Rant of the Exiles

"The first thought I have about him is that he's awkward." I was talking to a single, female friend who made the above statement when I mentioned a single guy in our social circle. It led to an extended discussion about what exactly makes a guy awkward. Awkwardness seems to be the kiss of death when it comes to male attractiveness. Worse than the dreaded "he seems like a nice guy". But awkwardness is notoriously hard to pin down. Often, we can perceive someone as awkward when they don't respond as enthusiastically as we hope. Or they lapse into a silence that goes on longer than we sense appropriate. Or they may give terse responses. Or not make eye contact. Or make overly intense eye contact. Or fire questions off like an interrogation. Or we may simply experience a vague sense of discomfort when we're around them. One thing my friend and I determined about awkward people is that there's a temptation to do more of the conversational "heavy lift...

The hardest question for a pastor and especially a church planter, to answer is: How is your church going? It is a common question. It is akin to: How are you doing? It is also a loaded question. There are so many ways to answer and so many layers depending on the interest level of the listener, the social context you’re in, and if you had an oversized burrito for lunch. If it's a dinner party with a litigation attorney you just met, a brief one-sentence response can suffice. If it's in front of a fire pit with a good friend over whiskey, a more in-depth explanation is appropriate. The most challenging context to answer this question is around other pastors and church planters. Most pastors are polite to recognize the implications of the question. We tend to recognize the insecurities that drift around this line of inquiry. Since there aren't that many vocational ministers running around, comparison is inevitable. The biggest fear is the dreaded: "How many people atte...

  Please don't take this poem the wrong way But narcissism is a gift when you're a leader A scoop of self-consuming tendencies  Can take your organization to the next level No more worrying about what other people think No need to listen to and receive feedback No more second-guessing yourself Every decision you make is right and good You'll sleep well at night knowing  It's always someone else's fault and never yours No more anxiety about the future or the past Because you own tomorrow as well as yesterday and today Rules and regulations are for other people Never forget that you’re the exception If you break a rule that might be meant for you You can always pretend you didn’t know Willful ignorance and good intentions Can justify any of your actions You’re the hammer; everyone else is a nail Build that wall and pound away What’s good for you is good for everyone else That’s the core belief of a self-focused person Never deviate from that narrative It makes the wor...

  Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash This is the third part in a series on unsolvable problems in marriage. Here are links to Part I and Part II . Part III addresses how to articulate one's needs when it comes to marital gridlock. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work defines marital gridlock as perpetual conflicts over personality and value differences. We're bombarded by messages in our culture that communication solves relationship problems. But I suspect many of us, particularly men, ask ourselves: "What is the purpose of conversation? We talk a lot, it doesn't solve anything, and sometimes I wish we could just enjoy being with each other rather than airing our problems." Questions shape how we see and experience the world. If one sees the primary goal of communication as solving problems, then talking can trigger fear, sadness, and anger when we don’t detect progress, our needs aren’t being met, and every conversation is a ham...

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. - Oscar Wilde And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. - Genesis 2:25 This is the second part of addressing unsolvable marriage conflicts. The first part is here . In this post, I'll examine the importance of unearthing hidden needs when encountering marital gridlock. This approach is based on John Gottman's research and books, in particular, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work . Recently, Judy and I disagreed about what rules to govern kids’ time and access electronic devices. We have had this parenting argument often, spanning close to two decades. It goes like this: I’m too permissive and she’s too strict. Judy sees me as the appeaser - unwilling to sacrifice momentary discomfort in order to build our kids’ self-control and attention span. I see her as the rigid and cold disciplinarian - unwilling to allow our kids the freedom to learn bound...

I have much to be grateful for in the past year (job, family, and health), and yet I frequently counsel people not to minimize their disappointment by comparing themselves with others so I'm going to follow my own advice. I want to share a specific disappointment regarding planting Quicksilver Church this past year.  It is the death of small talk. Small talk is what happens when you're standing in line at the grocery store or when you walk into a Starbucks and don't have to shout multiple times for your order to be understood through a mask. With COVID, small talk has been mostly choked out. I miss the time and space to discuss trivial topics such as clothing, sports, and weather. I miss observing elements of a shared environment - to gaze out on a majestic landscape, to take in the aroma of barbeque, and to pause together while a plane passes overhead (which seems to happen less and less frequently.  In my twenties, I would poo-poo small talk and take pride in my ability t...

This is an occasional series on repentance. Part 1 is here . In these conversations I’ve had about repentance, the word tension has been mentioned. Tension means fear. Tension means conflict. Tension means uncertainty. It is the liminal space between what should happen and what will really happen.  In conservative evangelical circles, I’ve noticed we are quick to build and eliminate tension. N. T. Wright wrote a Time Magazine piece explaining the role of Christianity isn’t to eliminate tension but rather embrace it head-on. Coming to terms with tension is where Christianity shines. Not because Christianity offers answers but because COVID-19 has introduced all kinds of tensions in our lives and our instinct as evangelical Christians is to eliminate it as quickly as possible. I’ve noticed sermons (including and especially my own) build tension at the beginning and then work hard to completely resolve the tension by the end of the message. We know Jesus is the answer but is it reall...

Van Epp’s RAM Model helps men set the pace in dating relationships When a man learns ballroom dance, he takes the lead and his partner follows. If he’s dancing the tango, he maintains a strong frame - right elbow up, straight posture, and a firm but gentle hand cupping his partner’s shoulder blade. Once the music starts, he moves in rhythm with the beat and takes decisive steps. He sets the pace. John Van Epp’s classic tome, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk is a ballroom dance guide for dating. It’s written to help men and women to determine the right tempo to pace their dating relationship. Though the book does not specifically address men, this Art of Manliness interview with Van Epp does. General relationship books are often addressed primarily to women, as evidenced by “jerk” in the title, which is a gendered term for men. In spite of the title, the book offers a road map for how men can lead in a dating relationship. There’s a strong case for affirming traditional...