Rant of the Exiles

A single friend in his early 20s asked for examples of dating milestones based on the previous post . He understood what not to do much better than he understood what to do. As often is the case for ambiguous topics, it’s often easier to define the negative rather than prescribe the positive. And in giving prescriptions, there’s a backlash because not all <fill in the blank> are like that, there’s individual personalities and background, and then there’s situational context. Given all this, I will still attempt to bring clarity to dating milestones.  Possible dating milestones: Here is a list of dating milestones that I recall in sequence for how my relationship with my wife progressed. We met in college through the ministry of a campus Christian group, now known as Cru. College is such a great place to meet people: similar intelligence and work ethic, often similar backgrounds, shared interests, lots of free time, and no adult supervision or responsibilities. The following ...

Van Epp’s RAM Model helps men set the pace in dating relationships When a man learns ballroom dance, he takes the lead and his partner follows. If he’s dancing the tango, he maintains a strong frame - right elbow up, straight posture, and a firm but gentle hand cupping his partner’s shoulder blade. Once the music starts, he moves in rhythm with the beat and takes decisive steps. He sets the pace. John Van Epp’s classic tome, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk is a ballroom dance guide for dating. It’s written to help men and women to determine the right tempo to pace their dating relationship. Though the book does not specifically address men, this Art of Manliness interview with Van Epp does. General relationship books are often addressed primarily to women, as evidenced by “jerk” in the title, which is a gendered term for men. In spite of the title, the book offers a road map for how men can lead in a dating relationship. There’s a strong case for affirming traditional...

It was 6:30 AM on a Saturday morning. Five-year old Tommy looked up from his Chinese homework and protested: "But mom why do I have to study?" Ai-Ling looked down and as she stroked Tommy’s hair affectionately, looked out the window at the sunrise and said:  "Tommy, studying is about learning. Learning is the greatest beauty. Some day you will attend an Ivy League school, take literature classes, and immerse yourself in the work of giants. Your mind will expand and grow as far as the horizon, like the radiance of the sun rising into the sky." The preceding sentence has never been uttered in an Asian* household. And yet I’m certain the scene of early morning studying has been replayed often. This the premise of Bryan Caplan’s book, The Case Against Education: Why the Education System is a Waste of Time and Money , that education is anywhere from 30-80% signaling. Signaling is communication. Education communicates to employers that you’re suitab...

My oldest son is now a high school junior. Amidst ministry and raising four children, my wife and I haven’t devoted significant time to college research and admissions. In a panic over this, I recently went to the library and checked out six test prep books for the SAT, ACT, and PSAT. I was overwhelmed by how much stuff is out there and realized I should have started preparing for this years ago. I’m fully aware there are parents out there who have invested many hours plotting out their child’s path to elite college admission and don’t even have children yet.  I want to jump on the college admissions treadmills and start sprinting as fast as possible to catch up.   I ’ve learned enough about myself that w hen I ’ m caught up in this  frenzy, it’s helpful to pause and ask, “Why am I doing this?" That ’s exactly the question my friend and fellow UC Berkeley alum,  Iris Chen, has been asking about her kids ’  education.  She  has two young ...

A Yale Law graduate gives his first-hand perspective of growing up amidst the white working class. Hillbilly Elegy is a great book -  a well-written and poignant memoir of J.D. Vance’s childhood in small town Ohio and how his Appalachian-raised grandparents became the intact family that his biological parents never were. His dad abandoned him as a baby and his mom was a substance addict with a conga line of boyfriends and the accompanying rotation of homes. Vance’s memoir is every bit about being an exile in America as Russell Jeung’s book. I recognize white privilege is a real thing. Being white confers advantages that ethnic minorities do not benefit from. And yet it's difficult to typify Vance’s experience as benefiting from white privilege due the tremendous disadvantages of his upbringing. J.D. Vance’s memoir offers a contrasting data point on how members of the...

Reflecting on my twenties from the vantage point of forty Meg Jay's book, The Defining Decade , for and about twentysomethings is excellent. She has street cred as a psychotherapist who has worked with dozens of twentysomethings in the San Francisco bay area and on the East Coast. Her book is filled with real-life twentysomething case studies I've heard many times before as a pastor who works with young adults. My first exposure to Jay came her through her excellent  TED talk and then a friend loaned me her book. The gist of it goes something like this:  Stop putting off your most important decisions in your twenties. The life you envision will not happen overnight so start planning and working on it today.  It probably takes at least ten years of distance to determine whether a major decision you made turned out well. So as a forty-year old, I decided to look back on my twenties and evaluate the life choices that gave me the greatest joys and those t...