Rant of the Exiles

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. - Oscar Wilde And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. - Genesis 2:25 This is the second part of addressing unsolvable marriage conflicts. The first part is here . In this post, I'll examine the importance of unearthing hidden needs when encountering marital gridlock. This approach is based on John Gottman's research and books, in particular, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work . Recently, Judy and I disagreed about what rules to govern kids’ time and access electronic devices. We have had this parenting argument often, spanning close to two decades. It goes like this: I’m too permissive and she’s too strict. Judy sees me as the appeaser - unwilling to sacrifice momentary discomfort in order to build our kids’ self-control and attention span. I see her as the rigid and cold disciplinarian - unwilling to allow our kids the freedom to learn bound...

I have much to be grateful for in the past year (job, family, and health), and yet I frequently counsel people not to minimize their disappointment by comparing themselves with others so I'm going to follow my own advice. I want to share a specific disappointment regarding planting Quicksilver Church this past year.  It is the death of small talk. Small talk is what happens when you're standing in line at the grocery store or when you walk into a Starbucks and don't have to shout multiple times for your order to be understood through a mask. With COVID, small talk has been mostly choked out. I miss the time and space to discuss trivial topics such as clothing, sports, and weather. I miss observing elements of a shared environment - to gaze out on a majestic landscape, to take in the aroma of barbeque, and to pause together while a plane passes overhead (which seems to happen less and less frequently.  In my twenties, I would poo-poo small talk and take pride in my ability t...

Different expectations of conflict From a recent Facebook post: Working on a post about unsolvable problems in marriage: For those who have been married five or more years, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much expectation did you have entering into marriage that communication could resolve any conflict between you and your spouse? How would you rate that expectation now? People often enter into marriage thinking that most if not all their conflicts can be resolved. Women come into marriage thinking "I can make my husband a better man". Men come into marriage thinking, "My wife will learn to see things my way". This idealistic view of marriage does not survive contact with the enemy. Even for couples for whom the first years of marriage are conflict-free, raising children is its own brand of unsolvable problem. And then there's sickness and mental health issues, job changes, unemployment, moving, and shifts in friendships. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. A number ...

  “We will lose something once we begin meeting in-person" That’s what a friend at Quicksilver Church commented recently. Our church plant was birthed during a pandemic and has yet to hold an in-person worship service. We’ve met as a core team over Zoom every Sunday morning since the beginning of June. We do not pre-record or livestream. Our first worship service was held over Zoom earlier this month.  This is not to argue that virtual church gatherings are superior. Part of me hates writing this post because I value being in-person so much. And yet COVID-19 has accelerated changes in how we engage (or disengage) in church gatherings. A virtual church gathering enables equity of access and greater opportunities for engagement. It can make a big room smaller in the following ways: The pastor and worship band are the same size as everyone else: When you meet in-person, the pastor and worship team appear on a stage, elevated above everyone else. In a large church, you will view ...

When God speaks Light When God speaks Life begins When God speaks Day and Night are named When God speaks The name contains the end When God speaks Evening then morning When God speaks Sky separated and gathered waters Seas When God speaks Hills and valleys; deserts and plains When God speaks Trees, bushes, berries, and bananas When God speaks Sun, moon, and stars When God speaks Whales, eagles, and minnows When God speaks Elephants, rats, and donkeys When God speaks He projects His likeness  When God speaks He uses words When God is silent No evening or morning When God stops  Holiness and blessing When God rests The seventh day celebrates May you hear His voice In the morning, when the sun bursts forth May you hear his voice At twilight, when the moon and stars emerge May you hear his voice On the wind whispering through the leaves  May you hear his voice In the squeak of the dolphin and hoo of the owl May you hear his voice From the mouth of your brother and mother...

I was very excited when I wrote  10 Reasons NOT to join a Church Plant back in February. My goal was to counter the idealism associated with start-up culture. However, when shelter-in-place began, it took some time to surrender my expectations for Quicksilver Church. I dreamed about church life as sitting in a circle, sipping coffee, and having spirited dialogue about race, culture, and politics. Six months later, I’ve had some time to grieve, whine, get worked up in anxiety, experience decision fatigue, and cower in fear over the events going on in the bay area, country, and the world. In the initial phases of this season, I couldn’t think of many good reasons to join a church plant. But now I’m ready and though the negative emotions continue to linger, I am excited to share this. This list is not unique to church plants but it is specific to any church body’s willingness to die and live as a new creation. If you have both a holy discontent and persistent hope in the church as ...

Image courtesy of Jada Wong [1546 words] I am a racist.  At least that’s what I thought for years. I have long carried in me prejudice against black people. And not only black people but also bias against Latinx, white people, and Asians as well. A couple years ago, I discovered my definition of racism is outdated. Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility confirms this. I am longer considered a racist. As a person of color, I can only have prejudice because my racial group is not in power.  DiAngelo is a professor and diversity trainer. Her book points out a phenomenon she’s experienced hundreds of times during her seminars. The phenomenon consists of encounters with white people who exhibit a strong defensiveness and refusal to talk about race and racism. She uncovers deep-seated insecurity about addressing unconscious forces of socialization that have deluded white people into thinking racism and white supremacy no longer exist.  One of the many things that make racism difficu...