operate in faith when everything in sight is obscured.
</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you see a vibrant faith community as an antidote to our individualistic and consumerist culture: </b>COVID-19 has exposed how much we need in-person community. An unchurched friend asked me the other day regarding our church service, “What’s with the singing?” I tried to explain to him the mystical and transcendent experience of singing meaningful words alongside others doing the same. It’s an acquired taste but once you get there, there's a satisfaction that few other experiences rival.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If you understand God doesn’t need you and yet audaciously chooses you to birth something new:</b> Recently, two people emphasized to me that everyone who joins a church plant is a church planter. Despite what we may claim, pastors don’t plant churches alone. In this season where so many believers are gathering in their own homes and backyards, in a real sense, every Christian is now a church planter. And every kind of church - ethnic, house, mainstream, plant, aging, or mega - needs church planters who are willing to step out in faith and minister in new ways. Will you join us? </span></li></ol>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-14382800160094484202020-08-01T12:21:00.026-07:002020-08-01T12:26:28.606-07:00White Fragility and the Birdcage<span id="docs-internal-guid-93979ac0-7fff-8a51-cbe1-cc9a17dd6890"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EmAerG6UEXQ/XyXA4b7EQiI/AAAAAAAAObc/IO6ej2K6XuAxQN2R-8fb5nGkIXkH-_uPACLcBGAsYHQ/s960/Asians%2Bfor%2BBlack%2BLives%2Bby%2BJada%2BWong.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image courtesy of Jada Wong" border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="636" height="250" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EmAerG6UEXQ/XyXA4b7EQiI/AAAAAAAAObc/IO6ej2K6XuAxQN2R-8fb5nGkIXkH-_uPACLcBGAsYHQ/w165-h250/Asians%2Bfor%2BBlack%2BLives%2Bby%2BJada%2BWong.jpg" width="165" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><font size="1">Image courtesy of Jada Wong</font><br /></td></tr></tbody></table>[1546 words]</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a racist. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At least that’s what I thought for years. I have long carried in me prejudice against black people. And not only black people but also bias against Latinx, white people, and Asians as well.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A couple years ago, I discovered my definition of racism is outdated. Robin DiAngelo’s <a href="https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414/">White Fragility</a> confirms this. I am longer considered a racist. As a person of color, I can only have prejudice because my racial group is not in power. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">DiAngelo is a professor and diversity trainer. Her book points out a phenomenon she’s experienced hundreds of times during her seminars. The phenomenon consists of encounters with white people who exhibit a strong defensiveness and refusal to talk about race and racism. She uncovers deep-seated insecurity about addressing unconscious forces of socialization that have deluded white people into thinking racism and white supremacy no longer exist. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of the many things that make racism difficult to talk about is language and definitions. White Fragility’s intended audience is white progressives. DiAngelo defines white progressives as white people who think they aren’t racist, are less racist, or already “get it”. I can think of many who fit that category but are not politically liberal. Despite not being the primary audience for this book, due to its popularity, I wanted to examine its claims. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Reading it, I found myself reacting defensively to her argument, which might indicate I also suffer from white fragility. To address this insecurity, DiAngelo calls on white people to critically examine ideologies undergirding Western culture and how they have systematically oppressed people of color. One example is the different names black and white people choose and how employers discriminate based on how black a name sounds. Another is the number of influences we’re exposed to growing up in popular media and experts who are white men. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t have a problem with the nature of these arguments. I have encountered the kind of defensiveness DiAngelo writes about. I know a considerable portion of my self-hatred comes from my socialization experiences. Many people are unaware of the forces of socialization but growing up as the child of Chinese immigrants, I didn’t need to take a class or read a book to understand this. As a teenager, I may not have been able to explain socialization but I could identify the experience. Growing up I recall ridicule over the seafood I brought for lunch, labels of “chink”, the area where I sat for lunch with my Asian friends referred to as “The Great Wall”, and fake Chinese talk. In my travels to different parts of the country and abroad, people have been skeptical of my citizenship because I don’t look like an American.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With further reflection in adulthood, I also recognize I didn’t grow up with positive role male models of Asian American masculinity. I was so excited when martial arts star Jet Li was cast opposite Aaliyah in the 2000 movie Romeo Must Die. But Li, the hero, never kisses her. I’m also aware of American culture's emphasis on direct communication and resolution to conflict, individual opinion and thought, and of course Christian Lander's mid-2000s Stuff White People Like (ex. TED talks and camping). Any dominant culture exercises power to sustain and grow its infIuence. This is where ethnocentrism, racism, and prejudice all get jumbled for me. It’s difficult to parse the -isms like racism, elitism, tribalism, favoritism, etc. Suffice to say, I understand racism is not just about individual acts and intentions.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the second chapter of White Fragility, DiAngelo, like an Old Testament prophet, reinforces this understanding through the metaphor of birdcage to illustrate racism’s systemic nature. When one gets up close to the birdcage, the bars of the cage seem to disappear. Turning one’s head gives a view of a single wire. It’s only when one steps far back to survey the entire birdcage that the network of crisscrossed wires is revealed. Racism is the bundle of these systematically related barriers, which are extremely difficult to perceive to the untrained eye.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Racism as power dynamics:</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It is vitally important to agree on the terms. Wikipedia defines</span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racism" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">racism</span></a><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> as "the belief that groups of humans possess different behavioral traits corresponding to physical appearance and can be divided based on the superiority of one race over another.” DiAngelo offers a different definition and it is the foundation of the book’s premise. DiAngelo’s goal is to alert the reader of the pervasive influence of power dynamics. “Racism differs from individual racial prejudice and racial discrimination in the historical accumulation and ongoing use of institutional power and authority to support the prejudice and systematically enforce discriminatory behaviors with far-reaching effects.” pg. 20. In the same chapter, DiAngelo argues that only white people can be racist since whites have the collective social and institutional power and privilege over people of color. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Centrality of Power:</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> In DiAngelo’s framework, power is central. Power is the main thing and the only thing. History must be studied through the lens of power. DiAngelo is bringing awareness of the flaws in our purportedly meritocratic society and this is an important endeavor but her definition of racism is too narrow. Focusing exclusively on power does not leave much room for other dimensions. It also encourages an immunity of the oppressed where people of color, by virtue of their skin tone, are exempted from the same moral code white people should be governed by. Because the oppressed have less power, they should be governed by fewer rules and those with more power should be governed by more. This is an understandable counter-reaction to a culture where black people have been governed by more rules and white people by less.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here’s another example: With regard to racism, only impact matters. Intentions mean nothing. Impact is often measured by the emotional impact that spoken words have on a person of color. There’s a fascinating chapter called White Woman’s Tears. It’s about how white women use crying as an instrument of power to shift the focus to their emotional state rather than the uncomfortable topic of their racist behavior. DiAngelo states emotions are not “natural” but socially conditioned. I agree completely but this cuts both ways. DiAngelo is highlighting how white women’s tears occupy center stage and block out black pain. I understand the power dynamic but everyone, regardless of race, is responsible for examining how social conditioning undergirds their emotional life. As Jonathan Haidt has written, emotions are not truth.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Complexity of Power:</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I would also argue for a more complex understanding of power. Power is heavily contextual. In Silicon Valley, Asians wield considerable institutional power and authority to support prejudice. I’ve heard of a majority Asian school where a black student experienced ridicule because of her hair. If I walk into any bay area REI store wearing my Patagonia fleece vest, I can expect fantastic treatment because I look like a software engineer. I understand Asians face discrimination and yet we also benefit from it. DiAngelo even acknowledges how close Asians are to white people in whiteness.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Power of Listening:</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> My favorite chapter is the last one. DiAngelo models self-awareness, vulnerability, and courage in retelling an unfortunate statement she made to a black co-worker and the conversations that followed. She talks about having a transformed paradigm that comes from being in a secure place. When one is confronted with a racist behavior, a person with a transformed paradigm can experience gratitude, excitement, interest, humility, and compassion alongside guilt and discomfort. This can lead to actions like reflection, apology, listening, engaging, and believing. This is the most actionable part of the book.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In closing DiAngelo addresses the different approaches to antiracist work and claims there is no such thing as a positive white identity because "white people do not exist outside of white supremacy” (pg. 148). She calls on white people to become “less white”. DiAngelo’s greatest hope lies in becoming less of an oppressor. This is the secure place white people can aspire to with their transformed paradigm. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am conflicted about this book and I’m still processing it. On one hand, I receive DiAngelo as a prophet. She rebukes white America for our collective sin. She paints with evocative images. She names our country’s defensiveness around racism. Naming has power. