Skip to main content

Why women must guard the gates

You don't have to be religious to understand the value of chastity. Susan Walsh has a great post about a woman who lied about her "number" before she married her husband.

Based on her post, I have three suggestions for millennial women:

1) Accept the double standard: Because men and women are different sexually - women are the gatekeepers and men are the gatecrashers - there will always be two different standards. Accept it and deal with it.

2) Be truthful: Tell the truth about your past. Don't mortgage the future for the present. The greater crime than her promiscuity was her dishonesty in the early stages of the relationship. She ran the bait and switch on him.

3) Join a counter-cultural movement: At the end of the post, Susan writes: "Our culture penalizes women who hold out and require commitment before they have sex." Good words. We're living in the fall-out of a feminist society but you don't have to be another statistic. Hold out for permanent commitment. It's called marriage.

... and two for millennial men:

1) Value honesty: Express how much you value truthfulness. Demonstrate honesty yourself. Look for examples of honesty in her behavior, especially regarding her friends, family, and peers. Most of all, be ready to handle the truth by showing maturity and acceptance when you hear something difficult.

2) Have realistic expectations and focus on what's important: Chances are the woman you want to marry has a higher number than what you imagined for yourself. If you know she's truthful and has quality character, this does not have to be a deal breaker. Women make all kinds of relationship mistakes. And you have all kinds of issues as well. Don't throw someone worthy away because of a bad set of decisions.


  1. Hello, Fred Mok! I know you, so I know what you are trying to say. But of course I must say at least two things. First: are men really the gate crashers? Maybe I have to read your other post to truly understand that. Couldn't you say that men are the gate-guardians and women are the gate? Women can be just as foolish with their own bodies as men can be with women's bodies. In a perfect world, wouldn't men try to protect the gate through which life enters the world? The idea that women should be better at being better than men can be quite damaging to girls--especially young Christian girls who will, inevitably, fail at being better.

    I think Christians should always fight a double standard. It is never acceptable to accept something that is wrong, no matter how common it is.

    I also believe that being persuaded sexually has more to do with people's very legitimate fear of intimacy in our society than it does with men just wanting what they want. I have spent 29 years avoiding physical intimacy, but what I find is that people my age are terrified of intimacy in general. Often the physical is the easiest part. If they can't start there, they don't know where else to start.

    It is certainly a very complex issue. Each time I am attracted to a man, I wonder what my future husband would think about my possible behavior toward him. This is helpful, but it can also induce a lot of unnecessary and unrealistic guilt. So I do believe engaging the complexity is important for that reason.

    Thanks for raising this topic!

    1. Mary, I appreciate your comment. I understand where you're coming from. Not all double standards are wrong. Men and women are equal in status but are designed differently and have different roles. This is a biblical principle. Because this is an important topic, I'm going to give you one line of reasoning in a future post. I don't deny men's role in being a protector but it's hard to be both an initiator of sex and a protector of sex at the same time. On a more personal angle, one big reason I was attracted to Judy in the first place is because of her honesty and self-respect. A woman who guards her gates has self-respect. It means she understands her value. That is a big turn-on for me and I'm guessing for most men.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Dad's Review of Passport 2 Purity

[3,100 words, 11 minute read] The sex talk is one of the most dreaded conversations parents anticipate having with their children. To make things easier, an entire industry exists to help parents with sex education. Dozens of books have been written to help parents navigate this treacherous topic with their progeny. One of the best known among evangelicals is called the Passport 2 Purity Getaway package . It is produced by FamilyLife, a division of Cru (former Campus Crusade for Christ) and consists of a five lecture CD package including a journal and exercises designed as a weekend retreat for a pre-pubescent child and his/her parent(s). Passport 2 Purity was not my initiative. Our trip came about because Judy had heard from several home-schooling mom friends how they had taken their daughters on a road trip to go through the CDs. She even heard how a mom took a trip with husband and two sons to through the curriculum. So a couple months ago, Judy suggested we take our two older boy

Why Asians Run Slower

My brother got me David Epstein's book The Sports Gene . It is a fascinating quick read. If you're interested in sports and science, it will enthrall you.  I finished it in three days. Epstein's point is that far more of an athlete's performance is due to genetics than due to the so-called "10,000 hour" rule promulgated by books such as Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin (both which are very good). The 10,000 hour rule states that any person can reach expert level of performance in a sport if they devote 10,000 hours of deliberate and intentional practice.  That's a lot of hours. Most people aren't capable of anywhere close. And that's precisely Epstein's point. Someone who devotes 10,000 hours of sport-specific practice is likely genetically gifted for the sport in extraordinary ways AND genetically gifted in their ability to persevere and benefit from practice. Therefore, a person who can pra

Unsolvable Problems in Marriage I: Lowering Expectations

Different expectations of conflict From a recent Facebook post: Working on a post about unsolvable problems in marriage: For those who have been married five or more years, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much expectation did you have entering into marriage that communication could resolve any conflict between you and your spouse? How would you rate that expectation now? People often enter into marriage thinking that most if not all their conflicts can be resolved. Women come into marriage thinking "I can make my husband a better man". Men come into marriage thinking, "My wife will learn to see things my way". This idealistic view of marriage does not survive contact with the enemy. Even for couples for whom the first years of marriage are conflict-free, raising children is its own brand of unsolvable problem. And then there's sickness and mental health issues, job changes, unemployment, moving, and shifts in friendships. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. A number