Rant of the Exiles

  Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash This is the third part in a series on unsolvable problems in marriage. Here are links to Part I and Part II . Part III addresses how to articulate one's needs when it comes to marital gridlock. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work defines marital gridlock as perpetual conflicts over personality and value differences. We're bombarded by messages in our culture that communication solves relationship problems. But I suspect many of us, particularly men, ask ourselves: "What is the purpose of conversation? We talk a lot, it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes I wish we could just enjoy being with each other rather than airing our problems." Questions shape how we see and experience the world. If one sees the primary goal of communication as solving problems, then talking can trigger fear, sadness, and anger when we don’t detect progress, our needs aren’t being met, and every conversation is a ham...

Van Epp’s RAM Model helps men set the pace in dating relationships When a man learns ballroom dance, he takes the lead and his partner follows. If he’s dancing the tango, he maintains a strong frame - right elbow up, straight posture, and a firm but gentle hand cupping his partner’s shoulder blade. Once the music starts, he moves in rhythm with the beat and takes decisive steps. He sets the pace. John Van Epp’s classic tome, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk is a ballroom dance guide for dating. It’s written to help men and women to determine the right tempo to pace their dating relationship. Though the book does not specifically address men, this Art of Manliness interview with Van Epp does. General relationship books are often addressed primarily to women, as evidenced by “jerk” in the title, which is a gendered term for men. In spite of the title, the book offers a road map for how men can lead in a dating relationship. There’s a strong case for affirming traditional...

I often hear complaints from Asian American that roughly go like this: “I’m a victim of low self-esteem because of how my Asian immigrant parents shamed me during my childhood. The way forward is to resent my parents and their shaming tactics and to avoid shaming experiences in the future.” According to American's society’s leading shame popularizer, Brene Brown, shame is the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s not that this definition is 100% incorrect rather that it’s incomplete, vague, and subjective. It focuses only on the individual’s emotional experience of shame. Before shame became public emotional enemy #1, there were Asians. Eastern cultures have been centered around honor and shame for thousands of years. While it's likely that most Westerners have a different understanding of shame, the consequences for this knowledge gap are more severe for those who are bicult...

What non-biographical, nonfiction books authored by women have you read? “I want to read some books written by women” said my pastor buddy, who was talking about goals for his sabbatical. He talked about how his literary worldview had been almost exclusively shaped by men and it was a huge deficit he wanted to address. To that end, I’ve noticed when I ask female readers what they read, almost invariably they tell me fiction. When I ask male readers what they read, it’s usually more of a mix - both fiction and non-fiction. And I’ve noticed when it comes to fiction, women will read both male and female authors. But men, whether they read fiction or non-fiction, will read exclusively male authors. Men will always recommend male authors and I can’t remember the last time anyone, male or female, recommended a non-fiction book written by a woman.  I think most men, me included, tend to believe non-fiction books written by women are intended for a female audience. There are...

I love DJ Khaled’s "I’m the One". The pop saccharine tune with a chorus of big names (Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance, and Lil’ Wayne) is simple, catchy, has a great rhythm, and an obvious meaning. Bieber croons: Hear you’re sick of all those imitators Don’t let the only real one intimidate ya And there ’ s  a very succinct boast from  Quavo: I make your dreams come true when you wake up   Make no mistake - “I’m the One” is 100% male braggadocio. Feminist anthems are essentially male ballads. Except in a male ballad the man brags about himself without ever saying he’s a man whereas in a feminist anthem, the woman brags about herself by making repeated and explicit references to her womanhood.  Male ballads have been around since like forever. I’m sure there was some caveman who was trying to woo his prospective wife by making up a song and came up with the male ballad. Evolutionary psychology...