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And yet DiAngelo also sounds like a legalist (or a <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/07/dehumanizing-condescension-white-fragility/614146/">misguided pastor</a>). Christians detest a pernicious abuse of faith that reduces a relationship with God to a set of rules governing behavior. She spends far more words instructing white people precisely what not to do than how to think critically. Don’t say “I know people of color” or “I marched in the sixties” or “I said one little innocent thing” and so forth (chapter 9). Her point is to stop justifying one’s self and learn to listen with humility. Listening is crucial because it is ultimately a surrender of power. It rings truer than anything else in the book because the only way out of a struggle for power is to relinquish it. Everything else in her text is about equalizing power or compensating against its abuse. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Power is an important lens with which to examine our culture. Unfortunately, many of her coercive recommendations strike me as ironic since mankind does not have a good track record of wielding power well. When one’s world is missing worms, trees, grass, and sunshine, there are only oppressors and the oppressed, only captors and captives, only birds and birdcages. We need a power external to ourselves to arbitrate. </span></p><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-79644203094078317662020-05-28T12:04:00.001-07:002020-05-28T12:04:47.407-07:00Repentance as Tension<div><font face="times" size="4"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hrUoWfXz80Q/XtAK1i9ILcI/AAAAAAAANNM/6cde9RP7PeUcsFsxa3eT709ya8hONIkigCK4BGAsYHg/leonard-von-bibra-MCc1eDinFcI-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5087" data-original-width="3391" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hrUoWfXz80Q/XtAK1i9ILcI/AAAAAAAANNM/6cde9RP7PeUcsFsxa3eT709ya8hONIkigCK4BGAsYHg/s320/leonard-von-bibra-MCc1eDinFcI-unsplash.jpg" /></a></div>This is an occasional series on repentance. Part 1 is <a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2020/04/reconciling-repentance-with-grace-and.html">here</a>. In these conversations I’ve had about repentance, the word tension has been mentioned. Tension means fear. Tension means conflict. Tension means uncertainty. It is the liminal space between what should happen and what will really happen. </font></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4">In conservative evangelical circles, I’ve noticed we are quick to build and eliminate tension. N. T. Wright wrote a <a href="https://time.com/5808495/coronavirus-christianity/">Time Magazine piece</a> explaining the role of Christianity isn’t to eliminate tension but rather embrace it head-on. Coming to terms with tension is where Christianity shines. Not because Christianity offers answers but because COVID-19 has introduced all kinds of tensions in our lives and our instinct as evangelical Christians is to eliminate it as quickly as possible. I’ve noticed sermons (including and especially my own) build tension at the beginning and then work hard to completely resolve the tension by the end of the message. We know Jesus is the answer but is it really desirable to completely resolve the tension? Do we have to do that every week? I think I’ve been taught this not so much by preachers but by Hollywood - where most popular American movies work hard to resolve all plot twists and eradicate any and all tension by the closing credits. </font></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;">And doesn’t that reflect in the way we live as well? Let’s face it - waiting is a tension. We don’t want to wait for our food (unless it’s a badge of status, as it is in foodie culture). We don’t wait for our merchandise (Amazon Prime). We don’t want to wait for our romantic relationships and sex (gamification of dating through apps). Our culture is built around instant gratification, autonomy, and personal fulfillment. </span></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4">We expect tension to be quickly eradicated via medication, technology, or avoidance. That’s why this time of shelter-in-place is so profoundly painful because technology has allowed us to progressively minimize tension with each iPhone upgrade. We expect to wait less and experience zero discomfort or inconvenience. </font></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><b>Acts 5:1-11</b> But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, 2 and with his wife's knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles' feet. 3 But Peter said, Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back for yourself part of the proceeds of the land? 4 While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not at your disposal? Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God. 5 When Ananias heard these words, he fell down and breathed his last. And great fear came upon all who heard of it. 6 The young men rose and wrapped him up and carried him out and buried him. 7 After an interval of about three hours his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 And Peter said to her, Tell me whether you sold the land for so much. And she said, Yes, for so much. 9 But Peter said to her, How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Behold, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out. 10 Immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. When the young men came in they found her dead, and they carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11 <i>And great fear came upon the whole church and upon all who heard of these things. (emphasis mine)</i></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><i><br /></i></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4">The Old Testament is undoubtedly full of uncertainty and fear. Many Christians struggle with the Old Testament because of then tensions violence, tribalism, abuse of women, slavery, and human sacrifice. This stuff is disturbing and they are gaps between how things ought to be and how things are. And yet, even in the New Testament, there is tremendous tension. Pastors love to point to Acts 2:42-47 as the happy, growing commune of Jesus lovers. But this thing with Ananias and Sapphire is crazy. The first-century church, amidst incredible revival, increasing numbers, and miraculous signs of the Spirit, experienced great fear, the worst form of tension. It’s not clear how quickly this tension dissipated or that it ever did in the early church’s life. All we know is, amidst these supernatural works of God, there was tension. This indicates the Christian life is inherently fraught with tension. It means even in the best of times, the greatest periods of spiritual revival and resurgence, tension is not merely coincidental or even an obstacle to God’s work but integral to the work and movement of God. Tension is not the absence of God’s power but its presence. Tension is not God’s hatred but rather an aspect of His enduring love for a broken world. Tension is the way God gets our attention. </font></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4">Therefore, tension produces repentance. It is a prerequisite of repentance. Without tension, repentance is unnecessary. Tension is the gap between who God designed us to be and the brokenness of the world as it stands today. Repentance is the intended outcome of tension.</font></div><div><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font></div><div><font face="times" size="4">We have an instinct to rapidly reduce or eliminate tension. Would we be slow to eliminate it? Would those who, like me, have been given much evidence willingness to sit in tension and lament with those whose daily lives are immersed in it? Would we be thoughtful and reflective about the nature of tension and what it reveals about us? </font></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;">Would we recognize that the Jews, the chosen people of God, lived in tension hundreds of years waiting for the promised one? Would we recognize that those living in third world countries - that the global poor in this country and others - are accustomed to living in tension? Would we recognize that people of color, women, and children also live in a constant state of tension - the looming space between the world that ought to be and the world that is? </span></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;">We believe falsely that when God introduces tension in our lives that is a sign of His judgment. But this is the way God teaches his children because tension is part of the parenting process. How else are we to understand how God the Father raised Israel by making them wait centuries for the Messiah? And even upon his arrival, the Jews continue to wait in tension for the restoration of the kingdom to Israel.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;">Would I as a pastor not be afraid to let tension linger, even at the end of the message, even after I have proclaimed the glory of Christ’s death and resurrection? For the yawning chasm between what is and what should be has yet to be fully merged through the Son of Man’s return. For even the bridge connecting God with man today is suspended by the tension of the cross.</span></div>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-86102304775478500312020-05-13T11:25:00.003-07:002020-05-13T11:25:54.161-07:00What are dating milestones?<font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7G12bLe9aDQ/Xrwmy8cr2-I/AAAAAAAANKc/cRsY0JhveK8kt_97uFKE2E__XfdhXLrdwCK4BGAsYHg/stephen-walker-iSGfTiUddb0-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><font face="times" size="4"><img border="0" data-original-height="2768" data-original-width="4000" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7G12bLe9aDQ/Xrwmy8cr2-I/AAAAAAAANKc/cRsY0JhveK8kt_97uFKE2E__XfdhXLrdwCK4BGAsYHg/s320/stephen-walker-iSGfTiUddb0-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></font></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">A single friend in his early 20s asked for examples of dating milestones based on the previous <a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2020/04/a-mans-review-of-how-to-avoid-falling.html" target="_blank">post</a>. He understood what not to do much better than he understood what to do. As often is the case for ambiguous topics, it’s often easier to define the negative rather than prescribe the positive. And in giving prescriptions, there’s a backlash because not all <fill in the blank> are like that, there’s individual personalities and background, and then there’s situational context. Given all this, I will still attempt to bring clarity to dating milestones. </font></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Possible dating milestones:</span><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Here is a list of dating milestones that I recall in sequence for how my relationship with my wife progressed. We met in college through the ministry of a campus Christian group, now known as Cru. College is such a great place to meet people: similar intelligence and work ethic, often similar backgrounds, shared interests, lots of free time, and no adult supervision or responsibilities. The following milestones could also apply to someone you meet in-person, starting out as friends:</span></div><span id="docs-internal-guid-951b3d8a-7fff-175a-6526-340e762e48a1"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font face="times" size="4"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></font></p><ol style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated in-person interaction in group settings</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Serve, live or work together - see each other in a stressful context or over time</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated 1:1 in-person conversation (text and messaging counts too)</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Mutual self-disclosure of family background and other personal sharing</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">First Define-the-Relationship (DTR) conversation with shared expression of interest</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Meeting parents & other family members </font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">DTR convo about going public (“Facebook official”) and relationship goals</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">First fight</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Spend extended time with friends & family (multiple meals or taking a trip together)</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated discussions about marriage</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Ask dad for blessing on marriage</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Propose!