Rant of the Exiles

A single female friend in her early thirties asked me to blog about why people should get married. She's been dating men who seek marriage as if it's something to cross off their checklist - they want children before they get too old, they're lonely and desire companionship, etc.  If I had to guess at the thinking behind the question, she senses something off about the attitude and tone of these men's responses to her question. Or there might be something off about how she asks the question and her expectations concerning their responses. We'll address both possibilities. I'm also assuming she is the one posing this question to men. It's difficult for me to imagine guys offering canned reasons for pursuing marriage without first being put on the spot. If guys open with unsolicited sharing about loneliness and wanting children, that's really, really not good. First let me note, there is nothing wrong wanting children or addressing loneliness a...

How God invented the triad I hate leadership books. They remind me of everything I should be doing as a leader but not doing today. I feel guilty, insecure, and ashamed after reading them. So when a friend of mine recommended checking out  Tribal Leadership , I balked. But I finally got around to reading it and the book is awesome because it's completely about Jesus, though he's never mentioned by name. Language matters:  The premise of the book is that tribes are groups of about 20-150 people and each tribe has a culture that can be categorized in stages. The key insight to the three authors' research is each stage is defined by its culture and the culture is defined by language. That's the key to making the book work - listen to how people talk about their company, their group, their church and you can determine what type of culture they participate in and what stage of leadership they're at. Stage One: Life sucks  ==> "Everything th...

I love Milo Yiannopoulus's viral two-part series titled "Sexodus" . It is one of the few nuanced, well-researched articles that attacks feminism and defends men's rights without descending into vitriol and misogyny. My journey with the men's rights movement (aka " manosphere ") started with Wesley Yang's  Paper Tigers . The New York Magazine's feature article from May 2011 blew me way. He examined how internal and external cultural biases stunt the social and economic growth potential of Asian American men. It was a mainstream unveiling of a phenomenon almost every Asian American guy has personally experienced - the bamboo ceiling and discrimination. The 9,000 word essay wasn't just a rant. Yang provides a complex, well-researched portrait of both victims of the bamboo ceiling and positive examples of Asian American men who broke through. After reading it, I felt more hope than sadness because light was piercing an area that's ...

I love the OKCupid blog. Christian Rudder, an Harvard alum and dating site founder, writes  about the three "D"s of data, deception, and dating.  One of my favorite posts is this  one from 2009 , which connects data, deception, and dating with on another issue I'm passionate about - race.  I'm fascinated by how we're walking contradictions when it comes to romance. We don't do what we say and most of the time, we're not even fully aware of the type of people we're attracted to (or repulsed by). So when I heard he was coming out with a book I was pretty excited and finally got a copy from the library. The official title is  Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One's Looking) .  Wow, it was a disappointing read. The book is about self-deception and how big data now allows us to measure the precise distance between our public and private persona. It succeeds in broaching the topic but unfortunately it's a shallow dive. Here are two ob...

As a pastor, sometimes my job gets in the way of my job. My calling is to train disciples. One way I live out my calling by teaching the Bible. But somewhere along those lines, I must teach others how to feed themselves. That means I need to trust God's work in someone's life and allow that person the freedom to develop on his own.  In October, I helped teach a conference about reading the Bible for life change. A woman in our small group commented that she had been taught by pastors for her entire life. She learned from them how to think about the Bible but never had the courage to attempt to interpret the scriptures on her own. This conference, along with a recent small group Bible study she participates in, were watershed moments where she felt confident enough to read and think on her own. She had been fed by another person her whole life but hadn't learned how to feed yourself. Don't get me wrong - I don't believe the Bible is best studied alone - it...

Recently I talked with my parents about my character issues.  In the past year I decided my main flaws are pride and anger. I have a massive ego that follows me everywhere I go. And since I'm motivated by aggression and dominance, I also have a rage complex that seethes beneath the surface and sometimes explodes. So I told them my hypothesis: You guys helped screw me up by neglecting to discipline me for my negative attitude. You punished me for outward behavior but never called me out for being disrespectful to you and to others. Focusing on the outward kept me from experiencing the full consequences of how my temper and critical spirit would, in the future, alienate me from others and make me miserable. My parents agreed. My dad said that wasn't all they did to screw me up. My dad explained that they had no idea how to raise me so they focused on outward behavior without understanding the heart. He said their biggest mistake was not letting me have a chan...

People say authenticity is important until they are called to be authentic themselves. Donald Nwankwo  writes about barriers to authenticity but I think he really means vulnerability -  the courage to share weakness . Below are his reasons on why we don't want to be fully authentic with others about who we are and our struggles and weakness: 1) A misplaced sense of identity: Sometimes one might feel that their Christian identity is directly tied to their Christian reputation. So for this one, to risk authenticity when it does not portray a positive status is to risk their reputation, which in turn threatens that identity. In other words, unless they appear as authentic to model, they fear they won’t belong. Therefore, they will work hard to protect this identity. The remedy for this category is a renewed sense of identity that derives from Jesus Christ, His work, redemption and continuing grace and sustenance. One is in God’s family because of what Christ has done, of cou...