Rant of the Exiles

A friend at church and I were talking about dating. She met her current boyfriend on the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel. She observed there were a significant number of church members who had met each other on the app but had not previously met or gotten know one another through our church. She said: Men don’t initiate. Men are stupid.  I don’t think men are stupid. I don’t think people are stupid. I think people, for the most part, behave rationally. Let’s take a food analogy. Before processed food, people had to spend time making and preparing a roast beef sandwich for lunch. They needed fresh meat, bread, and condiments. And then they had to assemble and eat it the same day. Today, people eat a tremendous amount of processed food. For example, Lunchables are easy, convenient, and last forever. You don’t have to make them, you don’t have to package them, and they taste good. By many metrics, Lunchables are nutritious. However, it’s becoming increasingly apparent tha...

*Spoiler alert” This review is full of spoilers. Watch the movie first. Sometimes you watch a movie and it feels like coming home. No, not coming home to the palatial mansion Nick Young spent his childhood in but the familiar refuge of people who get you - who understand and accept your idiosyncrasies and love you regardless.  What makes Jon M. Chu’s Crazy Rich Asians movie so enjoyable is the subtle and over-the-top ways it captures the diversity and nuance of Chinese culture. Nothing speaks home more than food and music. Cuisine plays a pivotal role in the film, and though most of the characters are absurdly affluent, the night market food scene and dumpling-making scene resonated strongly with me. Those moments were relatable on many levels. Asians of all socioeconomic classes are familiar with night markets and sitting around a table making dumplings. Food is comfort and the ultimate nostalgia. I’m reminded of Pixar’s Ratatouille, when callous food critic Anton Ego ...

Update: What I learned after writing this.  What does the outsized willingness of Asian American women to date interracially reveal about courage vis-a-vis their male counterparts? It’s well-documented that Asian American women date and marry outside their race far more often than their male counterparts. Most estimate around a 2:1 ratio but I’ve read up to 4:1.   Weike Wang’s New Yorker short story perfectly captures the power asymmetry in Asian female-white male dating relationships with this memorable line: "So it was settled. The big question of why he was dating her was out of the way. Her Chineseness was not a factor. They were merely one out of a billion or so Asian girl–white guy couples walking around on this earth.” ONE BILLION Asian girl - white guy couples. That’s certainly what it feels like in the San Francisco bay area and other urban centers like New York City, where her story is set. It’s a trend I observed in my high school over two de...

Kevin Kwan’s 2013 book, Crazy Rich Asians , tells a modern tale of the ultra-rich Chinese diaspora in Singapore. The novel has now been made into a movie coming out August 17th that stars Constance Wu of Fresh off the Boat fame. The book follows three families - the Youngs, T’siens, and Shangs. The central protagonists are Nick Young and his girlfriend, Rachel Chu. Nick is from an old money, ultra-rich Singaporean Chinese family. Rachel is an American-born Chinese (ABC) who grew up middle-class in Cupertino and has no clue about Nick’s family background.  They’re both professors at NYU which is where they meet and begin dating. The plot of the book surrounds Rachel’s visit to Singapore, being initiated into Nick’s ultra-rich family (who  have  no idea she exists), and the hijinks that ensue.  One enjoyable and unique thing about the book is the sprinkling of Malay, Mandarin, and Cantonese phrases in dialogue throughout. It’s classic Chinglish. That’s ...

What non-biographical, nonfiction books authored by women have you read? “I want to read some books written by women” said my pastor buddy, who was talking about goals for his sabbatical. He talked about how his literary worldview had been almost exclusively shaped by men and it was a huge deficit he wanted to address. To that end, I’ve noticed when I ask female readers what they read, almost invariably they tell me fiction. When I ask male readers what they read, it’s usually more of a mix - both fiction and non-fiction. And I’ve noticed when it comes to fiction, women will read both male and female authors. But men, whether they read fiction or non-fiction, will read exclusively male authors. Men will always recommend male authors and I can’t remember the last time anyone, male or female, recommended a non-fiction book written by a woman.  I think most men, me included, tend to believe non-fiction books written by women are intended for a female audience. There are...

I judge fat people.  I assume they’re lazy and weak-willed. I want to bring attention to their obesity in case they weren’t yet aware. I’m tempted to lecture them about obesity’s effect on our health care system. I want to remind fat people of the statistics - I’m especially critical of fat people who frequent fast food restaurants. I want to ask “Are you sure you want to be here? Do you really want to super-size that?” America is a free country but I will absolutely judge the diet of fat people. I also don’t want to sit next to a fat person on the plane. I recall a news story about Samoan airlines charging customers not by seat but by pound. I remember thinking how novel and practical an idea that was. Being of Asian descent is also a disadvantage in accepting larger people. Relative to white people , I am a small, skinny Asian dude and my body type is normative for Asians. I am genetically predisposed against gaining weigh...

I love DJ Khaled’s "I’m the One". The pop saccharine tune with a chorus of big names (Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance, and Lil’ Wayne) is simple, catchy, has a great rhythm, and an obvious meaning. Bieber croons: Hear you’re sick of all those imitators Don’t let the only real one intimidate ya And there ’ s  a very succinct boast from  Quavo: I make your dreams come true when you wake up   Make no mistake - “I’m the One” is 100% male braggadocio. Feminist anthems are essentially male ballads. Except in a male ballad the man brags about himself without ever saying he’s a man whereas in a feminist anthem, the woman brags about herself by making repeated and explicit references to her womanhood.  Male ballads have been around since like forever. I’m sure there was some caveman who was trying to woo his prospective wife by making up a song and came up with the male ballad. Evolutionary psychology...

The full text of what she says: Inside every overweight woman is a woman she knows she can be. Many times you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize your own self, because you got lost - buried - in the weight that you carry. Nothing you've ever been through is wasted. So every time I tried and failed, every time I tried again, and every time I tried again, has brought me to this most powerful moment - to say:   "If not now, when?" I feel that way and I know millions of other people feel that way. Are you ready? Let's do this together. Let me first acknowledge that Oprah does not proclaim the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. That's the sina qua non of preaching the gospel. And yet there are more gospel redemptive elements of Oprah's ad than most thirty-forty minute sermons. In addition, Oprah is able to move our hearts in a way most sermons won't - and the fact she can do that in sixty seconds is incredible.   Note...

I enjoy confrontation but my emotional reactiveness can often get in the way of being helpful. This article  by Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach, is an example of effective communication and its limits. He is passionate, logical, and empathetic in making his point. And yet even the most helpful communication will fail when the hearer doesn't want to understand. Effective Communication What I admire about Katz is his ability to call a woman out on her issues in a way that is sensitive, compassionate, and rational and yet makes his point forcefully and clearly. I wish I could do that. This woman complains to Katz that her boyfriend doesn't think she's as beautiful as Angelina Jolie. It's not a comment he made in passing or because he was dissatisfied with her looks - it's something she brought up with him - likely when they were watching a movie and he made some comment praising Jolie's looks. The woman then asks if her boyfriend's inability t...