</font></span></p></li></ol><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the above, the 1st step took two years. Steps #2-4 took a year when we lived in the same dorm. #5-9 spanned 3-4 months. And then #10-12 took about a year. From first meeting to engagement was just under 4.5 years but over three years was the friendship phase.</span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Meeting through a dating app</font></span></p><ol style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated messaging through app/text</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">First in-person meeting</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated 1:1 in-person conversation (text and messaging counts too)</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Mutual self-disclosure of family background and other personal sharing</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">First Define-the-Relationship (DTR) conversation with shared expression of interest</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated in-person interaction in group settings (meeting each other’s friends)</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">DTR convo about going public (“Facebook official”) and relationship goals</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Meeting parents & family</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">First fight</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Spend extended time with friends & family (multiple meals or taking a trip together)</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Repeated discussions about marriage</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Ask dad for blessing on marriage</font></span></p></li><li dir="ltr" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; list-style-type: decimal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Propose!</font></span></p></li></ol><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">The challenge of meeting through a dating app is steps #1-5 can happen rapidly, in less than a month. And that makes the transition to steps #6-8 very challenging. It’s a chicken and egg problem. It’s difficult to facilitate group activities without some combination of shared values, ease of logistics (same circles/proximity), mutual friends, or shared interests.</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">What are significant friendship milestones? </font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">It’s important to consider that many dating milestones are common to all types of relationships. What’s challenging is many of us are just bad at friendship in general. I’m guessing many of my peers have trouble making friends in our forties. We have our inner circle (or friends who have been part of our inner circle). And that circle hasn’t really changed for years, sometimes decades. It’s especially true for married men with children. Once we have children, there’s social pressure to cut off your male friends in favor of being an involved and evolved dad who attends all their kids’ sporting events, graduation, etc.</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">First, it’s knowing someone in a group context. And the next milestone is knowing them in a different context. For instance, I met Kyle (name changed for privacy) through a CrossFit class I attended twice a week. I’m terrible at CrossFit and I would avoid working out by asking questions and mingling with other people in the class. That’s how I got to know Kyle and we were some of the few people who would stick around after class to chat. That’s how our context shifted. He started to share about more personal aspects of his life and we went out for dinner and drinks one night. That’s a second context shift. Later, this friend joined a Bible study with me and some other guys from my church. That’s a third shift. It’s important that these shifts are not solely biased towards one person’s context. It’s not just the other person moving into your territory but also your willingness to enter into theirs. It’s mutual, gradual, and reciprocal.</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Milestones for the 5 Aspects of Knowing a Mate: Compatibility, Relationship Skills, Family Background, Relationship Patterns, Character & Conscience</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font face="times" size="4"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Compatibility:</span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> What do you like about this person? The longer the list, the more you know the person. It’s a milestone if you can rattle off 3-4 specific qualities (with an accompanying story of seeing the quality in action) without having to think much about it. What shared values do you have? Again, you should be able to rattle 3-4 values that are really important to you that you both share. If you can’t, then you need to talk it over with a friend. And then of course: What do you not like about this person? OR What bothers you? If you can’t think of anything, you’re deceived. If you can name a number of things specifically with supporting evidence and you don’t cringe, you’re likely in good shape. </span></font></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Another simple milestone for chemistry is after five conversations, you leave each other with a persistent sense that you want to keep the conversation going. </font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font face="times" size="4"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Relationship Skills:</span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> One significant milestone is making your dating relationship public. There are stages to this but I advocate advancing through them quicker and sooner rather than later. </span></font></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">I don’t fully understand why dating couples keep their relationship private. This seems to be the case in many Asian churches where couples fear shame and judgment, especially if things don’t work out. I think it also means they don’t want to have to answer questions about their relationship and be joked or gossiped about. </font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">One challenge is if a dating relationship is made public too soon, there’s social pressure to make it serious. Well-intentioned questions from peers can trigger anxiety. This is especially true in church settings - where it’s everyone’s business to be in your business. </font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">However, I’m not a private person and value honesty and openness. Therefore, I consider it a yellow flag if someone is not forthcoming about their relationship status (see example below). I tend to see social pressure as helpful. I welcome people’s questions and I recognize most people are just trying to make conversation when they ask about who you’re romantically involved with. More importantly, I have trusted mentors whose counsel I weigh heavily. The rest I try to brush off and not to take too seriously. I also recognize it’s easy to get “in your head” and obsess about a dating relationship. Keeping things open with others helps me get out of my head.</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Another time-tested, socially accepted milestone is your first fight. How you argue and navigate conflict is an important indicator of relationship skills. Who started the argument? How did it end? Who apologized first? Fights are really important. Disagreement and conflict are crucibles of character and invitations to intimacy. You need to fight well.</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Many relationship skills are easy to assess even at the beginning of a relationship. Who does most of the talking? How good of a listener is she? How much does she open up personally? </font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font face="times" size="4"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Family Background:</span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Meeting your significant other’s parents is a time-tested, socially accepted dating milestone. I remember my first time meeting Judy’s parents at her college graduation. That was fun. I could observe the family dynamic. Observing the sibling dynamic is also important. Estranged parent relationships are tough. In these cases, I recommend asking questions about how they navigate those relationships today. You can learn about a person by listening to them talk about their parents and what they say (or don’t say). </span></font></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font face="times" size="4"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Relationship Patterns:</span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> This is the “Let’s talk about our past relationships” series of conversations. This doesn’t happen out the gate but the milestone is when you observe how the person’s past relationship patterns affect your current relationship. There’s an a-ha moment that comes when you understand what a person was talking about. She had kept her last relationship secret from many people. That’s not a good sign. I could tell Judy broke through negative patterns when she talked about me to her friends.</span></font></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font face="times" size="4"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Character & Conscience: </span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s possible to fast-track the other areas but this one takes the most time. You need to observe the other person in a difficult situation. Before we started dating, I watched Judy go through a break-up and handle some leadership transition during college. I also knew her friends who spoke highly of her character. This is likely the most challenging aspect to observe in an online dating context. You do this by getting to know a person’s friends. One great way character & conscience is through spending extended time together OR navigating a stressful situation. </span></font></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">One big milestone is to become acquaintances (on good terms) with at least one of her friends. If that doesn’t happen, it’s not a good sign for the long-term. If you get married, you’re likely going to spend time together with her friends. The same thing applies to you - it’s great when your girlfriend gets along with your friends. </font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Shared Meaning in Milestones</font></span></p><font face="times" size="4"><br /></font><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font face="times" size="4">Milestones are culturally specific. What makes them meaningful is specific to a set of cultural values. Unfortunately, today’s dating/non-dating environment fights structure and the shared meaning defined structure entails. The price of autonomy and personal fulfillment requires meaning to be negotiated. For example, living together before marriage is extremely common and seen by many as a significant dating milestone. However, one partner (typically the woman) may see cohabitation as an indicator of their partner’s increased commitment and a movement towards marriage. However, the other partner (typically the man) may see cohabitation as a way to reduce rent and have easier access to sex. For one person, introducing a significant other to their parents may be a tremendous milestone. For another, it may be almost meaningless. Therefore, in this dating wilderness, it’s important for a couple to discuss which milestones are significant and the shared meaning in them. </font></span></p><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-43338107844421194952020-04-24T14:19:00.000-07:002020-04-24T14:29:55.887-07:00The Narcissism of Video Calls<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-F16YzpAECs8/XqNVEDdnnpI/AAAAAAAANG0/t5aT-29Ks1Qnlmq4ZnJ5zKkLdCUXh67aACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Serious%2BFred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1080" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-F16YzpAECs8/XqNVEDdnnpI/AAAAAAAANG0/t5aT-29Ks1Qnlmq4ZnJ5zKkLdCUXh67aACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Serious%2BFred.