Rant of the Exiles

  Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash This is the third part in a series on unsolvable problems in marriage. Here are links to Part I and Part II . Part III addresses how to articulate one's needs when it comes to marital gridlock. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work defines marital gridlock as perpetual conflicts over personality and value differences. We're bombarded by messages in our culture that communication solves relationship problems. But I suspect many of us, particularly men, ask ourselves: "What is the purpose of conversation? We talk a lot, it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes I wish we could just enjoy being with each other rather than airing our problems." Questions shape how we see and experience the world. If one sees the primary goal of communication as solving problems, then talking can trigger fear, sadness, and anger when we don’t detect progress, our needs aren’t being met, and every conversation is a ham...

A single friend in his early 20s asked for examples of dating milestones based on the previous post . He understood what not to do much better than he understood what to do. As often is the case for ambiguous topics, it’s often easier to define the negative rather than prescribe the positive. And in giving prescriptions, there’s a backlash because not all <fill in the blank> are like that, there’s individual personalities and background, and then there’s situational context. Given all this, I will still attempt to bring clarity to dating milestones.  Possible dating milestones: Here is a list of dating milestones that I recall in sequence for how my relationship with my wife progressed. We met in college through the ministry of a campus Christian group, now known as Cru. College is such a great place to meet people: similar intelligence and work ethic, often similar backgrounds, shared interests, lots of free time, and no adult supervision or responsibilities. The following ...

Van Epp’s RAM Model helps men set the pace in dating relationships When a man learns ballroom dance, he takes the lead and his partner follows. If he’s dancing the tango, he maintains a strong frame - right elbow up, straight posture, and a firm but gentle hand cupping his partner’s shoulder blade. Once the music starts, he moves in rhythm with the beat and takes decisive steps. He sets the pace. John Van Epp’s classic tome, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk is a ballroom dance guide for dating. It’s written to help men and women to determine the right tempo to pace their dating relationship. Though the book does not specifically address men, this Art of Manliness interview with Van Epp does. General relationship books are often addressed primarily to women, as evidenced by “jerk” in the title, which is a gendered term for men. In spite of the title, the book offers a road map for how men can lead in a dating relationship. There’s a strong case for affirming traditional...

I remember seeing my primary care physician a number of years ago for my annual physical. It had been years since my last exam. My doctor told me men see him for one of three reasons: One, a woman - a man's significant other, mom, or sister - made them. Two, they’re experiencing chronic and debilitating pain. Basically, they’re in a world of unrelenting hurt. Finally, they’re dealing with a condition that threatens their manhood (i.e. erectile dysfunction). I was in the first camp as my wife made me. In general, men resist seeing a doctor almost as much as they resist seeing a therapist. Therapy has less of a stigma for young men than earlier generations. According to this articl e, there appears to be about 2:1 female to male ratio of those who go to therapy. Why is it so difficult for men to seek therapy? Here are five possible reasons: Men fear exhibiting weakness: Though less true today, going to therapy is viewed as weakness as men tend to experience shame when asking for ...

My dad and I in Southorn Playground When I was a kid, one of my enduring memories of my dad was lectures he gave my brother and me about his impoverished upbringing. He would regale us with tales of how hard he worked to gain entrance into National Taiwan University, make it to America, obtain a master’s degree, get a job at IBM, become a successful project manager, and then own an expensive home in Almaden Valley. I have not so fond memories of sitting there in guilt and shame as he described to my brother and me the circumstances he overcame because of his diligent work ethic. That was an enduring paternal narrative of my childhood. Unlike his immigrant peers, he didn’t put as much pressure on me or my brother to succeed but he was extremely critical of us and quick to point all the advantages we grow up with that he did not.  And then when I was around 13 years old, my dad became a follower of Jesus and his narrative gradually began to shift. It didn’t become apparent t...

The New York times ran an article covering a study about how the academic gender gap starts later in life for Asian American boys. The academic gender gap means, on average, girls outperform boys in school. The gap starts as early as kindergarten and continues into college. However, there’s one exception: Asian American boys keep up with Asian American girls throughout elementary and then begin to lag as a group during adolescence. The article explains: "[Boys] get the message that doing well in school is not masculine, social scientists say. Even in peer groups that prize good grades, it’s considered uncool to seem to try hard to earn them. Asian-American boys are somehow sheltered from that message in early childhood. The reasons could give parents and teachers information about how to help boys of all races reach their full potential." At my affluent suburban school in Silicon Valley, the social culture I was immersed in emphasized being smart being smart but not ...