Rant of the Exiles

  Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash This is the third part in a series on unsolvable problems in marriage. Here are links to Part I and Part II . Part III addresses how to articulate one's needs when it comes to marital gridlock. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work defines marital gridlock as perpetual conflicts over personality and value differences. We're bombarded by messages in our culture that communication solves relationship problems. But I suspect many of us, particularly men, ask ourselves: "What is the purpose of conversation? We talk a lot, it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes I wish we could just enjoy being with each other rather than airing our problems." Questions shape how we see and experience the world. If one sees the primary goal of communication as solving problems, then talking can trigger fear, sadness, and anger when we don’t detect progress, our needs aren’t being met, and every conversation is a ham...

Different expectations of conflict From a recent Facebook post: Working on a post about unsolvable problems in marriage: For those who have been married five or more years, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much expectation did you have entering into marriage that communication could resolve any conflict between you and your spouse? How would you rate that expectation now? People often enter into marriage thinking that most if not all their conflicts can be resolved. Women come into marriage thinking "I can make my husband a better man". Men come into marriage thinking, "My wife will learn to see things my way". This idealistic view of marriage does not survive contact with the enemy. Even for couples for whom the first years of marriage are conflict-free, raising children is its own brand of unsolvable problem. And then there's sickness and mental health issues, job changes, unemployment, moving, and shifts in friendships. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. A number ...

Initial logo courtesy of Bach Nguyen I had hoped to announce the name of the church plant during service this Sunday at Garden City. That won’t happen so this is a virtual announcement.  We are Quicksilver Church. In 1989, my parents bought a home near New Almaden , in the one of the most southern reaches of San Jose. I never understood why it was called “New” because the area felt decidedly old, run-down, and rural. The original Almaden is a town and municipality in Spain, about 200 miles south of Madrid. The mercury deposits of Almaden, Spain account for the largest quantity of liquid mercury metal produced in the world.  New Almaden, on the other hand, is aptly named for the location of the oldest and most productive mercury mine in the United States. Mercury, also known as quicksilver, was mined extensively during the California Gold Rush beginning in 1848. Mercury is used to recover tiny pieces of gold mixed in soil and sediments. Mercury and gold settle t...

Photo by  Michelle Jimenez  on  Unsplash Exactly nine years ago, my boss, friend, and mentor, Justin Buzzard, began planting Garden City Church and posted Top 10 Reasons NOT to Join a Church Plant . I thought it might be fun to share my own top 10 list. Like the church plant itself, which will be a Garden City daughter church, my top 10 list replicates much of the thinking in Justin’s list and extends it to the church plant’s unique context.  Do not join a church plant if . . . 1. Your personal dream for the church plant supersedes your love for other believers. “Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer in Life Together . This applies to every church, in its infancy or otherwise, and yet church plants are tempted by the idealism of its members, and th...

In a post that I have now removed, I made an analogy between therapy and prostitution. I  apologize for the hurt it caused. The analogy was intentionally absurd and offensive. A friend asked me what lessons I learned from the response to the post. Here are several notable ones plus an explanation of what I was trying to do: First, I believe therapy is extremely helpful. My life has been changed for the better through interactions with my therapist. My marriage is stronger and my relationship with my kids healthier because of work I did in therapy. Over the past fifteen years, I’ve recommended and seen dozens of people benefit from therapy. As I’ve noted elsewhere, I had no intention of disparaging therapy though I recognize that contradicts the repugnancy of the comparison. Second, it hurts to be misunderstood. I could sense the outrage behind some of the responses because commenters perceived I misunderstood therapy and in doing so, misunderstood their experience and misun...

I recently taught my kids about the power of compounding . It’s a finance term that refers to the exponential growth of an investment. You invest a small sum of money which earns an annual return that is re-invested and over time, accumulates into a large sum. Compounding has a  snowball effect . The chart above demonstrates how saving the exact amount but starting ten years earlier can make a huge difference. Emily contributes 33% more than Dave but ends up with twice as much wealth because of the additional time her money has spent compounding. Finance bloggers extend the principle of compounding to other areas of life . One example is mountain biking . They write about how a skill can be broken down into various incremental steps or sub-skills. Working on one sub-skill at a time generates a compounding effect. I have been playing basketball for over thirty years. My body has deteriorated in the past decade but I’ve continued to work on my skill set. In my teens, I played as o...

An awkward Asian American intellectual reflects on being a missionary exile in East Oakland Russell Jeung’s new book is called At Home in Exile: Finding Jesus among My Ancestors & Refugee Neighbors . An alternate title could have been "Nerdy Asianz in the Hood". Make no mistake about it - Russell Jeung is a nerd. He absolutely fits the model minority stereotype. How to tell? Exhibit A: When you graduate from world-renown Lowell High School in San Francisco, get a bachelor’s and master’s degree from Stanford University, and then later obtain a PhD from UC Berkeley. Check those boxes for Jeung. He now works as a sociology professor at San Francisco State University. I met Jeung for the first time at his book launch. Exhibit B: When you are decidedly unimposing physically. Jeung doesn’t wear glasses but his look fits the nerd mold. He is rail thin and doesn’t appear to do any strength training. His body language is awkward and although a fluid public speaker...

Our church theme for this year is Come Follow Me. It's the first three words of Jesus's statement in Matthew 4:19 - Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men.  In a message by Jim Putman on discipleship , he talks about this verse. Following Jesus means transformation. Before meeting him, the disciples were fishers of fish but after encountering the carpenter, they will become fishers of men. Their identity will change.  Pastors and church leaders often encourage involvement in programs such as small groups, bible studies, and worship services. We do this to help people become disciples. Our language can imply relationships are the means for spiritual maturity. If you join this group or do this activity, you will grow spiritually. If you lead a bible study, it will grow you spiritually. If you serve other people, you will grow spiritually.  But Jesus never indicates relationships are the vehicle for spiritual maturity. They are not the side show, they...

How God invented the triad I hate leadership books. They remind me of everything I should be doing as a leader but not doing today. I feel guilty, insecure, and ashamed after reading them. So when a friend of mine recommended checking out  Tribal Leadership , I balked. But I finally got around to reading it and the book is awesome because it's completely about Jesus, though he's never mentioned by name. Language matters:  The premise of the book is that tribes are groups of about 20-150 people and each tribe has a culture that can be categorized in stages. The key insight to the three authors' research is each stage is defined by its culture and the culture is defined by language. That's the key to making the book work - listen to how people talk about their company, their group, their church and you can determine what type of culture they participate in and what stage of leadership they're at. Stage One: Life sucks  ==> "Everything th...