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I find myself staring at my own image when I’m on video calls. I’m mesmerized by my own reflection. I don’t have that opportunity to look at myself when I’m face-to-face with another person but now I can see exactly how my face reacts to other people and what I look like when someone else is talking and when I’m talking. Here are some thoughts running through my head as I gaze at my own visage</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Is that what I look like?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Is it that obvious that I’m bored or distracted?</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iEwQhRzjxYc/XqNV4pPqvII/AAAAAAAANHM/ZAO3N1toxJQFcSGH7DFuSsupG2PPY5eDACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Bored%2BFred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1080" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iEwQhRzjxYc/XqNV4pPqvII/AAAAAAAANHM/ZAO3N1toxJQFcSGH7DFuSsupG2PPY5eDACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Bored%2BFred.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">How come my facial expressions are so difficult to read?<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">How come they’re so easy to read at other points? </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Why do I look so serious?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Is anyone else distracted by watching looking at their own image?</span><br />
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Can I make eye contact with the camera and see what I look like at the same time?</div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kGMD7jYef3w/XqNVkfb_k4I/AAAAAAAANHA/e0nDQxdARL8PWSrnoRsQBpMLGWZN21MHQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Hands%2Bon%2BHair%2BFred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1080" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kGMD7jYef3w/XqNVkfb_k4I/AAAAAAAANHA/e0nDQxdARL8PWSrnoRsQBpMLGWZN21MHQCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Hands%2Bon%2BHair%2BFred.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Do I really touch my hair that much? Can I get coronavirus from touching my hair?</span></div>
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How do I find the best lighting and device positioning to accentuate my facial structure? </div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The worst is when there’s an echo and I’m subjected to hearing my voice as well as seeing my face at the same time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">How can I make it appear that I’m looking at the person but really be doing something else? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Is that what I look like when I'm angry? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">At various times, I’m impressed by how I look. At other times, I feel some dismay at my appearance. This could all happen within the same call and likely a reflection of my emotional state.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Why can’t I stop touching my face?</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Is that what my voice sounds like? How come its so tinny?<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The good part:</b> I didn’t realize how serious my face looks much of the time. When I gaze at myself, I start feeling intimidated. On one call with an acquaintance, he pointed out that my demeanor completely changes when I smile. I had some awareness of that but it was brought to the forefront because I could tell exactly what he was talking about. Another positive aspect is you can tell if the other person can see you. I’ve had calls with my parents where neither of their faces was in the camera view and all they had to do was check their own image on the device to tell. So in some ways, having video of myself helps me understand what it’s like to be on the other side of me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The bad part:</b> But there appear to be many downsides as well. It’s so distracting. I’m no longer able to fully focus on other people as they’re speaking because I’m too busy watching myself. There will always be a concern about personal appearance but there are ways in which video calls exacerbate that.<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now I’m thinking about the kind of background to use. I find the most common background for pastors is a bookcase. It’s a badge of status for a pastor to be filmed in front of a bookcase full of books. I think the virtual backgrounds and when I move, the whole thing shimmers in a creepy way.<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’ve never thought this much about lighting. I was on a Zoom call with someone with the window behind them and the sun shining right into the camera. That was not enjoyable.<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Apparently, I can turn off seeing my own video but I don’t want to. When in-person meetings return, maybe I'll hold up my phone to see my reflection to make sure I’m smiling enough and not touching my face. I’ve drunk too deeply of my own image to go back. </span></div>
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Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-18136695409891113082020-04-17T23:22:00.004-07:002020-04-18T08:04:41.721-07:00A Man's Review of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Van Epp’s RAM Model helps men set the pace in dating relationships</span></span></div>
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When a man learns ballroom dance, he takes the lead and his partner follows. If he’s dancing the tango, he maintains a strong frame - right elbow up, straight posture, and a firm but gentle hand cupping his partner’s shoulder blade. Once the music starts, he moves in rhythm with the beat and takes decisive steps. He sets the pace.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">John Van Epp’s classic tome, </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Avoid-Falling-Love-Jerk/dp/B07252TV21/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk</span></a><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is a ballroom dance guide for dating. It’s written to help men and women to determine the right tempo to pace their dating relationship. Though the book does not specifically address men, this Art of Manliness </span><a href="https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-584-how-to-avoid-falling-in-love-with-the-wrong-person/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">interview</span></a><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> with Van Epp does. General relationship books are often addressed primarily to women, as evidenced by “jerk” in the title, which is a gendered term for men. In spite of the title, the book offers a road map for how men can lead in a dating relationship. There’s a strong case for affirming traditional roles in dating and marriage, since even educated progressives default to male leadership, as this </span><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/02/if-you-want-marriage-equals-then-date-equals/606568/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">article</span></a><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> shows.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A road map is exactly what’s needed in our </span><a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2015/09/road-to-nowhere-loss-of-christian.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">scriptless</span></a><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> dating landscape. Van Epp’s daughter, Morgan Cutlip, a self-identified member of the Millennial generation, has joined with her father in relationship consulting. In this fantastic </span><a href="https://www.codependencynomore.com/session-54/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">podcast interview</span></a><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, Morgan notes Millennials (and younger) don’t call it dating anymore. The loss of a dating script is a mixed blessing. On one hand, being scriptless lowers dating commitment level and the accompanying investment of time and resources. On the other hand, the curse is many young people wander around trying to figure out which way is north and whether they’re getting closer. That’s where Van Epp’s book comes in. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM):</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Van Epp defines a “jerk” as one who does not take responsibility for his/her baggage and refuses to change. Given this definition, the centerpiece of the book is the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). It is a visual model of bonding in a romantic relationship. If you imagine each aspect of a romantic relationship on a scale of intensity, there is a sequence and balance in how each “slider” (similar to a sound equalizer) is developed. The relationship dynamic is time-tested and corresponds with how humans intuitively develop bonds but is rarely taught explicitly. After all, in our culture’s romantic idealism, we have been fed the lie that romance is natural, organic, doesn’t take work, and “just happens”. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The five aspects (“sliders”) of bonding the RAM are: </span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Know: </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bonding with someone and getting to know them; you form a dynamic picture of them based on information and experience gathered over time</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Trust: </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your belief a person is who they say they are based on your knowledge and experience of them</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Rely: </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Actions that follow from trust. Reliance grows from the ways you meet each other’s needs.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Commit:</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Extent to which you feel like you belong to someone, and that they belong to you, is a measure of the degree of commitment in your relationship.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sexual Touch:</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a strong contributor to the feelings of intimacy and closeness in any romantic relationship.</span></li>
