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Breaking up with my smartphone

(My take on a popular meme)

Everywhere I look, people are in relationships. They gaze into the unwavering eyes of their significant other. They fixate over their companion while walking in the day. In the evening, their faces gleam from the glow of romance. A month ago, I took the plunge and joined them.

I got a smartphone.

She was my first and we dated for 30 days. She was good to me. She helped me arrange my appointments. She was great with my kids. And she kept me in the loop with everything going on. We played a lot of games together too (Bloons TD 5). Good times.

But there were downsides. I never imagined dating someone so high-maintenance. I felt like I had to check in with her at all times. She constantly demanded my attention. The worst thing is she made ME feel like I was the needy one.

I couldn't believe how quickly she would get drained. I could hang with my old pals for days on end. But with her, after an hour of games, she was completely useless and needed to be recharged. I felt like I couldn't go far from home otherwise she might collapse on me. It happened a couple times. I so wanted her to be there for me when I needed her most but she left me hanging instead.

Things got worse. She almost took my children away. When I came home, my kids were more excited to see her than me. She would have a blast playing games with them, get exhausted, and then have no energy left for our relationship. She was like a drug. Attending to her was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. And of course we slept together. I didn't mean for things to progress so quickly. Everything just happened so fast.

I knew it was time to break up when she started cutting off conversations with my friends. I knew it wouldn't be an easy decision and she didn't take it well but with the support of some good buddies, I ended the relationship.

See you around, my Moto X-girlfriend*

Then one day, I was driving and we got in an argument. I was so distracted that I drove off the edge of a cliff and died. And now I'm writing from the other side to tell you that smartphones are evil and that you should never get in a relationship with one otherwise you'll end up being killed like me.

* I got the Moto X because my wife and I were paying Verizon $90 a month for two dumb phones and I found out I could get a phone with data for much cheaper than that. I switched to Republic Wireless for $10 a month (unlimited calling/text, unlimited data wifi-only, 30-day money back guarantee) but they use Sprint's network, which dropped calls in my area all the time. I never dropped a call with Verizon, so I switched to Page Plus, which uses Verizon's network and has a $12 plan (250 min, 250 txts) and now I'm back to my dumb old long-battery lived LG Cosmo II. You thought you were getting a moral fable about technology but you got a commercial instead.

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