Skip to main content

Is hookup culture destroying love? Part I


The title of this recent article is “Is online dating destroying love?” but the article is really asking whether hookup culture is destroying love. Online dating is merely one of the many forums where today's sexual patterns are expressed.

England is a leading indicator of American societal trends. We’re 5-10 years behind Europe as far as cultural change. Christianity is dying in Europe and we’re seeing signs of that death here in the U.S. And the coinciding loss of Christian morality is not without consequence.

Let’s define some terms. Sex, in this context, means sex acts between a man and woman. Love, in this context, means commitment in all it’s aspects – temporal, emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, etc. By my definition, a healthy and lasting marriage is the highest form of love.

Hookup culture is a pattern of physical intimacy with various partners involving little or no emotional attachment. Boy meets girl at club/bar/frat party/coffee shop. Words are exchanged. Boy and girl make out in said venue (OK maybe not Starbucks). Boy and girl leave club. Fluids are exchanged. Later, girl texts boy. Boy ignores text. Rinse, substitute different boy or girl, then repeat.

Essentially, hook-up culture is sex without love. Here are some of the other names for the hook-up culture: one-night stands, friends with benefits, and booty calls. People have sex with various people as a completely separate activity from love.

Online dating sites make it easy for people to hook up. In the article, sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann writes “there was now a vast hyper market for love and/or sex, in which everyone was both a buyer and a seller who openly stated what they wanted and tried to satisfy their needs as efficiently as possible.”

There are two ways hookup culture hurts our society: 1) rewards the worst men and punishes everyone else 2) undermines marriage (love) and child-rearing. We’ll examine the first one in this post.

Not surprisingly, women are unhappy with the hook-up carousel. And yet many women keep jumping on. In line with the claims of feminism, they are exercising their right to pleasure. And this pursuit leads women towards to a certain type of man. According to Kaufman, women are sexually attracted to Alpha males – confident, aloof, tough “bad boys”. But what makes a man sexually attractive is often inversely correlated with his ability to commit and provide for a family. The bottom line is women want to marry nice guys but want to have sex with bastards. And as the article points out, women on the hook-up carousel are shocked when they discover all the men they’ve slept with are bastards.

Men are somewhat satisfied with being bastards. Well, the Alpha males are because they’re the ones doing the bastarding and getting rewarded for their efforts. And it’s certainly not all their fault. The system rewards bastards. Rather, it’s the nice guys who suffer. Their mothers and female friends told them that if they treat a woman well – make eye contact, listen, and open the door for a girl, that that will help them meet the love of their life. Which is a complete crock because 99% of women aren’t attracted to that.

So to sum up the consequences of hookup culture on each gender: women get what they want and are disappointed, nice guys get nothing, and jerks get everything they asked for. Good times for a few, bad and lonely times for everyone else.

Sounds like love is taking quite the beating. More about love (marriage) in part II.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Dad's Review of Passport 2 Purity

[3,100 words, 11 minute read] The sex talk is one of the most dreaded conversations parents anticipate having with their children. To make things easier, an entire industry exists to help parents with sex education. Dozens of books have been written to help parents navigate this treacherous topic with their progeny. One of the best known among evangelicals is called the Passport 2 Purity Getaway package . It is produced by FamilyLife, a division of Cru (former Campus Crusade for Christ) and consists of a five lecture CD package including a journal and exercises designed as a weekend retreat for a pre-pubescent child and his/her parent(s). Passport 2 Purity was not my initiative. Our trip came about because Judy had heard from several home-schooling mom friends how they had taken their daughters on a road trip to go through the CDs. She even heard how a mom took a trip with husband and two sons to through the curriculum. So a couple months ago, Judy suggested we take our two older boy

Why Asians Run Slower

My brother got me David Epstein's book The Sports Gene . It is a fascinating quick read. If you're interested in sports and science, it will enthrall you.  I finished it in three days. Epstein's point is that far more of an athlete's performance is due to genetics than due to the so-called "10,000 hour" rule promulgated by books such as Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin (both which are very good). The 10,000 hour rule states that any person can reach expert level of performance in a sport if they devote 10,000 hours of deliberate and intentional practice.  That's a lot of hours. Most people aren't capable of anywhere close. And that's precisely Epstein's point. Someone who devotes 10,000 hours of sport-specific practice is likely genetically gifted for the sport in extraordinary ways AND genetically gifted in their ability to persevere and benefit from practice. Therefore, a person who can pra

Unsolvable Problems in Marriage I: Lowering Expectations

Different expectations of conflict From a recent Facebook post: Working on a post about unsolvable problems in marriage: For those who have been married five or more years, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much expectation did you have entering into marriage that communication could resolve any conflict between you and your spouse? How would you rate that expectation now? People often enter into marriage thinking that most if not all their conflicts can be resolved. Women come into marriage thinking "I can make my husband a better man". Men come into marriage thinking, "My wife will learn to see things my way". This idealistic view of marriage does not survive contact with the enemy. Even for couples for whom the first years of marriage are conflict-free, raising children is its own brand of unsolvable problem. And then there's sickness and mental health issues, job changes, unemployment, moving, and shifts in friendships. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. A number