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Van Epp’s words are instructive here: </span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“When all five are at the top level, the feelings of attachment are strongest. But when even one is low, attachment is weakened and your feelings of closeness become mixed. You are easily confused, hurt, and doubtful. The balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner. Here lies one of the most important keys to building a healthy relationship: keep a balance among the five relationship dynamics. Whenever the relationship dynamics shift out of balance with each other, you will feel unsafe, experiencing feelings of hurt, betrayal, confusion, mistrust, unfairness, anger, loneliness, or any combination of these.”</span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“There is one basic rule for guarding the safe zone: never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. This rule is based on the view that the five bonding dynamics have a specific order and logic to them: what you know about a person determines the degree you should trust him or her; this trust directs you in choosing what personal needs you can rely on him or her to meet; you should become committed only to the extent that you know, trust, and depend on that person; and finally, any degree of sexual involvement is safest when it matches the context of the overall intimacy reflected in the levels of the other four dynamics.” pg. 24</span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">In the above figure 11.1, a man can become overly dependent on a woman to a greater extent than he knows and trusts her. I have a friend who moved in with his college sweetheart. He abandoned all his male friends and she became his sole source of emotional fulfillment. When she broke up with him, he was devastated and took almost a decade to recover from.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The importance of milestones and pacing:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> What can men learn from this? Van Epp gives the example of a woman who invites a man to sleep with her on the first date. In such a case, a man who is pacing the relationship can gracefully turn down the invitation and emphasize other means to get to know one another. This is consistent with the sequence of RAM - know, trust, rely, commit, and touch, in that order. I think men often operate under an impression that leadership, respect, and equality mean giving in to a woman’s desires. The only way to express care is to fully accommodate a woman’s explicit requests. That is not leadership. </span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">How does a man know what an appropriate pace is? What does leadership look like on a broader scale?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Knowledge in Five Areas:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The RAM offers a tempo and set of moves for a man to lead his dance partner. Men need goals and the RAM provides a framework for the relationship milestones to track progress. The five areas to know a person are: compatibility, relationship skills (communication, openness, conflict management), relationship patterns, family background, character and conscience traits. All five are important yet weakness in one area is not a deal-breaker. The five areas are not sequenced in priority but rather the relative ease by which to assess - from the most obvious to most subtle. Compatibility has three dimensions: chemistry, complementarity, and comparability. For men, initial chemistry involves a blend of a woman’s looks, her looks, and finally, her looks. Next, a couple’s conversations will soon reveal their relationship skills. Relationship patterns and family background are best discussed in subsequent stages but it takes time to reveal family patterns. Similarly, character and conscience traits can only be observed over months and in diverse contexts. It’s naive to rely on a woman’s interview responses to assess a potential mate's character - “Well, I asked her if she was honest and she said yes.” </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pacing involves getting to know one another in these five areas and in the process of doing so, gradually moving each slider upward. As knowledge increases, reliance increases, and then commitment. Lastly, touch follows suit. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Knowing family background:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Here’s a personal example about the importance of knowing a person’s family background, even early on in a dating relationship when commitment is low: I was extremely fortunate as a college student to recognize the impact one’s family background has on romantic relationships. Through the influence of mentors and biblical teaching, I had an awareness that, for example, the way I treated my mom, would give an indication of how I would treat my wife. I tended to treat my mom like a servant - expecting her to cook and clean for me and taking her for granted. That’s certainly a dynamic that has plagued my relationship with Judy and I’ve had to work on addressing it. On the other side, Judy was forthcoming during our friendship/dating phase about the lack of intimacy in her childhood relationship with her parents. The resulting emotional accessibility has made it difficult for her to feel close to others. After graduating from college, she moved back in with her parents not to save money but to rebuild her relationship with them. This decision signaled her desire to grow as a mature child of God and as a grown daughter of her parents. As noted earlier, we could have disqualified each other on the basis of our weak family background/character/relationship skills but we both shared a willingness to change. As Van Epp notes, it’s not the baggage itself that matters but the work a person puts in to surrender their baggage. </span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I believe men are given all kinds of misinformation about what milestones are important or appropriate. In the stereotypical locker room, it’s about getting to first base or a home run (intercourse). The RAM offers a completely different and far more helpful framework. Many mistakes men make in dating relationships can be attributed to pacing errors. Reluctance to initiate, ambiguous intentions, and oversharing can all be understood as leadership misfires. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Reluctance to initiate:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The failure to initiate is a refusal to set the pace. Any pace. This tends to be personality-driven as introverted men tend to face difficulty in starting conversations with women. Men in these situations tend to make excuses, are socially risk-averse, and have low self-esteem and/or a victim mentality. In this case, a change of environment and encouragement can be helpful. This is where learning to overcome one’s fear of rejection is extremely valuable. It’s crucial to accept the fact that any woman at any given moment will not match any pace a guy has set. It may be personal or it may not. You will never know for sure. The fact is she doesn’t want to dance with you and that’s ok. Find someone who does.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ambiguous intentions:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Men often have trouble initiating the dreaded define-the-relationship (DTR) conversation because they’re genuinely confused about their own emotions and intentions. Over the years, I’ve talked with many men (and boys) whose actions clearly indicated romantic interest and commitment but refused to verbalize those sentiments to others. A guy might say “I’m not interested” but the daily, extensive 1:1 text exchanges late into the night betray a different sentiment. Pacing a relationship requires emotional awareness and an understanding of when trust and reliance are out of sync with commitment level.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Over-sharing and over-asking:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> At the beginning of a dating relationship, a man may disclose intimate details of his personal life with a woman at the beginning of a friendship or dating relationship. On a first date, a guy may share why he’s afraid of sex because of being molested as a child or how his ex-girlfriend once attacked him with a frying pan. I’ve heard men defend it as being “genuine”, “authentic”, and “keeping it real”. This type of vulnerability and candor does not respect the time element of getting to know a person. It also throws the “sliders” out of balance as deep sharing corresponds to a high level of knowledge that is out of sync with a low level of </span></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">trust and commitment</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">. When a man self-discloses intimate details of his life without rapport and fidelity, a woman may be at a loss for how to respond. I</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">s he this open with everyone or is this a seduction technique? I</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">s he asking her to respond in kind even if she’s uncomfortable reciprocating the same level of self-disclosure? Or</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is he expecting her to take on the role of emotional caregiver? </span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">By the same token, a man may also ask probing questions around a woman’s background and family patterns. The woman may not have spent enough time to know a man in diverse contexts to feel emotionally safe. Intense personal sharing requires a level of commitment that varies from person to person. She may wonder “What if I share a shameful secret about my past that turns him off and he ends up ghosting me?”</span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Here’s another type of oversharing I’ve observed within the evangelical bubble: Men in dating relationships often view one-on-one prayer as an important aspect of spiritual leadership. Regular one-on-one prayer with personal sharing is an activity that involves significant reliance on one another. It cultivates an intimacy that may be out of balance for the commitment level of a dating couple. Christians love to extrapolate marriage principles to dating but unfortunately, marriage is a completely different realm of union from dating. It is the highest level of commitment and the level of reliance (i.e.intimate prayer) should be commensurate. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Slow is smooth, smooth is fast”:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Towards the end of the book, Van Epp describes the value of a romantic roadmap using automotive terms: </span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"It is like driving a car on a trip and feeling lost because you are unsure of where you are. You can’t enjoy the ride, because all you can think about is looking for the signs that will tell you exactly where you are. But when you have a road map, know where you are going, and see that you are right on track to getting there, then you can relax and enjoy the scenery." pg. 228</span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Men have a bad tendency to resist asking for directions, drive without consideration of their passengers, and engage in risky maneuvers. A roadmap will not cure those behaviors but it goes a long way to finding one’s way and finding delight in the journey.</span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Let me close with one last quote and image: “Slow is smooth, smooth is fast”. This Special Forces slogan seems paradoxical but the central premise is purposeful movement. A Navy SEAL team converging on an enemy target must dynamically assess risk while not falling prey to paralysis by analysis. Too fast or too slow can mean death. In the dating realm, this translates into a thoughtful consideration of pace and setting milestones to journey towards together. Yes, I’m applying a military term to mating because the dating dumpster fires I’ve observed often result from a lack of planning and preparation. </span></span><br />
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<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">So research the route and plan your rest stops. Take the wheel. Or grab your partner’s hand and twirl her around. Lead the dance. Or rally your team and execute the mission. Take the objective. You pick the metaphor - and the pace.</span></span><br />
