Rant of the Exiles

"The first thought I have about him is that he's awkward." I was talking to a single, female friend who made the above statement when I mentioned a single guy in our social circle. It led to an extended discussion about what exactly makes a guy awkward. Awkwardness seems to be the kiss of death when it comes to male attractiveness. Worse than the dreaded "he seems like a nice guy". But awkwardness is notoriously hard to pin down. Often, we can perceive someone as awkward when they don't respond as enthusiastically as we hope. Or they lapse into a silence that goes on longer than we sense appropriate. Or they may give terse responses. Or not make eye contact. Or make overly intense eye contact. Or fire questions off like an interrogation. Or we may simply experience a vague sense of discomfort when we're around them. One thing my friend and I determined about awkward people is that there's a temptation to do more of the conversational "heavy lift...

  Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash This is the third part in a series on unsolvable problems in marriage. Here are links to Part I and Part II . Part III addresses how to articulate one's needs when it comes to marital gridlock. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work defines marital gridlock as perpetual conflicts over personality and value differences. We're bombarded by messages in our culture that communication solves relationship problems. But I suspect many of us, particularly men, ask ourselves: "What is the purpose of conversation? We talk a lot, it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes I wish we could just enjoy being with each other rather than airing our problems." Questions shape how we see and experience the world. If one sees the primary goal of communication as solving problems, then talking can trigger fear, sadness, and anger when we don’t detect progress, our needs aren’t being met, and every conversation is a ham...

I have much to be grateful for in the past year (job, family, and health), and yet I frequently counsel people not to minimize their disappointment by comparing themselves with others so I'm going to follow my own advice. I want to share a specific disappointment regarding planting Quicksilver Church this past year.  It is the death of small talk. Small talk is what happens when you're standing in line at the grocery store or when you walk into a Starbucks and don't have to shout multiple times for your order to be understood through a mask. With COVID, small talk has been mostly choked out. I miss the time and space to discuss trivial topics such as clothing, sports, and weather. I miss observing elements of a shared environment - to gaze out on a majestic landscape, to take in the aroma of barbeque, and to pause together while a plane passes overhead (which seems to happen less and less frequently.  In my twenties, I would poo-poo small talk and take pride in my ability t...

This post is different from what I usually blog about as I have many friends with loved ones who are experiencing serious medical issues. In these situations, besides being present, it’s hard to know how to be helpful, especially when sitting in on conversations with doctors. My brother , who has been a practicing physician for twelve years, recommended a book that I found incredibly useful for facilitating conversations between doctors and patients. So whether you’re a patient or the loved one of a patient, here are my takeaways on how to communicate with your doctor from Jerome Groopman’s How Doctors Think :  1) The doctor wants to help: People tend to have a polarized view of doctors. On one hand, I’ve noticed people who have a deep mistrust of health care providers. They’ve had a past negative experience that casts a long shadow. They believe doctors are lazy, dismissive, condescending, and withhold crucial information. However, one study suggests up to 83% of diagnoses...

I did the memorial service of a friend in our church recently. He was seventy-three years old and died after a two month battle with cancer. He was a faithful servant in our church but my feelings towards him would often alternate between fear and frustration. He had a gruff demeanor that could be quite brusque and unapproachable.  A couple weeks before he died, I visited him at a skilled nursing facility in Saratoga. I was late finding him and caught him during his physical therapy session. I walked in and he looked up at me. He didn't say "Hello" or "It's great to see Fred" or even crack a smile. Instead, he said sternly: "I'm not ready for you right now. You can come back later." In anticipation of this kind of response, I did some work on my laptop while I waited for him outside his room.   My frustration with him concerned his lack of vulnerability. He wasn't open about his weaknesses, wasn't expressive with his emot...

The hurt map is the topography of all your pain. It is a panoramic picture of a lifetime of accumulated grief, loss, sadness, weakness, fear, and anger. Besides valleys of despair are vast deserts of loneliness. Whitewater rapids of confusion swirl next to steep ravines of disappointment. Dead-end trails of frustration wind through forests of conflict. And mountains of fear dominate the landscape. You flash back to your hurt map every time you encounter a similar geographical feature in real life. If you walk into a forest, you're taken into the forest of your hurt map. You're instantly transported to a place of conflict. You sniff the tension in the air, hear dead leaves crunching under your feet, and watch the trees pressing in. You don't choose to remember the hurt map - it just happens. Whatever feature the forest had in real life disappears and the forest of your hurt map becomes the bigger reality. And you fight or flee from that place of pain.  Each person...