Rant of the Exiles

“All models are wrong but some are useful”  - statistician George Box I was startled this morning by my friend Todd's (not his real name) example of how personality tests are reductive and unreliable. According to the Enneagram, his personality type tends to avoid emotionally charged situations. Todd then cited a recent instance where he encountered a crying coworker in the elevator and instead of walking away, he approached her and listened to what was going on. He easily stepped outside the box of his personality type: Todd 1, Enneagram 0.  Contrary to common perception, the Enneagram is not witchcraft. It has some Christian roots .  The problem with personality tests like Myers-Briggs, 16PF,  and DISC assessment is some people swear by them and these fanatics tend to see everyone and everything through the lens of the test, often in reductionistic and deterministic ways. So in a conversation, I might say “I ate too much last night and I fe...

[1400 words, 8 minute read] During the start of Linsanity in 2012, Jeremy Lin spent a night sleeping on the couch of his New York Knicks teammate. After Lin exploded in popularity, Taiwanese and mainland Chinese reporters expressed concern over his lodging situation, repeatedly asking him if he had found more permanent digs. Western media had a field day with the question - the idea of a stranger publicly worrying over a NBA player’s living situation was preposterous. And yet this is classic Asian culture - unsolicited care-taking for an independent, capable adult.  According to Cloud and Townsend’s seminal book , boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else. According to Bowen theory (a widely accepted psychology in Western culture), this is what self-differentiation looks like: “People with a poorly differentiated “self” depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to...

I posted something two years ago about dating an emotionally repressed Asian guy and recently received two correspondences regarding the comment . Here’s an email from a young woman: "My boyfriend is Korean-American, born to immigrant parents and raised in New Jersey in a heavily Korean area. All of his friends from home are Korean. We met in college and were friends for about a year before we started dating. Since the beginning of the relationship I knew that he was always reluctant to share his feelings, but I know that he has them deep inside him and that they are just shown in different ways. I accepted early on that he has different love languages than me. Everything in our relationship was going well for about a year, but towards the one year mark he started to say no to many activities I wanted to do, or outings I wanted to go on, saying that he was busy with school or projects or just tired. I thought we were just going through a busy time and that he would soon be...