<br />Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-10608057439874529732020-04-10T17:11:00.000-07:002020-04-10T17:11:21.126-07:00Reconciling Repentance with Grace and Forgiveness<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #111111; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;">Photo by </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/@anniespratt?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: whitesmoke; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; text-align: start; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out 0s, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out 0s; white-space: nowrap;">Annie Spratt</a><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #111111; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"> on </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/self-flagellation?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: whitesmoke; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; text-align: start; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out 0s, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out 0s; white-space: nowrap;">Unsplash</a></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Revelation 2:4-5</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> [God speaking to the angel of the church in Ephesus] But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; </span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">repent</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you </span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">repent</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. [emphasis mine]</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Luke 24:46-47</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> [newly resurrected Jesus addressing two disciples] And said to them, Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, 47 and that r</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">epentance</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem. [emphasis mine]</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">In early February, I met up in-person to explore a friend of a friend's interest in Quicksilver Church. I’ll call him Eli. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Eli shared his observation that so many churches have ignored Jesus’ teaching about repentance and instead focus solely on preaching mercy, grace, and forgiveness. He saw this trend not just in the West but throughout the world (primarily Asia). Eli did not grow up in the US but came to this country for college.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I asked Eli what evidence he observed in the church that resulted from this evasion of repentance. He said it’s everywhere. The divorce rate among Christians is the same as the rest of society. Christians appear to be no more generous than non-Christians. He painted a narrative arc of education, employment, marriage, children, and retirement that looks exactly the same as the rest of the world. Eli then gave a very specific example that in his church, members attempt church activity to fit around their schedule of work, leisure, and kids’ events rather than the other way around - placing the church activity at the center and scheduling all other events around it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been ruminating on my conversation with Eli for the past couple of months. I even invited two friends to join us for a couple virtual meetings. I wholeheartedly agree with Eli’s observations and sentiment. The topic of repentance is tremendously important and yet often misunderstood. I’m not convinced a correct understanding will immediately change a person’s behavior but I increasingly recognize how crucial it is to integrate our understanding of repentance with the rest of the Christian faith. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I define repentance as a turning from sin and a turning towards God. Despite the simplicity of this definition, several misconceptions exist in the way repentance is taught and understood. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">On one hand is the myth that repentance is a one-time act that initiates one into the Christian life. Repentance is a decision made upon conversion and is the means by which a person receives his ticket to heaven. Once a sinner confesses his sinful nature and professes faith in Christ, repentance has occurred. A believer from that day forward is no longer required to repent. Rather, he is immersed in unending grace and forgiveness (Love yourself!) and allowed to live however he wants, without facing spiritual consequences such as eternal torment, guilt, shame, or condemnation. Theologians refer to this type of thinking as license. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because today's culture idolizes personal emotional fulfillment, license is a great temptation. We only focus on grace and forgiveness and ignore the injunctions towards behavioral change. Revelation 2:4-5 (referenced above) is quoted from God’s words to the seven churches. Jesus is addressing his followers. The message for the Ephesians is to restore their first love. Jesus addresses them as believers and yet clearly, repentance has an ongoing place in their spiritual formation. The sin of abandoning their first love does not invalidate the works, toil, and patient endurance (Rev 2:2) they’ve exhibited by faith. The Ephesians believers are, like the church today, saints who sin. Repentance is needed for believers not just non-believers and is hardly a one-time act.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the other hand, repentance can depict a practice of self-flagellation intended to motivate good behavior and outcomes. It recalls instances of worship leaders beginning a service by abasing themselves with generalities. LORD, I’m so unworthy. I’m such a sinner I can’t come into your presence. LORD, I don’t think about you nearly enough. Repentance becomes a kind of degradation Olympics - a competition for who can be regarded as being the worst of sinners. The sense is God’s grace and forgiveness can only be accessed once we sufficiently abase ourselves. The act of repeated abasement is integral to sanctification, the journey towards manifesting Christlike-ness. This kind of self-flagellation is also emotion-driven. It equates spiritual maturity with wallowing in self-pity. In addition, the focus on repentance as self-flagellation includes other incentives. If we would only sufficiently degrade ourselves, positive life outcomes will result - behavioral change, material blessings, freedom from the consequences of sin, and health, etc. Christians refer to this theology as legalism.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">One example of repentance as self-flagellation is the evangelical view that COVID-19 is God’s judgment against the sin of the world. If the church sufficiently repents and abases herself, then there’s an implication God will rescue humanity from this self-inflicted affliction. There is biblical evidence to support this view and yet there’s also biblical evidence that counters. Luke 24:46-67 is an example of a counter to this view. Jesus speaks to his disciples, who up until that point, did not recognize him. In this statement, he emphasizes the relationship between repentance AND the forgiveness of sins. These two actions go together. Repentance is the request for mercy and forgiveness is the act of receiving it. Those two must go together. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">License emphasizes turning towards God, without a turning from sin. Legalism emphasizes the turning from sin, without a turning towards God. License emphasizes belief without behavior and legalism emphasizes behavior without belief. Both of these extremes are non-relational. What does it look to place them in the correct proportion? How can we emphasize both?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Repentance emphasizes the inextricable bond between belief and behavior. It is both turning from and turning towards. Repentance is to change one’s ways. Repentance means coming to the end of one’s self and acknowledging the consequences of one’s flesh. Self-sufficiency is a lie and false behavior can be traced back to false belief. Thus, repentance also means coming to terms with the reality of the Spirit and the believer’s substance as a new creation in Christ. Eugene Peterson writes “The usual biblical word describing the no we say to the world’s lies and the yes we say to God’s truth is repentance. It is always and everywhere the first word in the Christian life.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Repentance is the primary means by which a person accesses God’s mercy, grace, and forgiveness. It is the most important prerequisite to receiving God’s unconditional love. It is not the only means to experience God’s love but it is the main one. It is not a one-time act but rather an ongoing exercise of faith. Repentance is an activity of faith that opens one’s heart to receive grace and forgiveness. The LORD’s prayer is meant to be prayed daily as an ongoing exercise of repentance. Certainly, there will be times and seasons where personal repentance is experienced more poignantly. And repentance can and should happen both individually or corporately. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Several weeks after talking with Eli, I spoke with a friend in my Life Group. A Life Group is a group of believers in my church who meet weekly to discuss how to apply biblical values and pray for one another. My friend confronted me for exhibiting a harsh and condescending attitude towards Judy during one of our Life Group discussions. Later that week, the church planter assessment report came back from Acts 29, the church planting network I’m being sent out from. The report was overwhelmingly positive but one of the comments noted that, during a group counseling exercise, I had corrected Judy in front of the group. The report warned me not to correct her publicly. A couple days later, I went on a walk with a friend and he commented that when Judy and I had visited him and his wife, he expressed concerned over how I spoke harshly to Judy. One Sunday a couple weeks later, our Life Group looked at the habit of listening, prayer and obedience, with an emphasis on repentance. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">What do these messages mean? I’m tempted to interpret these messages as an indication that I’m an evil person and a terrible husband. I’m tempted to believe our marriage is hopeless and devoid of love and affection. However, I recognize these temptations as lies. I have patterns due to my personality and family background that encourage pride and a critical spirit. And yet those patterns no longer define me. Judy and I have a good marriage. We do talk with each other quite candidly. However, treating her with harshness and condescension is never good, privately or publicly. In these messages from my peers, I recognize God giving me the opportunity to repent. This was a chance to come to the end of myself and come before Him: to acknowledge my sin, receive grace, mercy, and forgiveness, and commit to believe and behave differently because I am no longer my own. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I spent some time coming before God, confessing my critical spirit and receiving forgiveness. I apologized to my wife. Then to my kids. Then to the Life Group. In those moments, I had to remind myself of the reality of Christ’s death and resurrection poured out for me. I had to resist the temptation of making a show of making amends and rather allow God to work in the innermost reaches of my heart. It was painful yet freeing. Which of those steps was repentance? I hope all of them. </span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-21901224859923243382020-03-29T18:00:00.000-07:002020-03-29T18:00:02.064-07:00A Novel Leprosy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B1w5YTA0AJ8/Xn-g3aHewBI/AAAAAAAANDY/iFOZfkfKJ50C0VSV5dGr0IKeuhwhrpougCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/seshadri-sarkar-zmqF_Oytve8-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1061" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B1w5YTA0AJ8/Xn-g3aHewBI/AAAAAAAANDY/iFOZfkfKJ50C0VSV5dGr0IKeuhwhrpougCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/seshadri-sarkar-zmqF_Oytve8-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mark 1:40-41</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> And a leper came to him,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">imploring him, and kneeling said to him, If you will, you can make me clean. 41 Moved with pity, he </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">stretched out his hand and touched him </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">and said to him, I will; be clean.