Skip to main content

5 Steps to Judge People

I totally judge people. I’ve tried really hard most of my life not to judge people. I mean, Jesus said not to do it. I've also seen so much unintentionally damaging effects of criticism and negative judgment. I’ve done it often myself. I know when I offer feedback I'm not setting out to condemn but that’s exactly how it’s experienced by the recipient.  Therefore, I want to share five steps I’ve learned to steer my observations and interpretations away from condemnation and criticism and towards encouragement and support.

1) Acknowledge your judgmental attitude and thoughts: After all these years of trying to suppress my feelings of judgment and condemnation, I now recognize it doesn’t work. Simply repeating “Stop judging” to myself doesn’t help. My judgmental thoughts don’t go away simply because I want them to. So I have learned to own them, acknowledge them, and confess them before God and it helps move beyond just hearing and being paralyzed by these negative and critical voices. In essence, I’m saying to myself “Look, judgmental and critical part of me, I hear you but I don’t have to obey your voice”. 

2) Apply your standard for this person to yourself first: On a plane flight a couple years ago, I sat next to a young woman who, upon finding out I was a pastor, told me about her negative experiences with Christians. She said she didn’t understand why Christians “judged” since the Bible was clear that you’re not supposed to judge (i.e. condemn people for their actions). I told her she was reading the verse out of context. Here’s the passage, taken from the Sermon on the Mount:

Matthew 7:1-6 Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, Let me take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

The first verse is often quoted out of context as a blanket admonition not to judge others at all, at any time. That is absolutely not the point. Jesus often used hyperbole to drive a point home. If you keep reading, the premise of this passage is to take care in HOW we judge others. The standard we apply to other people will be applied to us. Therefore, make sure you take care of your side of the street BEFORE you start telling people how to take of theirs. This has been repackaged as common wisdom in so many places, most recently Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life - Rule #6: Set Your House in Perfect Order Before You Criticize the World. 

“You have no clue what it’s like to drive. Please stop.” Those are the words I spoke to my 14-year old son, who has never been behind the wheel of a car, when he criticized my 16-year old son’s recent driving test score sheet (he passed). I need to remind myself of the very same thing when I judge someone whose situation I’ve never been in. 

3) Trust God has a gift for you from this person:  Consider this: Your judgment of the person might be wrong. Each person has his/her own demons. And yet there are some things about the person you don’t know. Once I acknowledge my negative thoughts, I don’t fight them and I look for something positive instead to pursue. I recognize my limitations in understanding people and trust that God has something meaningful to teach me about Himself through the gift of this person.

And so I say to myself, “Maybe I’m wrong about this person, maybe he/she is not as superficial, passive, needy, or broken as I perceive. Maybe there’s more to this person’s story than I understand.”

4) Strategically encourage: This is crucial. I assume many Christians have explicitly or implicitly condemned another person regarding their behavior. The fear of being shamed is a potent force. Even when judgement isn’t expressed, people who have experienced past condemnation tend to be extremely fearful. In moments where someone expresses a vulnerability, it’s also helpful to wonder aloud how they may have been subjected to judgement like "I imagine you have experienced times where people looked down on you”. Therefore, I  decide to do the opposite and give specific encouragement. 

I say to myself “Hey, let's try to be different here and write a different script. This person demonstrated courage in sharing something hidden with me, how I can affirm that?”

5) Consider you may be right in your judgment and yet also miss something significant about the other person: People often judge me for being blunt, critical, tactless, and cruel. If they assess I have a heart problem based on my unfiltered tongue, they would be 100% accurate. And yet if they don’t know me, they might miss a some facts: First, that I frequently mourn the relational wreckage my reactiveness has caused. Second, my experience of my dad during early childhood was criticism and emotional absence. Third, I have two unfortunate aspects of my parents’ personalities - my dad’s observant and analytical mind that notices everything negative and my mom’s volatile temperament. People who know me also know I’m my own worst critic.

So I say to myself: “There’s far more to this person than his observed behavior and the supposed heart behind it. There’s an intricate story about this person that is way bigger than him and what I see. This story involves generations, circumstances, and survival. I see this person only dimly. God, would you bring clarity on how you see him, how you see me, and most of all, clarity on your love for both of us”. 

Comments

  1. Thanks, Fred. This was so timely for me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The site is very interesting, I am very Happy to find your blog. Much obliged to you for thinking about your substance.
    online best game Gold Diggers Adventure Game Break The Cup free game Toon Cup 2017

    ReplyDelete
  3. You must be a kind people because you share your knowledge through articles.I think that you deserve compliments for your posts.I love putting together useful information, this particular publish has got me personally a lot more info
    Blocky Rabbit Tower free game Def Island Real Flight Simulator game for kids

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Dad's Review of Passport 2 Purity

[3,100 words, 11 minute read] The sex talk is one of the most dreaded conversations parents anticipate having with their children. To make things easier, an entire industry exists to help parents with sex education. Dozens of books have been written to help parents navigate this treacherous topic with their progeny. One of the best known among evangelicals is called the Passport 2 Purity Getaway package . It is produced by FamilyLife, a division of Cru (former Campus Crusade for Christ) and consists of a five lecture CD package including a journal and exercises designed as a weekend retreat for a pre-pubescent child and his/her parent(s). Passport 2 Purity was not my initiative. Our trip came about because Judy had heard from several home-schooling mom friends how they had taken their daughters on a road trip to go through the CDs. She even heard how a mom took a trip with husband and two sons to through the curriculum. So a couple months ago, Judy suggested we take our two older boy

A Man's Review of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk

Van Epp’s RAM Model helps men set the pace in dating relationships When a man learns ballroom dance, he takes the lead and his partner follows. If he’s dancing the tango, he maintains a strong frame - right elbow up, straight posture, and a firm but gentle hand cupping his partner’s shoulder blade. Once the music starts, he moves in rhythm with the beat and takes decisive steps. He sets the pace. John Van Epp’s classic tome, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk is a ballroom dance guide for dating. It’s written to help men and women to determine the right tempo to pace their dating relationship. Though the book does not specifically address men, this Art of Manliness interview with Van Epp does. General relationship books are often addressed primarily to women, as evidenced by “jerk” in the title, which is a gendered term for men. In spite of the title, the book offers a road map for how men can lead in a dating relationship. There’s a strong case for affirming traditional

Why Asians Run Slower

My brother got me David Epstein's book The Sports Gene . It is a fascinating quick read. If you're interested in sports and science, it will enthrall you.  I finished it in three days. Epstein's point is that far more of an athlete's performance is due to genetics than due to the so-called "10,000 hour" rule promulgated by books such as Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin (both which are very good). The 10,000 hour rule states that any person can reach expert level of performance in a sport if they devote 10,000 hours of deliberate and intentional practice.  That's a lot of hours. Most people aren't capable of anywhere close. And that's precisely Epstein's point. Someone who devotes 10,000 hours of sport-specific practice is likely genetically gifted for the sport in extraordinary ways AND genetically gifted in their ability to persevere and benefit from practice. Therefore, a person who can pra