Skip to main content

On the Death of Small Talk

I have much to be grateful for in the past year (job, family, and health), and yet I frequently counsel people not to minimize their disappointment by comparing themselves with others so I'm going to follow my own advice. I want to share a specific disappointment regarding planting Quicksilver Church this past year. 

It is the death of small talk.

Small talk is what happens when you're standing in line at the grocery store or when you walk into a Starbucks and don't have to shout multiple times for your order to be understood through a mask. With COVID, small talk has been mostly choked out. I miss the time and space to discuss trivial topics such as clothing, sports, and weather. I miss observing elements of a shared environment - to gaze out on a majestic landscape, to take in the aroma of barbeque, and to pause together while a plane passes overhead (which seems to happen less and less frequently. 

In my twenties, I would poo-poo small talk and take pride in my ability to ask deep and probing questions upon meeting someone. And then in my thirties, people in their twenties would do the same with me and I would think, "Whoa, I need some time to warm up. I don't know if you're safe yet.” Now in my forties, I place a higher value on small talk. 

When I served at Garden City, it was a joke among the staff not to ask me to do anything on Sundays because the only thing I could stay focused on was talking to people. And since I wasn't usually teaching, I made it a point to greet as many newcomers as possible and connect with people on the periphery. Invariably this meant making small talk. Having these conversations about insignificant topics always led to significant details about a person's life or a subsequent meaningful conversation. In the days after, I might follow up with an email, phone call, or text. In other instances, a person might do the same with me. 

Small talk within the Quicksilver community hasn't happened often in the past nine months. We had three in-person Sunday gatherings in November and they were both stressful and wondrous. One benefit of in-person gatherings is to be reminded of someone's face; to encounter someone you might not otherwise go out of your way to be around. After all, no one wants to jump on a Zoom call and make small talk. And small talk itself doesn't carry enough relational horsepower to overcome the weight of initiating a virtual call. And yet these seemingly insignificant conversations pave the way for weightier topics. They create time and space for life features to gradually emerge rather than forcing them to surface. 

The result of this year's death of small talk is a disconnection from the people I'm called to shepherd. I know people are going through all kinds of pain and I feel powerless to intervene. I allow myself to feel disappointment and anger. I lower my expectations but I do not lose hope. 

I am confident that small talk will be resurrected in the coming year. It may not look exactly the same as before. I want to mourn well the death of small talk so I can be better prepared for what God has in store for us. I know He is infinitely creative and knows and provides for our needs. I have hope in Christ that the church universal and Quicksilver as a local manifestation of His kingdom will find old and new ways to connect and live out the command to love one another.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Dad's Review of Passport 2 Purity

[3,100 words, 11 minute read] The sex talk is one of the most dreaded conversations parents anticipate having with their children. To make things easier, an entire industry exists to help parents with sex education. Dozens of books have been written to help parents navigate this treacherous topic with their progeny. One of the best known among evangelicals is called the Passport 2 Purity Getaway package . It is produced by FamilyLife, a division of Cru (former Campus Crusade for Christ) and consists of a five lecture CD package including a journal and exercises designed as a weekend retreat for a pre-pubescent child and his/her parent(s). Passport 2 Purity was not my initiative. Our trip came about because Judy had heard from several home-schooling mom friends how they had taken their daughters on a road trip to go through the CDs. She even heard how a mom took a trip with husband and two sons to through the curriculum. So a couple months ago, Judy suggested we take our two older boy...
24 comments
Read more

Asian American Divorce Rate

I can't find recent data. Most of the stuff is at least five years old but by these estimates, the Asian American divorce rate is about 5%. I've got research from 2002 , 2008 for Asian Americans, and 2008 for Chinese Americans. The latest census data do not break out by race. In any case, a 5% divorce rate is about half the national average. Less divorce is a good thing. I would imagine that divorce does not bode well for personal fulfillment and many studies have shown it has a negative impact on children (too lazy to cite all the sources here). Of course, as one source argues, a lower divorce rate does not equate to a healthy marriage. There can be all kinds of abuse, dysfunction, and strife within marriage. All in all though, a lower divorce rate is one advantage of late marriage for Asian American men (and women). However, I believe a lower divorce rate is correlated with later marriage and there is no causation between the two. People who tend to be conservative, ...
4 comments
Read more

Why Asians Run Slower

My brother got me David Epstein's book The Sports Gene . It is a fascinating quick read. If you're interested in sports and science, it will enthrall you.  I finished it in three days. Epstein's point is that far more of an athlete's performance is due to genetics than due to the so-called "10,000 hour" rule promulgated by books such as Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin (both which are very good). The 10,000 hour rule states that any person can reach expert level of performance in a sport if they devote 10,000 hours of deliberate and intentional practice.  That's a lot of hours. Most people aren't capable of anywhere close. And that's precisely Epstein's point. Someone who devotes 10,000 hours of sport-specific practice is likely genetically gifted for the sport in extraordinary ways AND genetically gifted in their ability to persevere and benefit from practice. Therefore, a person who can pra...
4 comments
Read more