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sat in a McDonald’s hours before the governor of California announced a shelter-in-place directive for Santa Clara County residents. Social distancing was already in full effect - every other table had a sign “DO NOT SIT”. The</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">McDonald’s near my home has two rooms - a main dining room where the counters and drink station are, and a side dining area where the restrooms are located. An older Asian woman sat fifteen feet away from me at a table. I heard her begin to cough. Once she started coughing, a person sitting in the room immediately got up and left. Another customer walked in and abruptly turned around. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If the devil wanted to devise a scheme to further create division and alienation, he would concoct a novel illness that would not kill the healthy but rather disproportionately attack the vulnerable, neglected and discriminated against: the foreigner (or </span><a href="https://abcnews.go.com/US/fbi-warns-potential-surge-hate-crimes-asian-americans/story?id=69831920&fbclid=IwAR0NRCMKRVH3Wh4XpRQsxuAnzuyC5BIxvwpsjiHiwQU2AfZb3QAXOXhPQO4" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">those</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/asian-americans-report-nearly-500-racist-acts-over-last-week-n1169821" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">stereotyped</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/23/us/chinese-coronavirus-racist-attacks.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to be</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">), the elderly, those with pre-existing medical conditions, and the poor. And the centerpiece of his strategy and where most of his work would be involved, would be deployment of a massive disinformation campaign to strike fear in people’s hearts and worsen existing areas of division. Incidents of racism and xenophobia would proliferate. The gap between the haves and have-nots would increase. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">He would take advantage of social media and bombard people with messaging about the spread. The messages would be categorized as data analysis and public health experts would extrapolate infection and fatality rates and make forecasts of doom such as the likelihood of overwhelming a country’s healthcare system. There would be graphics and diagrams to illustrate the spread. Their stated purpose would be informative but their true purpose would be to sow fear. The enemy would make it even socially acceptable for people to isolate themselves from the most vulnerable by re-appropriating language of exclusion as “social distancing” and “quarantine”. He would create a stigma to the disease that was just as dangerous as the disease itself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">But the master stroke of the enemy’s campaign would be his attack on how people love one another. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">He would poison touch. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">He would alter the most basic of social conventions: the touch greeting - whether a handshake, kiss on the cheek, high-five, or fist bump. Families and communities express love through physical affection and Satan will taint this medium. He would stigmatize skin-on-skin contact for fear of infection. The enemy’s campaign would outlaw hugs. He would stigmatize the practice of Christians placing hands on another’s shoulder in prayer. He will cause a disfiguring or change in appearance of those infected - either a disfiguring of facial features or the wearing of a mask. Communities would be defined by boundaries of who could be touched and who could not. Those who are perceived as diseased will experience the death of touch. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">These boundaries of touch would create communities of untouchables. These communities, visible and geographic in times past, would be invisible to the public. These encampments, cloaked in the past, would fall completely off the radar. Their invisibility would make it more difficult to perceive and easier to imagine they did not exist. But those untouchables will live on in isolation and will slowly suffer and die from lack of touch. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Satan has used infectious diseases throughout history to alienate people. Leprosy was one of them. Even in just the past hundred years, little was understood about Hanson’s disease and how it was spread (95% of people are immune), and those infected were isolated into their own communities and viewed as unclean. There was also a term to describe those suffering from the disease: lepers. The touch of a leper was viewed as the touch of death. Lepers were restricted not only from human contact but even from sight. In the ancient near east, it was taught that lepers were sinners who brought the disease upon themselves. Leprosy also disproportionately affected the poor and neglected. The stigma to the disease was far more dangerous than the disease itself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jesus could and did heal without touch. And yet he intentionally touched those who were most untouchable. His healing touch had a discernible physical effect - to cure the bodily ailment. But the effect of his touch extended far beyond the physical: his touch testified to the worth of the person and was the medium by which supernatural power was conducted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During this global pandemic, it is clear Christians must exercise wisdom and brotherly love by heeding the public health orders to shelter-in-place, practice good hygiene, and maintain social distance. Though these directives are temporary, I’m concerned about their residual impact. The body of Christ must be mindful of Satan’s schemes. There are </span><a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/21/opinions/physical-distancing-menjivar-foster-brand/index.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ways</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to mitigate social distancing but I sense it will be an uphill battle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">How long does it take for touch to die? Weeks? Months? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">What will it take to resurrect touch? Between friends and within one’s social circle, a little time and a little effort. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I pray this hiatus on touch would cause reflection on its importance and how the marginalized suffer most when touch dies. They’re the ones who are most deprived to begin with and when touch dies, they will die first. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">What will it take to resurrect touch for the leper? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lepers need healing but I wonder if the illness didn’t start with the leper but with me. I wonder if the enemy’s strategy wasn’t so much to exploit a disease of the body but a disease of the heart. The physical ailment exacerbates a spiritual one: my favoritism for the familiar and preference for the powerful. I only love those who love me in return. I wonder if I need Jesus’ touch as much as the leper. I wonder if I’m the poisoned one. I wonder if I’m the leper. Perhaps I’m the one in need of resurrection. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Am I the one filled with fear? In alienating others, am I the alienated one? How many of my justifications for helping others ring hollow and empty? In surrounding myself and my circle with a hedge of protection, have I walled myself off from the touch of Jesus? If Jesus, in the guise of a leper or an elderly Asian woman, stretched out her hand to me, would I recoil?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m drawn to Jesus because he does not discriminate based on status. He does not favor the wealthy, attractive, or popular. He welcomes the exile, sojourner, and outcast. He cares for the widow and the orphan. He stretches his hand out to the leper. I’m drawn to Jesus because I am not like him and I need his touch to transform me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">After she finished her meal, the older Asian woman stepped near my table to put her trash in the waste receptacle. I had to resist my impulse to recoil from her. Part of me desperately wanted to raise my hoodie over my mouth. I watched as her face drooped with fatigue and sadness. Part of me wanted to give her a hug. I don’t know which part was bigger. </span></div>
Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-65340283264038987242020-03-22T13:57:00.001-07:002020-03-29T18:12:00.205-07:00Announcing Quicksilver Church<div style="height: 0px;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Initial logo courtesy of Bach Nguyen</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had hoped to announce the name of the</span><br />
<a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2020/01/planting-church-finally.html" style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">church plant </span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">during service this Sunday at Garden City. That won’t happen so this is a virtual announcement. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">We are Quicksilver Church.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In 1989, my parents bought a home near </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Almaden" style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">New Almaden</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, in the one of the most southern reaches of San Jose. I never understood why it was called “New” because the area felt decidedly old, run-down, and rural. The original Almaden is a town and municipality in Spain, about 200 miles south of Madrid. The mercury deposits of</span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Almad%C3%A9n" style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: black; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Almaden, Spain</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> account for the largest quantity of liquid mercury metal produced in the world. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">New Almaden, on the other hand, is aptly named for the location of the oldest and most productive mercury mine in the United States. Mercury, also known as quicksilver, was mined extensively during the California Gold Rush beginning in 1848. Mercury is used to recover tiny pieces of gold mixed in soil and sediments. Mercury and gold settle then combine together to form an amalgam. Gold is then extracted by vaporizing the mercury.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">From my parents' home, my bedroom window looked out onto </span><a href="https://www.sccgov.org/sites/parks/parkfinder/Pages/AlmadenPark.aspx" style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Almaden Quicksilver County Park</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, where the mercury mines are located. I have fond memories running those hills with my high school friends. From our affluent neighborhood, we could easily access the New Almaden Trail, a 13-mile well-shaded loop of single-track. During high school, I trained for a Boy Scout 50-mile backpacking trip in Quicksilver. During my senior year, my brother and high school friends did a “Death Hike” - an illegal climb to </span><a href="https://www.openspace.org/mount-umunhum-sierra-azul" style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mount Umunhum</span></a><span style="color: black; font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> (closed to the public at the time). Today, on any given weekend, I will run into Chinese parents from my previous church in the hills of Quicksilver. Up until five years ago, my parents hiked the trails weekly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Quicksilver is a toxic metal. Quiksilver (no “c”) is a surf-apparel company. Those meanings are not the focus. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Quicksilver means San Jose. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Quicksilver means the Mercury News, the newspaper of San Jose. Quicksilver means Almaden, the neighborhood I grew up in. Quicksilver means the beauty of this area and the iconic Mount Umunhum, which I view whenever I’m driving south in Silicon Valley. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Quicksilver is a church in and for San Jose. I’ve lived in San Jose for 40+ years and I have no plans to leave until God calls me elsewhere. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mercury is a rarity. It is a metal that exists as a liquid at room temperature. The vision of Quicksilver Church is to be a rarity: a gospel-centered church that is open to dialogue. We exist to be a safe place to ask hard questions about God.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jesus tells a parable of the treasure hidden in a field in Matthew 13:44-45. The man, upon discovering the treasure, recognizes its worth and sells all his possessions in order to buy the field where the treasure is hidden. The treasure is compared to the kingdom of heaven.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like the original 49ers, my parents came to California in search of treasure. My parents found jobs at IBM and Apple and over time, became wealthy. They also met Jesus and now have a different kind of wealth. People still come to Silicon Valley in search of making a fortune. They come not only from this country but from all over the world. It is the goal of Quicksilver Church to help the people of San Jose discover the greatest treasure.</span>Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3765725400129447599.post-46053776459160154282020-02-29T10:45:00.000-08:002020-02-29T10:45:19.762-08:00Top 10 Reasons NOT to Join a Church Plant<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #111111; font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, "San Francisco", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, "Segoe UI", Arial, sans-serif; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;">Photo by </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/@mitchy___?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: whitesmoke; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, "San Francisco", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, "Segoe UI", Arial, sans-serif; text-align: start; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out 0s, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out 0s; white-space: nowrap;">Michelle Jimenez</a><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #111111; font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, "San Francisco", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, "Segoe UI", Arial, sans-serif; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"> on </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/church?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: whitesmoke; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, "San Francisco", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, "Segoe UI", Arial, sans-serif; text-align: start; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out 0s, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out 0s; white-space: nowrap;">Unsplash</a></span></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Exactly nine years ago, my boss, friend, and mentor, Justin Buzzard, began planting Garden City Church and posted </span><a href="https://www.justinbuzzard.net/2011/03/24/top-10-reasons-not-to-join-a-church-plant/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Top 10 Reasons NOT to Join a Church Plant</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I thought it might be fun to share my own top 10 list. Like the church plant itself, which will be a Garden City daughter church, my top 10 list replicates much of the thinking in Justin’s list and extends it to the church plant’s unique context. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do not join a church plant if . . .</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Your personal dream for the church plant supersedes your love for other believers.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> “Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer in </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Life-Together-Exploration-Christian-Community/dp/0060608528/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Life Together</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. This applies to every church, in its infancy or otherwise, and yet church plants are tempted by the idealism of its members, and the greatest temptation is placed before the planter himself. A church planter starts a church because of his personal dream and I am no exception. Through my decades as a Christian, I’ve witnessed and heard of countless disagreements over ministry philosophy that devolved into division, factionalism, bitterness, resentment, and hatred.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Discontent with your current church fuels a reaction to overcompensate.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> When it comes to church plants, holy discontent is a righteous indignation for an unaddressed need. That need is often an unreached people group and includes a new missional strategy or doctrinal expression. However, discontent can mask a reactiveness against one’s current context and fuels overcompensation to the other extreme. For example, house churches often start out of discontent with the institutional church. Recently, a former house church planter confessed how he overreacted against the institutional church by refusing to codify any of his church practices. When he left his church network, the leaders initially floundered because they had relied upon him to make decisions rather than rely on a set of documented principles that could inform their decision-making.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. You have unrealistic expectations of the church planter.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> This is related to reason #1. People who join a church plant often have a strong belief in the church planter. That’s great and I appreciate that. However, this belief can cut both ways because the church planter (and any pastor) eventually disappoints the expectations of his congregants. That’s why church hurt is so painful - the expectations are high and no pastor lives up to them. We are human. I’ve had a couple members of my church confide how they’ve lost respect for me because of how I caused them hurt. I regret the pain my harshness, anger, and critical spirit caused. And at the same time, I pray our respect for each other would not depend on the ability to meet expectations but rather confidence in God’s value and unique calling and role for each person, including and especially, pastors.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Your gifts are better used where you are now.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I have many friends who are living out their distinct calling and using their unique gifts to bless the local body of Christ they belong to today. If that’s you, stay where you are. This is even more true for Garden City Church. This body will be losing some leaders and there will be ample opportunity to step up and fill the vacuum.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. You’re unrepentant about your lack of submission to authority. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Authority is a four-letter word in our individualistic culture. And yet God is the highest authority (power) and delegated authority is God’s design for government, church, and family. People who join church plants may seek power and autonomy. However, a church plant is a church community that operates based on the authority of its leaders. It is not a free-for-all.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. You prefer the idea of diversity more than actually living out diversity.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I hope this church will be multi-ethnic but I have a greater hope that it will be a </span><a href="http://breadbeforerice.blogspot.com/2015/08/we-need-multi-class-churches-more-than.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">multi-class</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> one. That’s a harder barrier to overcome. I am affluent and educated and like the idea of diversity. But the practice of diversity is way harder and more challenging than the idea of diversity. It’s not easy for me to interact with people who don’t share my experience of college, book reading and reviewing, extended vacations, and dining out. I’ve noticed many of my peers (especially Asian Americans) love to be in ethnically and socioeconomically diverse churches. And yet I’ve often noticed the after-service mingling ends up with cliques of affluent, educated, professionals of similar age and ethnicity. We can bask in checking the box of diversity without actually living it out. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Your fear of hard things prevents you from doing hard things.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Church planting is not a spectator sport. It is difficult (I’ll find out how much) and people involved are prone to burn out, stress, uncertainty, and disappointment. The expectation of any church plant is to do hard things. Evangelism is hard. That’s why most churches don’t do it. I’m afraid of doing hard things and I pray this fear would not outweigh my willingness to do hard things. Ultimately, this is the empowerment of the Spirit working in the believer and at the same time, our conscious choice to go forth in obedience.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. You place high value on a local church remaining a small, intimate community. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of the greatest obstacles to evangelism is church insularity. We love and enjoy the intimacy and shared experience of being with “our people”. But the mission of God is to expand God’s people. This means intimacy is important but is not the highest value. Rather, our desire for intimacy will come into conflict with the desire to go out and seek others. We want this church to grow in numbers as we expand God’s kingdom.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. You can’t accept failure.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Most church plants are not successful. I am afraid of this church plant failing. But one sign of God’s calling to plant was my recognition of the value of obedience in spite of failure. My greater fear is this church plant will be financially self-sustaining but will fail its mission of reaching people who don’t know Jesus. When churches fail and die, it doesn’t usually happen quickly. Dying churches fade into irrelevance over decades. My prayer is, if and when this failure occurs, to have the discernment and courage to allow the church to die so other churches can be birthed and the mission of God revitalized.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. You assume the primary goal of a church plant is to become a mega-church.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The goal of this church plant is to be a church that plants other churches. Put in terms of the Great Commission, the goal of this disciple-making community is to send out disciple-makers to start new disciple-making communities. It’s great if a church grows and few churches limit that expansion. However, the purpose of the church universal is to go out and reach the world through making disciples of Jesus. Planting churches is the model given by the New Testament. I recognize our church is limited in who it will reach and that’s why new churches are needed. Planting other churches doesn’t exclude other ways of expanding the kingdom but is the primary goal of this church plant. </span></div>
<br />Fred Mokhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02106747406381079106noreply@blogger.com0